Terrible Night

Being Alone

A lot of things have been going on inside my mind these past few hours. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by my loneliness and thoughts about dearest Stranger and Ikaw.

My soul is crying for me. I have been in the brink of tears these past few hours. I am longing for someone. . . anyone. I suddenly feel so alone.

It has been several years since I had a real relationship. I miss having a companion. I miss having someone of my own. I miss all the complexities one gets with a love relationship.

Best said that I should be thankful that I have dearest Stranger. I don't really think I should be. I don't really get anything from him besides free smokes and a couple of minutes every week. I don't even think he appreciates or sees the little things I do for him. I am starting to believe that maybe he's not that into me. Maybe he really is, as he is a man with responsibilities. I wish he could say that we're done instead of stringing me along. I wish he would just tell me to stop. I wish that for a change he becomes a real man and tells me how things are between us, accept the guilt and help me move on. I wish that I never met him.

Ikaw, on the other hand, is toying with me as usual. How can you deal with an ex telling you that they liked someone so much that they endured not having intimate relations with that person? Knowing this made me feel so little. So unappreciated. I felt so taken for granted. And despite of all these feelings, I still stay.

My heart is bleeding right now but I have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do with these situations but I chose to dilly dally in making my decision.

I am in so much pain that I can not find words for it. Suffice to say that as I am typing up this entry tears are flowing from my eyes.

I feel so alone and my heart is aching. I feel so invisible. I am smaller than a tiny speck of air. I am worse than a wall flower. I am less than ordinary.

If this was written in paper, this entry would've been splattered with smudges of tearstains and pieces of my broken heart.

It has been two years of pretending that all is well. Now I am suddenly realizing how pretentious I was these past two years. Now I am suddenly realizing how broken I am.

How do one go about fixing a broken self? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you truly live your life with this great pain and anguish inside of you? How do you become used to being in pain. . . to being alone?

People say I should just lift everything to God or to that Higher Being up there. I did that many times in my life but instead of things getting better, everything got worse. I used to be a believer but now I don't know. I have prayed hard and true but nothing have come of it, the storm in my life just got worse.

You think I am ok but I am really not. I have facades for every occasion that I have mastered the art of social deception. I have friends who think they know me but they really don't. I have friends who think they've got me all figured out but they really don't.

They don't know that at nights, I wonder why I feel so alone. They don't know that I wonder why I feel so empty. They don't know that I have stopped believing in God or the Higher Beings. They don't know that I am not alright nor fine at all.

All they see is me making attempts to be cheerful and peachy. Or be a hard-working student. Or be their co-worker.

They don't see the me lying in my bed in the comfort of my room accompanied by hewy. They don't see the tears I shed every night. They don't know how my mind is viciously reminding me of things from a long dead past or that it strays to dearest stranger or that I wonder about why I am all alone and empty. They don't know that during these times I would want to go back to my old habit to ease the pain. They don't know these things.

Tonight is one of my worst nights. Tonight I am crying myself to sleep again. . . That is if sleep would come to me.

*****

I am Angel. . .crying myself to sleep!