Just a quick post to say that I am still alive, breathing, and still blogging in another space.
That damned flooder MAY better stop her yakkity-yak on my "shout-out" board or else I will be tracking her down and make her eat her incoherent babbles. Damn! I thought I had bad grammar that girl beat me to it! LOL! ^_^
Stop flooding my tag-board!!!! There should only be one incoherent, illogical, irrational and emotional ranter and raver around here. . .and that's me. So, stop being a dumb-ass whoever you are MAY.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
23rd b-day
Four minutes have passed since the clock striked 12 a.m. I am no longer 22. I am now 23. I am a year older with really nothing to show for.
The past year gave a lot of memories and events that shaped me into who I am today. I learned that I am still capable of loving someone. I have learned that I am truly a non-conformist. I learned that there are always two sides to a story. I learned to think outside of the box. I learned that loneliness can drive a person to do certain things that would seem illogical and ridiculous to others. I learned that there are a lot of inevitable events in our lives. I learned to be firm. I learned that one can never revive a long-dead past. I learned that love is never constant, it is changing and can sometimes be unforgiving. I learned that I am not as bad as I think I am.
A lot of people are saying that this seems to be my year. On what basis does this assumption hold true? It seems like everything in my life is going downhill. I am currently on medication for depression as I have been depressed these past month and a half. I got kicked out of school. I got passed over on my job. My family's falling apart and into pieces. I have stopped talking to Kiddo and lost one of my dearest and closest friends. I am sort of still with Dearest Stranger. I have no real relationship. With all these stuff happening, I am not exactly sure if I would believe the stuff that most of the people I know have been telling me about myself.
What do I expect in the coming year? I really don't know. I just hope that it will be better than the last few years. I just need some sort of respite from all the drama and all the issues and crisis that I have in my life. I just need a little break.
Later on I'll be going out with my family for brunch and would either be spending the day with Marky Boy or Bendy Ele. What a way to start my 23rd year in this world!
Happy Birthday to me.
The past year gave a lot of memories and events that shaped me into who I am today. I learned that I am still capable of loving someone. I have learned that I am truly a non-conformist. I learned that there are always two sides to a story. I learned to think outside of the box. I learned that loneliness can drive a person to do certain things that would seem illogical and ridiculous to others. I learned that there are a lot of inevitable events in our lives. I learned to be firm. I learned that one can never revive a long-dead past. I learned that love is never constant, it is changing and can sometimes be unforgiving. I learned that I am not as bad as I think I am.
A lot of people are saying that this seems to be my year. On what basis does this assumption hold true? It seems like everything in my life is going downhill. I am currently on medication for depression as I have been depressed these past month and a half. I got kicked out of school. I got passed over on my job. My family's falling apart and into pieces. I have stopped talking to Kiddo and lost one of my dearest and closest friends. I am sort of still with Dearest Stranger. I have no real relationship. With all these stuff happening, I am not exactly sure if I would believe the stuff that most of the people I know have been telling me about myself.
What do I expect in the coming year? I really don't know. I just hope that it will be better than the last few years. I just need some sort of respite from all the drama and all the issues and crisis that I have in my life. I just need a little break.
Later on I'll be going out with my family for brunch and would either be spending the day with Marky Boy or Bendy Ele. What a way to start my 23rd year in this world!
Happy Birthday to me.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Back from Hiatus
It will be two months come tomorrow that I haven't updated in this space. I've been hanging out too long in lj-land that there are now cobwebs in this space.
I just realized that this space has been going on for nearly three years. The past events during the past three years of my life are somehow documented here on way or another. From trivial matters of school work to matters of my heart and also the big transitions I had to go through from moving here in the land famous for it Maple trees, love of hockey and pot. I must say that somehow in some strange I have grown up some way or the other. I never thought that the impact of this would be so huge to the point that right now, I feel like a stranger in my own body and my own mind.
Sadly though, my dormant dis-"ease" and dis-"order" of Bipolarity reared its ugly head. Three weeks ago I started a depressed episode the likes that I have never encountered. For once, my mother suddenly showed concern and dotingness for me. This might have been a respite for me if I had been in a better state, unfortunately, I just feel like I am coddled. Where was the concern and dotingness during my formative years? Maybe if she gavve them to me then, I will be in a much better emotional state at this age. My doctor have upped my medicine and I am taking 1050 mg of lithium right now. If I am still depressed when she sees me next week, I will be put on Prozac and another pill. I am seriously hoping and wishing that sanity really do come in a pill! I hate popping pills everyday. BCP's are hard to remember to take and now I have several others coming my way.
Dearest Stranger and I are still friends but no one really believes us. I don't really feel any attachment to him or whatsoever anymore. I guess my mind's so filled with other shit that I can't really think of Dearest Stranger in that way anymore. Ikaw's back home and we haven't really been talking that often anymore which is good for me and my humungous monstrousity of a phone bill!
Tiredness out of doing nothing is kicking in, ergo, I'm ending this entry.
*****
I am Angel. . . depressed, fucked up and alone!
