Monday, January 09, 2006

Weighing in. . .

RIGID DIET

Today I'll be going back to the rigid calorie-counting and food-deprivation diet that I was on last summer. I hate the way I look in the mirror now. My face is all round, my gut is sticking out, my thighs are horrible and I don't fit into my shirts anymore!

Hopefully, before this month ends my doctors would be giving me the go-go-go signal to go back to working out. My trainer would definitely kick my ass for letting myself go and gaining back (and some more) all the weight I've lost last summer.

But, today, I'll be back to my rigid diet. I weighed myself today and I have 50.5 % body fat which is fucking horrid! 17 % is my goal. The safest amount of weight a person can lose in a week is 1 to 2 lbs. So I'm hoping to lose at least 6 lbs this month.

I'm keeping my fingers cross and I'm hoping that my doctors will give me the go signal to go back to hitting the gym. I'm going to do this. I did it before during the summer and I lost a bit of weight and felt good, that is motivation enough for me. Besides, dearest stranger's been on a diet for nearly two months now, I must keep up with him or else we might lose the tiny thread that binds the two of us.

Weight has been one of the biggest issues of my life. I've been yo-yoing since I started university which was in 2000. Now, I am making a decision to lose that fat and have my ideal weight by the end of this year. I know it sounds like one of those resolutions that people forget after a month or so, but this one is definitely not.

I no longer want to have the feeling of longing or frustration when I go out shopping for clothes. I no longer want to feel inferior to those skinny and tiny people I see everyday. I no longer want to feel low and blue whenever I weigh myself and see how heavy I am. I no longer want to be one of those girls with low self-esteem. I no longer want to be stared at because I am huge. I no longer want to be called “mataba” (fat). I no longer want to be this huge, huge, huge person I am today.

I want to feel great again. I want to do things I could do before I became this big. I want to dance ballet again. I want to run again without panting or my legs hurting because of all the weigh I carry around. I want to go up a flight of stairs without panting so hard or losing my breath. I want to be able to walk around the block without wheezing or my thighs bumping onto one another. I want to feel great and good about myself. I want to experience being in shape. I want to fit into those clothes that I want. I want to fit in and not feel like a square amongst the circles. I want to look awesome and great.

I want to be skinny. I want to know how it feels to be skinny.

Right now, I am disgusted by the way I look. Fat isn't in. It will never be in.

*****

I am Angel. . .on a diet!

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