{ Ramblings }

Carla. . . who?

"Asan na yung dinescribe naming Carla nung PSYCME? You're strong."- Jaybz the Multi-talented

I am trying to keep my head up high despite feeling awful, despite being left in the dark, despite struggling with all the confusions inside my mind. It's hard not to think of them all. My laughter seemed hallow these past few days. My crying spells are increasing in number. My friends are looking for the Angel of a couple of months ago. My friends are looking for the strong, funny and wise Angel before she fed on the lines, lies, dreams and illusions. Before she allowed herself to be caged in uncertainty and inconsistencies. I am looking for that person. And I know she's there somewhere inside of me.

I am wondering why I always revert back to the helpless child with an emotional quotient of five whenever I'm dealing with Honey these days. I am wondering why I let him do these things to me which I said before I'll never let anyone do to me again. Why am I all alone sorting out issues of an US? Why am I blaming myself for feeling shitty? People say I am special but right now I don't feel it. I guess I should stop being stubborn and just let go and swim out of this sea of turmoil and confusion that I am in.

I've prayed hard these past couple of months and I guess this is the sign that I've long been waiting for. Maybe this is God's will for me. Maybe this is the time that I should listen to the screams of pains inside my head inside of the hurting and the hoping of my heart. I am in my third day of thinking. I still have 11 more days to think. Somehow in the confusion that I am in things are in a twisted way getting clearer to me. I have to believe that in spite of all the pain, confusion, and aching things will eventually work out for the better. As they say:"There is always light at the end of the tunnel."

*****

I am Angel. . . confused.