{Senti}

 

Lyrics:  Butterfly  Mariah Carey

 

Ex Ex-Honey & an M word. . .

It seems Ex-Honey isn't an Ex anymore. He asked me if I'd like to marry him and little ol' me answered yes. How stupid can I get? I know he still has a lot to prove to me. . . a whole lot to make-up too. It seems like we're together but it also feels like we are not. I asked him if we are together and he told me that "di na dapat pinag-uusapan yun". I still have a lot of questions in my mind. A lot of fears, hang-ups, inhibitions and worries. I know how it is to be dumped and to get hurt. I know how it is to long for someone without even knowing if he still gives a damn about you. I know how it is to be surprised after a year of being loveless. I know how it is to be broken hearted.

I just hope and pray that whatever it is that my Honey and I have right now is God's will. It seems strange for me to be calling him Honey again after a year of bashing him and calling him names. It seems new to me how a simple term of endearment could make my heart swell a million times its size. It tingles my senses whenever he calls me Baby. I guess I still really love him in spite and despite of all the things that happened to us. I guess I really am more of a heart person. Follow my heart despite so many signs that this might not be right. Follow my heart and try, even for a brief moment, to be happy again with the person I have given my entire two years and more.

Marriage is such a big word. A big word with a whole lot of responsibility with it. He promised me that he will let me finish college and would wait until I reach 23 before he will formally announce "our" plans. If I really think about it, its not really our plan but more of his plan. He was the one who asked me without even settling whatever hurtful things that happened in our past. We both know that our past also matters and we know that we are both going to deal with it one of these days. I hope that this time around everything would work out smoothly. I hope that this time around its going to be as real as it can get. I hope that this time around wouldn't seem like a battle. I hope this time around its a me, him and the whole world not me and him against the whole world.


*****

I feel like I'm in big bubble traipsing around broken glasses and sharp stones. I feel like my vision's getting clouded again by my dusty rose-colored love glasses. I feel like hope and love are the two greatest things in this world. I feel like I could fly and that I could try to love again. I feel all mushy inside. I feel all warm inside. I feel I am drowning in a pool of infatuations.


*****

Went to Malate Church's adoration chapel yesterday night. I was the crying lady there. As soon as I knelt in one of those kneeling things, my tear ducts suddenly let loose its precious salty tears. I cried because I was scared. I cried because I was confused. I cried because I was happy. I cried because I know I was still in love with Honey. I cried because I still want Honey in my life. I cried because I prayed for this chance and now that I have it I don't know how to go about it. I cried because I couldn't cry at home. I cried because I was praying that hopefully everything would turn out ok. I cried because. . .  tears would not stop flowing.

I remembered a whole lot of happy memories while I was in the adoration chapel. This prompted me to call Honey after my visit. I was crying when I called him up. I told him I remembered a lot of things about us. I told him I was crying because I missed him so much. I told him I was crying because I was happy for how things are turning out between us. I said I miss him and he told me in a very sad voice (seems to me in the brink of crying) that he also misses me. Its been a long time. Too long for the both of us.

*****

I am Angel. . .not so lonely voluptuous butterfly.