{ Ramblings }

Questions

There are a lot of questions in my mind and I feel that my heart is slowly being broken into several tiny million pieces. These past few days I've been tiring myself venting out my frustrations to some close beloved people. I am really a weakling. Whenever there are problems with regards to love relationships, my old weak self just surfaces and things just revolve around that problem. It seems that everything's blown out of proportions and so irreparable that I just want to throw the towel in and let go. I've never been a quitter and people tell me am as stubborn as a bull but this time I really feel like quitting. I've forgotten myself not just once, twice but many times for this relationship that I have with Honey. I've thrown the tiny teaspoon of self-dignity for a blind belief that maybe, just maybe this time around everything's going to work out. But, look at me right now, I am again in one of my lowest and bluest point in my life again. I am basically in the dumps even though there is no dumping or breaking up that's happening.

Funny and strange how things are with me and Honey. I am the girl but he's the one who's having second thoughts and mind-boggling confusions. After a year and two months of thinking and being solo, Honey suddenly felt like thinking again. Maybe this time around I should be the one who should do the thinking and going solo. Maybe this time around I should depend more on myself rather than him. Maybe this time its really how its supposed to be.

I've prayed for this second chance. I've prayed hard so hard that whenever I pray tears just flow from my eyes. Now, tears are flowing from my eyes but not because of praying so hard. These tears have been my company these past days. These tears and the constant pinching in my heart have been ME.

These past days, I've kicked myself over more than a hundred of times. These past days, I've somehow regretted always praying for this second chance. These past days, I'm thinking of getting out even though my heart is breaking and my strength, courage and wisdom are all drying up. These past days were the days I started to hate myself.

I've been putting off letting go and breaking up with Honey. I've been putting off telling my family about him. I've been putting off meetings with D just for him. I've been out of my own life because of him. I've forgotten myself so I can devote myself to him. But I guess all the things I've done are still not enough. I guess, I'll never be good enough for him.

I thought we've worked things out. We were so happy the last time we were together. I am so baffled why all of a sudden things went into a turnabout? It seems like we are both drifting apart. I am still blindly loving him; while, he is still thinking, reflecting and determining what he wants to do with us. He told me before that he's not sure if he's really worthy for me. He told me before that he doesn't want to lose me. He told me before that everything's really up to me. But right now, I am wondering why is it that I am the one left here awaiting whatever decision that he'll hand out to me?

I've written before that Honey is my man. He is home to me. He is my weakness and at the same time strength. He says he is fragile these days because of his family problem. I've treated him like a china vase even though people think he is just some cheap replacable clay pot. I've treated him the best I know how but it still seems like not enough. Maybe, I'll never really be enough.

I don't know how to say goodbye or I am lettin you go whenever Honey's concerned. No to him is not absolute. No to him is almost always a maybe and most of the time a yes. How can you say no to someone whom you've included in all of your future plans? How can you say to no someone you've shared everything you are and you have? How can you say goodbye to someone you love more than yourself? How can you say goodbye to someone whom you can never say no to? How can you say goodbye to someone who is home to you? How can you say goodbye to someone that shaped and molded you to be a better person? How can you say goodbye to someone who is your strength and your weakness? How do you say goodbye?

*****

Fortune Tellers: II

I've consulted LotusTarot again. And this is what she had to say to me. . .

how you feel about yourself now
You are very aware of the feminine power within, intuitive and conscious at a spiritual level, looking for guidance and answers, a secret to be revealed. You desire a wise guide to help address your questions, and your intuition is just that. If you are male the appearance of The High Priestess can represent a woman who you care for very much and who truly inspires you.

what you most want at this moment
The cards suggest Gela, that what you most want at this time you can’t have, like the forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more tempting. Or you could go for it but you know that it would be a bad choice and for all the wrong reasons. Yes, you want passion and gratification - just be careful where you go looking for it.

your fears
You are fearful of lacking the will power and strength to deal with someone or something that concerns you. Feeling negative and listening to all your fears will only cause failure and lost opportunities. Be as brave as a lion but work compassionately and you’ll be fine.

what is going for you
Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded. It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness. You may choose to buy that dream house or a wonderfully fulfilling relationship is on offer, enjoy!

what is going against you
There are conflicts around you, frustrations and possibly a break up in a relationship. Be careful not to over-react and be too protective or dictatorial about your needs, and whatever you do, do not resort to emotional blackmail, it won't do you any favours. You may be experiencing infertility problems or an unplanned pregnancy, if so just know that there are people around you who love and care for you and will provide support.

outcome
Whilst you are confused and fearful and allowing your anxieties to hold you back, trust that all will turn out well in the end. Things may seem tough or confusing but stick with it, its right for you. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair and helps guide us to open our minds to new and unexpected possibilities.

++ now should i be happy with this answer?

*****

I am Angel. . . broken-hearted.