So what else is new?

Loneliness and desperation

"sadly, desperation is becoming me. i guess, it is one of the reasons i
stay in this affair i have with ----- "

It is a sad thing when loneliness gets the most part of people. Loneliness and desperation combined makes for a lethal emotional turmoil that would make otherwise rational and strong people; raving lunatics, weak, and distressed individuals. It would have been nice if for just a week we experienced a perfect world; wherein all of us would experience all that we desired for. The world would probably be very chaotic for a week but strangely, I know everything would go back to just like it was before.

Soon, everything would go back to how it was.

*****

August 2005

"Every beginning starts with another beginning's end. . . " (Semisonic: "Closing
Time")

This captures all the intricacies and complexities that I have, unwittingly, gotten myself into. My relationship with my ex-Honey ended in a bus. A new found friendship riddled with intricacies and complexities started on a bus. As the beginning of August 2005 ends, the novelty of an interesting affair started to wane. Thus, begins the realization of what is real.

I am both thankful and regretful that I have met you, Stranger. Our thing is both bitter and sweet. I wish we both had met at a different time with different circumstances, maybe then, our time together would not be as complex as it is now. I have never thought that I would experience to feel anything remotely romantic towards anyone else besides my ex-Honey. I never thought that I would test limits again and take risks like I did before. For these reasons and more, I thank you. Regrettably, I am wishing that I have never met you, too. Maybe if I had not met you my miserable life would carry on without all these complexities that you have brought upon. I wish that I could turn back the time and ignore you all through out the nights that I saw you. I wish that I did not spend those little times with you. I wish you were not a man with big responsibilities.

I know this will hurt. You have warned me time and again about this. I wish Stranger you just did not reciprocate. That you did not let me be. That you would have said something in your crude way that would have prompted me to totally nip it into a bud. But, alas! We have both carried it on and let the emotions and attachments get their roots and grow into a bud. Now, I will once, again, be broken.

I wish I had been pragmatic about us. I should learn to stop catering to my impulses and my emotions. I am no longer a child.

*****

Being Pragmatic on a Forbidden Fruit

I wonder if you would notice my un-ease on our situation.

I wonder if you realize how I am getting more and more attached to you as the days go by.

I wonder if you know how scared I am to feel emotions that I though I would never have again.

I wonder if you feel the regret and guilt that is starting to build in me.

The novelty of our situation is finally wearing off. Our reality is getting clearer to me. The fantasy is about to be over.

It is funny how our vision would not work when our emotions are involved. The truth of the matter is just right in front of our face but we refuse to accept it. Peoople would rather go throught the five long complex stanges of grieving: denial, anger, begging, depression and acceptance than clear their visions and refuse all the un-ease.

I wonder how I would go about telling you tha I can not go through this any longer.

I wonder how you would take it: what would you say and what would you do.

I wonder how do I start all over agian being comfortable the way my life was without all your complexities in it?

I wonder how do I go about refusing and throwing away all that I am starting to feel for you?

****

I am Angel. . . back from my hiatus.