Snow is misery's company

IT SNOWED YESTERDAY

. . . and the cold started settling down in my being. Yes, this is a sad, dramatic entry full of holes that only the closest of my closests friends can fill the gap and understand it. I have once again, dug a hole so deep that its dark surrounding has finally gotten to me. I couldn't see the light that was supposed to warm me and give me that one thing that I have asked and prayed for all my life. Mistrust in all of the things I used to believe in suddenly ruled me. All this time while I was digging my hole, I didn't stop to think but let my heart do all the "thinking". Stupid of me to do that. Almost sevent-five percent of the cheesy, break-up songs tells people to never follow their heart but I still did. Yeah, yeah, I am such a whiner and a complainer.

What do you do when you got no one else to blame yourself for being in the rut that you are in? Me, I blame myself to high heavens, curse a lot and cry a lot, lose the little faith I had and further my phone bill by calling Messenger: Dan. Yes, he is one of the few people who could comfort me during the times when in my mind all else have failed and would never be alright. He is one of the voices which my stubborn head heeds to. He is one of the voices of reason I listen to.

It's hard to be in some sort of crisis when your support group are thousands and thousands of miles away. It's hard to be all alone to deal with all this great pain inside of you and go on with your daily life. It's hard to be all alone.

*****

ONE MONTH

In a month's time a lot of things could happen. A giant meteor could crash into earth and blow it up to minute pieces, an epidemic could threaten to extinguish mankind, people could all fall in love and then break their hearts after sometime, every person in this world who prides himself sane would suddenly become insane and the insane would be the sane, and other horrible events.A month's time is what I have. I am just on my second day and it seems like the urge or the impulse is greater than my willpower. I have to prove to myself I could do this because it was me who asked for it. I have to prove to myself that I am a mature enough person.

A month's time and a couple of thousand miles away is what we both have. I know that there would be great irreversible consequences doing what I did and I am praying that it would be all for the best. 30 days seems like a million years for now but I know that this is what I need for the meantime.

This is what I get for thinking too much. This is what I get for being impatient.

All my life I have prayed for one thing. Even though when I was still a child, it is the only thing I prayed for. I did not ask for toys, vacations, new clothes or what have you but just that one thing. Fast forward 21 years later, it is still the same thing I am praying for. My impatience has caused me great heartache. I thought I had the answer already but right now, it's really so unclear.

A wise man told me that the problems we encounter is a "gentle" nudge for us to wake up and feel the presence of Some Higher Beings and that if everyone was contented we would all have written these Beings off our lives. I remember these Beings but still they have not listened to me. They choose to torture me and it seems to me they are deriving pleasure from the mere fact that I am hurting and in pain.

21 years of yearning, searching, praying culminated into this miserable person always unveiling her vulnerability and fragility to anyone who would look her way. Yes, I am a miserable person.

*****

I am Angel. . . alone and miserable.