confusions

YORK NEWBIE II

Officially speaking I am now a York student. I have mixed feelings with regards to being a York student. First of all, I will always be a Green Archer at heart. I was converted five years ago and being the loyal person I am, when I say always, I mean it.

I'm excited to go back to school. I actually have 30 credits more to go before I could graduate. 30 credits is a year's worth of full-time study and I could finish school in one year, unfortunately, because of some stupid regulation by the senate I have to stay for two years at York before I graduate. Since, I will still be staying that long, I decided to kind of slack-off during my first year. I only got 12 credits to go this year and well, it's really not that bad. It's quite a very light load compared to the usual 18 units (five/six subjects) I am quite used to. I took a light load this year because I know that I need sometime to adjust to juggling York, school, and household chores. I used to juggle two things before like school and work at the restaurant but now, it's quite different. I need to be on the road a whole lot to go to and from places and well, Canada is still a new place for me.

I just hope that my charms and intelligence will work here. I don't want to be one of those people looking at York University with an outsider's eyes. I want to have friends like I have back home and hopefully, in time I would eventually warm up to these Canadians.

*****

FOR MY CONFUSION

Dear Confusion,

I want to tell you that you've been in my life for quite sometime now. I was just wondering how long you plan to stay. It seems like you got so comfortable in the warm crevices of my brain and the dark recess of my soul. I have a feeling that you're gastronomic taste buds are frequently filled by the raw emotions I tend to let run my being. I have a feeling that you enjoy seeing my thoughts and jumbling them up like some computer virus.

I once seeked refuge from Valproic Acid and Lithium before but you still came back, rearing your ugly head. Now, I just let you run around my whole body trying as much as possible to be comfortable in the most uncomfortable of situations. But lately, you've been having your terrible mood swings and you've been sardonically delighted by flashing memories of the long-gone past that I've been trying to desperately let go and forget. You've been inviting misery and sadness to keep you company. The sunshine and the joy that I've experienced before are now cowering at the backseat, thinking of ways to push you out of the driver's seat.

I want you out but I don't know what to do. Some say I should look at my past and see the lessons I've learned and maybe you'll go away. I did that but you're just too powerful that you made everything swirl and just become one big blob of emptiness. Some say I should deal with you but dealing with you just made me see myself as one big irony, therefore, causing more confusion. People say I should wait for the Divine. Some even offered that YOU are the Divine.

I don't know what to think now. I guess, I should just wait for that thing called Enlightenment. Maybe one day, hopefully soon, Enlightenment would come and sweep you out of my being. Then joy and my sunshine will soon reign again.

Hope you wouldn't stay too long now.

>ME<

*****

I am Angel. . . born to try.