I just realized that this space has been going on for nearly three years. The past events during the past three years of my life are somehow documented here on way or another. From trivial matters of school work to matters of my heart and also the big transitions I had to go through from moving here in the land famous for it Maple trees, love of hockey and pot. I must say that somehow in some strange I have grown up some way or the other. I never thought that the impact of this would be so huge to the point that right now, I feel like a stranger in my own body and my own mind.
Sadly though, my dormant dis-"ease" and dis-"order" of Bipolarity reared its ugly head. Three weeks ago I started a depressed episode the likes that I have never encountered. For once, my mother suddenly showed concern and dotingness for me. This might have been a respite for me if I had been in a better state, unfortunately, I just feel like I am coddled. Where was the concern and dotingness during my formative years? Maybe if she gavve them to me then, I will be in a much better emotional state at this age. My doctor have upped my medicine and I am taking 1050 mg of lithium right now. If I am still depressed when she sees me next week, I will be put on Prozac and another pill. I am seriously hoping and wishing that sanity really do come in a pill! I hate popping pills everyday. BCP's are hard to remember to take and now I have several others coming my way.
Dearest Stranger and I are still friends but no one really believes us. I don't really feel any attachment to him or whatsoever anymore. I guess my mind's so filled with other shit that I can't really think of Dearest Stranger in that way anymore. Ikaw's back home and we haven't really been talking that often anymore which is good for me and my humungous monstrousity of a phone bill!
Tiredness out of doing nothing is kicking in, ergo, I'm ending this entry.
*****
I am Angel. . . depressed, fucked up and alone!
Monday, April 10, 2006
The affair isn't settled
Retraction
As per my last blog entry, I said that things between me and Dearest Stranger are gone with the wind. As it turns out, Dearest Stranger really hasn't decided on what he wanted to do with me. I thought and understood that we were over but he called me up three weeks after the little face-to-face conversation that we had. Actually he called the day after we had our conversation but I wasn't able to pick-up his call. I thought that it would be his last call because anyone would assume that the other party wouldn't want to talk to the other under the circumstances that we are in.
I don't know what he wants me to think and feel about our little affair. Tomorrow will mark our 8th month of "togetherness". I don't know why he suddenly changed his mind. It is totally out of his character to do this. I am so confused. I don't know what to think. I never expected another call from him. I really have prepped my self on taking a fullblown emotrip because of that break-up. He told me before that if he breaks up with someone they'll definitely know it and would feel it. From the way I know him, he's the type of person who tend to cut off people from their lives. I don't know why then he still called me.
Did I become that one girl who somehow affected a great change from him? Am I that one girl who is set apart from the others who has come and gone? Or is he keeping me for convenience? Or for ego-trip? or maybe, I finally become something for him?
I don't know. I really don't know. It just frigging confuses me even more. I was a bit fine before. I mean, I wasn't fine with the break-up and all but somehow I had a certainty of what I had with Dearest Stranger. Now, I'm back to where I started before. I'm back to wondering what the hell we are.
I am hoping that my gut feel isn't true. I am hoping that his call yesterday will be his last call to me. But I know deep in my heart that there will be another one.
I am back at it again. Me and Dearest Stranger are back at it again.
*****
I am Angel. . . confused.
As per my last blog entry, I said that things between me and Dearest Stranger are gone with the wind. As it turns out, Dearest Stranger really hasn't decided on what he wanted to do with me. I thought and understood that we were over but he called me up three weeks after the little face-to-face conversation that we had. Actually he called the day after we had our conversation but I wasn't able to pick-up his call. I thought that it would be his last call because anyone would assume that the other party wouldn't want to talk to the other under the circumstances that we are in.
I don't know what he wants me to think and feel about our little affair. Tomorrow will mark our 8th month of "togetherness". I don't know why he suddenly changed his mind. It is totally out of his character to do this. I am so confused. I don't know what to think. I never expected another call from him. I really have prepped my self on taking a fullblown emotrip because of that break-up. He told me before that if he breaks up with someone they'll definitely know it and would feel it. From the way I know him, he's the type of person who tend to cut off people from their lives. I don't know why then he still called me.
Did I become that one girl who somehow affected a great change from him? Am I that one girl who is set apart from the others who has come and gone? Or is he keeping me for convenience? Or for ego-trip? or maybe, I finally become something for him?
I don't know. I really don't know. It just frigging confuses me even more. I was a bit fine before. I mean, I wasn't fine with the break-up and all but somehow I had a certainty of what I had with Dearest Stranger. Now, I'm back to where I started before. I'm back to wondering what the hell we are.
I am hoping that my gut feel isn't true. I am hoping that his call yesterday will be his last call to me. But I know deep in my heart that there will be another one.
I am back at it again. Me and Dearest Stranger are back at it again.
*****
I am Angel. . . confused.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The End of the Affair
Settling of Affair
It's funny how it seems like I have this weird connection with buses after me and Kiddo formally broke up on a bus. Things between me and Dearest Stranger started on a bus and ended in his car. And what's even weirder is that someone on the bus has caught my eye! Geez!
