{ Ramblings }

Hello. . .

I am writing again. It has been a month since my last entry. To make up for lost time, I am posting a story I wrote last night. Its been a long while, years to be exact, since I last wrote a short story. Here is another helping of Angelism! ^_^ Enjoy!

Bus Ride

" I remember that fateful day when I left Never land and decided to grow up." Cindy said. " I was on the bus on my way home. . . heart broken and tears uninhibitedly falling down my chubby red cheeks. I remember it clearly as if it happened yesterday."

+++++

My mind was a buzz. The "what-ifs" are coming like some broken damn. The questions are berating inside my head nonstop. My mind was a bee on an excessive dose of some illegal stimulant drug. The tears would not stop from flowing. I never wanted the day to end. I did not want to go back but I had to. I had to go back and stop playing house. I had to go back to being a logical, rational young grown up lady. I had to experience getting my heartbroken and I had to force myself to learn to accept how things are. It was hard I tell you. I had to forego the nice innocence that I loved. I had to forget the feeling of being in the nine. I had to stop being in love with the concept of love. I had to force myself to stop using my heart and for once use my head.

People say I am such an impulsive, emotionally driven person. Some say I am so reactive that it is both my strength and my weakness. Well, I still am but I have decided to put my foot down. I keep myself on my own toes, as I would like to tell them. Cindy of the Never land is a thing of the past.

I remember sadly looking out my little bus window. My heart seems to be so heavy to the point that I feel like it was going to burst. My eyes were trying not to spill out those pearl-like tears. The corners of my mouth were trying to go to there smiling position. "This is it!" I screamed in my mind. I waved goodbye to that boy I have given all my love to. I touched the greasy bus window and he, on the other side, touched it also. For that single moment I thought there was still a chance. I fought the hot tears I felt welling up inside me. I looked away for a moment, just that brief moment, and when I looked again-- he was gone. Just like that. Just like the day I met him. . . the day he professed his love. . .the day I knew I loved him. Just like that.

He was like the cold breeze that swiftly touches your cheeks on a hot day. He was like my favorite candy which melts in your mouth and disappears after awhile. He was all the candy-kisses and the warm bear hugs that leave you wanting more. He was the youthful curiosity that fleets by once there is something new to explore. He was the puppy love multiplied a lifetime.

+++++

" I remember it clearly. It seems like it only happened a while ago. I remember her. I remember her tears. I remember her sadness." Hero said. " I drove her to the bus station. I felt her sadness reverberating. It was like a cloud enveloping me. I had to show her I could get through this lest I make matters worse."

+++++

I know she is inches from breaking down but I cannot comfort her lest I forget why I am doing all these. I feel her heart slowly breaking into million pieces. Her sad eyes accusing me, saying things she would not. Her stance slowly piercing through this wall I built around me.

I had no choice. I had to do it. I love her too much but I am still not ready. My life is one tortured telenovela. I do not want her to see me weak and vulnerable. I do not want her to be dragged into my miserable life.

I do not know what triggered these thoughts of leaving her in spite of loving her so much. I used to believe that we will get through all these obstacles but now, I just do not know. I am so confused.

People say I never take things seriously. Maybe before but after I met her, she meant the world to me. She was the one thing I took seriously. She was the one person I wanted to protect from the evils of the world. She was my angel. She was hope to me. She is love to me.

I remember we were sitting side-by-side, waiting for the bus. I wanted so much to hug her to let her know that I still love her to tell her all the things going inside my head but I cannot. I do not want to burden her anymore. I do not want her to be miserable by staying with me. I want her to be happy.

I remember trying to touch her arm lightly. She shrugged me off. I remember hoping and praying that I did the right thing. I remember she was fighting off her tears. I remember her trying to tell me that she will be all right. . .that she understands. . . that she will always be there for me. I went away for a while because tears suddenly started to flow. I did not want her to see me like this. I do not want her knowing my heart is also slowly breaking. I do not want her to know that a big part of me is regretting doing this.

I went back and saw her looking at the distance. She's in deep thought again. I saw the bus and told her that I'm going to see her until the last minute that the bus leaves. I walked with her. This was the last day she was going to walk beside me. This was the last day she was going to be close to me like this. I can feel her strength slowly ebbing and sadness taking the bigger part of her. I know I hurt her so much. It pains me but I have no choice.

Four years of sharing our lives. Four years. I know her like the back of my hand just like she knows me. I know her inside out. She was the first woman I truly loved. She was the first woman I stayed with long enough. She was the only one who put up with me. She was my baby.

I remember she chose a seat beside the window. I remember telling her we would still be friends. I remember and would never forget our last kiss. I remember touching the dusty bus window, saying my final goodbye to her but her eyes started to well up with tears. I could not bare looking at her so sad. . .so hurt. I left without her seeing me. I left because I thought I had to.

+++++

" I am a changed woman now. I am stronger and wiser. I would give love a try but not in the so distant future. I have to mend my still somewhat broken heart." Cindy said.

" It's been awhile now. I hope she has moved on. I hope she's stronger now. My life is still a mess. I have yet to find myself." Hero said.


*****

I am Angel. . . still alive and kicking!