{ Ramblings }

Here's another installment of my open-letters. . .


OPEN LETTER TO MY HONEY

Hon,

We've been talking for over two months already and suddenly, I am having doubs. It was good for awhile. You showered me attention that you never gave me during our first try in our relationship. That was during the early part of renewing whatever it is that's left of an us. Lately, I don't feel that anymore. Lately, I feel that you're avoiding me. Lately, I've been feeling that your interest and enthusiasm is waning. Maybe you're getting bogged down by the routinary way our relationship has turned out to be.

These past few weeks I am doubting myself. I've been doubting if I still have the courage and strength to fight for our relationship. I've been doubting if what I feel for you is the real thing or just the fondness for a memory that I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to experience again. I've been having second thoughts with regards to US.

I don't know if I'll be able to get over these confusion or if I'll be able to resolve them. I don't know if I'm just too scared to get hurt again. I don't know if I believe the things that you've been telling me.

I am so confused that I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being pulled to my sides. I feel like I'm moving forward but then realizing I'm moving back. Suddenly, my vulnerability and fragility are out in the world again. Suddenly, I feel my brokenness. Suddenly, I feel the pain throbbing and tender.

I am scared that what I might be doing to you might seem too much. I am scared that I might come off as demanding or nagging. I am scared to be the person I was before. I am scared of hurting you.

There were a number of times during the past few weeks that I've wanted to throw the towel in and give up. There were times that I contemplated and rehearsed the things I'm going to say to you as my parting words. When I'm in the process of telling you all these, you would do something that makes me think twice.

I guess I love you too much and I care for you too much. So much so, that I am terrified and petrified at the thought that I might hurt you or you might get hurt because of this. I am afraid that you're not strong enough for my love for you. I am afraid that I might not deserve you.

We've been through a whole lot. Who ever expected that we will be together again after a year of no communication? Who ever thought or imagined that even though we're miles and seas apart we are still trying to work things out?

Sometimes, my missing you seems so great that it somatically manifests in my body. I know I've been a better person because of you. I know that I want to be a much better person because of you. I guess, in the literal sense, you changed my life.

I guess the confusions and the doubts will soon subside and hopefully, it will be replaced by the gentle warmth of my love for you.


Baby

*****

I am Angel. . . mushy and confused.