Apathy and Death

Of Control and Apathy

A lot of things in our lives we try to control and manipulate to our advantage, but most of these thingscan never be controlled nor manipulated by anyone. It is foolish to think that we are in control of ourlives and all that is happening in it. I believe that everything in our lives happen for a reason and not because it is the result of coincidences. There is no such thing as coincidences.
Love and death are two of the things that human beings can never control nor manipulate. Death comes naturally or stems from some sordid ordeal. Love chooses people and not the other way around.

My grandfather had another stroke. I have been searching for any kind of emotion with regards to this event, but it seems like there is none that I would ever feel. Has apathy really eaten my insides? Has all the things that happened before killed any kind of emotion or feeling that I had before?

I wonder, why is it that I feel distant to my grandparents who for the most part of my life raised me up?It doesn't make sense that I have grown cold and estrange to them, but come to think of it, I have never reallywarmed up to them.

I have become the person I never wanted to be, an apathetic individual. I remember clearly one of my highschool teacher imploring us to try not to be eaten by the world and become apathetic individuals. He showed us a picture during Hitler's reign and Germany and the story about that picture. In a jist, he told us that the soldiers during that time was too used to their way of life of killing people that they no longer felt any guilt nor anykind of emotions when they killed people. It seemed like they are so used to their way of life that they have become detached consciously and unconsciously to the things that they've been doing. Have I become unwittingly like these German soldier? Have I become so used to my life and all that it is that I started not to care anymore about things that I should be caring about? Have I let all the bad blood and issues of days gone get to me?

I wonder why I turned like this. I wonder if I ever really opened myself up to anyone. I wonder why I kept surrounding myself with high walls and wouldn't let anyone in anymore.

People say that they know me. That I am one of those predictable people. The truth is I don't think anyone really knows the real me. I always wear masks around people. I always have a facade for all situations. I think, I have never really let them see the real me. Why is this so? I guess, I don't want them to know I have lost control of my life. I don't want them how I don't know why I have lost control of my life. I guess, this is the only way I can manipulate things to my advantage. I guess I put up all these facades to control people what they think of me. But the downside of this is that I never let anyone see the REAL ME.

*****

Awaiting Death

My grandfather is dying. In the two years we've been here, he had two mild strokes. My mom suspects that the Grim Reaper is coming to visit him soon and take him to lands where no breathing human is allowed. He has a simple request: for me to call him. But I can't get myself to call him and see how he is doing for reasons that is unbeknownst to me. Maybe I fear that they wouldn't get the reaction that they are looking for from me. Maybe I fear that I've let them down. It seems that at this point I care but not really. I wonder when death arrives at my grandfather's side, would I finally find that feeling of grief or fear of death?

This is my wake up call. Man is not invincible. Death is inevitable. I am not invincible, but why is it that despite knowing this I still don't care. This should reiterate the cliche that life is short but I don't care.

If my grandfather died, would a part of me die too? Would I grieve like what a lot of people expect from me? Would I mourn like those grandchildren that have special bond with their grandparents? Would I start to care about them or would I continue to feel apathy towards them?

Death is inevitable. Death is coming to my grandfather. Grief and mourning should follow after that. But why am I not grieving and mourning the possibility that he will die soon?

Maybe it will come to me when the death's finality has come.

*****

I am Angel. . . wondering if I've turn into an apathetic individual?