{ Ramblings }

Goodbye Never Never Land

I've been spaced out these couple of days. Things between me and Honey finally went to a baffling halt which is still making me reel from the pain. I don't know what and how I've been feeling these past days. I've been living the pretend life again. I love him so much but he says he is not strong enough for me. If only I could give him my strength, my courage, my bravery. If only I could do something to ease this whatnot that I am feeling.

There are still a lot of questions in my mind but I have to hush and shush them. There is no point in asking, analyzing, reflecting and contemplating. He said: "This is not the end to our love story. It ain't over 'til its over." But he already put a dot to this thing that we had. He said the words that prompted the end of our love story. He was the one who told me that: "I really do feel right now that our relationship is going nowhere. I think its really bad to go on with this relationship. Sorry."

I wish that things didn't have to end this way. I prayed so hard that the last few hours I spent with him wouldn't end. I prayed so hard so that I could keep him but it seems like nobody listens anymore. I hoped and prayed so hard that things would somehow work but he gave up, again, on me.

"It's not you. It's me." He said that what he did last Friday was breaking his heart. He said that he still loves me. He said that he's just too messed up. He said that I deserve to be happy. "It's not you. It's me." that's what he told me.

He told me I gave him everything. He need not ask. He told me I gave him excessive and extravagant love. He told me that I gave him the space and freedom that I never gave him the first time we tried. He told me that there's nothing wrong with me, its just that he's really messed up. He told me that he has no complains, its just that he's really messed up.

He asked me if he ruined my life and I told him that at that moment I felt he did. I don't really know. He made me think about the decisions I did the past few years of my life. He is and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't think I could and would ever love this great again. I prided myself as somebody brave and strong but I never took the step to get out of this love for Honey. I guess, for the longest time, this is the most mature thing that we both did. Honey's really not the kind of person he thinks he is. He's not that weak as he says. He was strong enough to make a decision that he thinks is right. I just really pray that it's really the right thing to do.

"Maybe this is just a temporary set-up. I'm not closing any doors on US. But I'm not giving you hope." Honey said.

Yes, maybe. I'm not also closing any doors on him. I'm not giving up on him. Maybe when his head is clearer and when things are not as difficult as they are right now, maybe we could try again. Maybe when my family, specially my mom, understands me more, maybe we could try again. Maybe when we are both strong enough, we could try it again.

The future of Honey and Baby is bleak, dreary almost non-existent. We promised to remain friends. But promises by Honey are like debts written in water. Promises made by Honey are made to be broken. I pray and hope that even for just this one time he will keep his promise. I don't want him to be out of my life again. He also doesn't want that. I really pray that somehow in some weird way we could be friends.

Hopeless as our case seem, I pray and wish that somehow someday if we're really meant to be, our paths will cross again and maybe that'll be the right time for the both of us.

As Z told me: "Pare, you should grow up. Leave your cloud nine. Leave never never land. Face your reality." Even if I don't know what to do right now, I'm heeding Z's advice. I am choosing growing up over the heartache. I left my cloud nine last Friday. I am in the process of leaving never never land. And right now, I am facing my reality. The reality that I will be alone again.

*****

I am Angel. . . saying goodbye to Never Never Land.