{Senti}

Lyrics:  Prayer  DiStUrBeD

Browsed through my uncensored journal and I found an entry that somehow captures this crappy feeling that I have right now. Please bear with me. Somehow I lost, again, my footing in this cynical and crazy world of ours. I need to rationalize (?) whatever this empty feeling that I have in me. . . to think, its not even the 26th. What's with my obsession with the 26th? Well, that's another possible journo entry!

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Written: 4th of October, 2002

How I wish I could easily turn back time and bring back the carefree life I had before I was used, abused, torn and broken! How I wish I can have back the innocence and nonchalance I used to have before I tasted this overflowing and overwhelming cup of life. How I longed for the days wherein everything were laid back, simple and satisfactory. How I longed for the days, the nights, the summers, the Christmases, my life before I took the red pill called love. Now, I just have to make do with this life, this situation, this phase, this status quo that I have. Its hard. Its a struggle. Its bitter, that at time I just want to purge it out of my system but no matter how I try to cleanse myself of its stench, of its dirtiness, of it gnawing, clawing and moaning it just seems to dive and hide deeper into my being. I feel lost. I feel confused. I want to give up and just say that THEY (the pain, the hurts, life, lost, love and lust) won and I couldn't take it one more bit, but I can't. Its not that simple. I've put on several thousands of masks to hide them and its hard to pull or rather peel them one by one. I'm too afraid of what I might see. I'm too confused if I should believe everything that I see. I'm a coward I guess. I've let a lot of people down. My parents, my brothers, my friends whom I deserted over some morons whom I thought was my life. And most specially, I've let down the most important person in the whole world. . . ME! There were a lot of signs but I ignored it. I still blindly pursued something that everyone thought is impossible and unfathomable. I should've listened to them. I should've listened to ME! But I can't and could no longer change things. I could not purge this confounding things I have in my system. I could not run away from it. How much I want to run away from IT but I just could not. I have to face the consequences of my actions. I have to redeem myself from my failed ME.

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I am Angel. . . still trying to escape reality.