{ Ramblings }

Feeling Like Shit

You sure do know how to make me feel unpretty. You're the master of the games. You're the charmer whom I would and will always have no courage to say NO to. You're the person who can make me and break me at the same time. You can make me feel special and then shit at the blink of an eye.

*****

Angst-y L.O.V.E

Salamat sa pinamumukha mo sa aking pagmamahal. Ang iyong pagmamahal ay parang kutsilyong mapurol na pilit na isinasaksak sa aking dibdib. . .ibig makipag-usap sa puso kong sabik na umibig, magmahal at tumibok. Salamat sa lamig ng iyong mga kilos. Salamat at ang nanunuot na lamig ay unti-unti ng nagpapabukas sa aking mga pikit na mata. Gusto ko ng makita ang liwanag. Gusto ko ng kumawala sa hawlang iyong unti-unitng pinagtitibay ang mga bakal. Gusto ko ng tumigil sa pagsigaw dahil sa pakikipagkumpetensiya ko para sa iyong atensyon. Gusto ko ng ipahinga ang pagod kong katawan. Gusto ko ng maglaho sa isang kurap ng iyong mga mata kaysa manatiling buhay na unti-unti mo namang pinapatay. Gusto ko ng ipukol ang aking sarili sa bato upang muling maramdaman ang sarap ng aking sariling buhay. Salamat sa iyong pagmamahal.

*****

Of Roller Coasters

I am in a roller coaster ride. Riding a vicious cycle. The waiting and the doubts and the fearing is suddenly here to stay. . .for awhile. I can not stop the grumbling of the little girl inside me. I can not stop the screams, shouts and hollers of the heartbroken inside me. I can not stop the intellectual from being logical. I can not stop my heart from fearing the one thing that can make me happy for the moment.

The steep and winding loops of this ride is making me sick to my stomach. It's making tears come out of my once-twinkling and happy eyes. It's nauseating. I can feel all the sad and bitter thoughts I've suppressed all these times inside my throat. I can feel them about to come out and be the stinky vomit of an old me. The issues are mounting again. The talks are getting emotional, irrational and sometimes senseless. I am, again, enmeshed in a roller coaster ride that I said I will never get into again.

I want to get off this ride. Stop the hurting and the pain. I want to get off but . . . I don't know how.

*****

Brrr and Grrr. . .

Maybe its just me but your coldness is one of a kind.
If this is love why is it so cold in here?
If this is love why is neglect here?
If this is love why is it that I am almost always the last in your priorities?
If this is love why am I so afraid of it?
If time is love why can't I ask for some of it?
If this is love why am I so miserable?

*****

Of a certain bottle

I've bottled it inside me. I've let it ferment for a long time. I've placed it in the deepest and darkest pit inside of me. I don't know why it's suddenly in plain view these days. I don't know why it's suddenly shaking and somehow about to pop its cork. I don't know why a bottled regret could hurt so much.

*****

I am Angel. . . asking "am I really one of those beautiful ones?"