Anyhoo, you read it right! Dearest Stranger and me have officially gone kaput! It was one of those inevitable events in life. Besides, I can never really have him as he is a man of responsibilities.
These past few days I've been doing fine but right now, I suddenly miss him. He suddenly crossed my mind and evoked feelings that I promised myself never to feel. Suddenly, I wish we were in a different circumstance. I wish for more things even though I know that things between us are finally done and over with.
He said that "For now, we're over. I have to settle some things in my life first." Typical male break-up line. He will never settle things in his life. He will never leave her. He will never chose me over them. One thing I'm sure about is he'll forget me or rather he already has forgotten me. I am just one of them many girls who have come and gone in his life.
I would never recommend to anyone to choose the path that is often less travelled. It is so hard being in the situation that I am in. I never thought I'd be hurt this way. I never imagined that I'd miss him so much. I never imagined that I would wish for things I know will never happen.
I am more fucked up now because of this. I have been filling my days with a lot of activities just so I could repress the pain and all the emotions connected to it. But I guess, at some point in time those repressed memories will come out in the open.
I was a fool to think that somehow I will be different. That I will be that one girl who would make an impact on him. That somehow things will be different with me. But it's not. I'm just like everyone of them. I am just a **** and nothing else.
I guess, I am bound to be alone. I am not fated to be loved by anyone because I am not good enough. I am not good enough to be a real girlfriend or a wife to be. And now, I am not even good enough to be someone's mistress.
I know that I will never hear from or see Dearest Stranger again. I know it's probably for the best. I'm thankful though that he came into my life and showed me that I am still capable of caring and investing emotions in someone. He taught me a lot of things. I know that I don't mean anything to you, Dearest Stranger, but I hope you know how much you mean to me. You opened my eyes and my heart to possibilities I turned my back on a long time ago. Thanks Dearest Stranger.
*****
I am Angel. . . crying myself to sleep.
It's funny how it seems like I have this weird connection with buses after me and Kiddo formally broke up on a bus. Things between me and Dearest Stranger started on a bus and ended in his car. And what's even weirder is that someone on the bus has caught my eye! Geez!
Anyhoo, you read it right! Dearest Stranger and me have officially gone kaput! It was one of those inevitable events in life. Besides, I can never really have him as he is a man of responsibilities.
These past few days I've been doing fine but right now, I suddenly miss him. He suddenly crossed my mind and evoked feelings that I promised myself never to feel. Suddenly, I wish we were in a different circumstance. I wish for more things even though I know that things between us are finally done and over with.
He said that "For now, we're over. I have to settle some things in my life first." Typical male break-up line. He will never settle things in his life. He will never leave her. He will never chose me over them. One thing I'm sure about is he'll forget me or rather he already has forgotten me. I am just one of them many girls who have come and gone in his life.
I would never recommend to anyone to choose the path that is often less travelled. It is so hard being in the situation that I am in. I never thought I'd be hurt this way. I never imagined that I'd miss him so much. I never imagined that I would wish for things I know will never happen.
I am more fucked up now because of this. I have been filling my days with a lot of activities just so I could repress the pain and all the emotions connected to it. But I guess, at some point in time those repressed memories will come out in the open.
I was a fool to think that somehow I will be different. That I will be that one girl who would make an impact on him. That somehow things will be different with me. But it's not. I'm just like everyone of them. I am just a **** and nothing else.
I guess, I am bound to be alone. I am not fated to be loved by anyone because I am not good enough. I am not good enough to be a real girlfriend or a wife to be. And now, I am not even good enough to be someone's mistress.
I know that I will never hear from or see Dearest Stranger again. I know it's probably for the best. I'm thankful though that he came into my life and showed me that I am still capable of caring and investing emotions in someone. He taught me a lot of things. I know that I don't mean anything to you, Dearest Stranger, but I hope you know how much you mean to me. You opened my eyes and my heart to possibilities I turned my back on a long time ago. Thanks Dearest Stranger.
*****
I am Angel. . . crying myself to sleep.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
.[x]. What's Your Dark Quote? .[x]. [Anime Pictures included]
The Lonesome Wolf
You are basically a depressed person, you hate your life and feel that you deserve better. Self-conscious and prejudiced, you have been through one of the hardships of life: Rejection.
Your Quote: "I love sleep...my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake."
Take this quiz!
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Sunday, March 12, 2006
Emotions and Dearest Stranger
EMOTIONS
It's been awhile since my last post nearly a month ago. Not that I have not been blogging at all, it's just that I chose not to post any entry on this blog for some unknown and unforeseen reasons.
Things in my life are getting crazier and crazier as the days go by. Soon enough everything will be too overwhelming for me that I would just find myself waking up in one of the psych wards either here in Ajax or in T.O. I do not like DRAMA but it seems like it loves following me around to the point that some people would even think that I am a DRAMA QUEEN. For the record, I am NOT A DRAMA QUEEN. I am just a struggling nearly 23-year old young lady with major life issues.
So where do I start?
I am still without any significant other to call my OWN. Ex-Boy and I are still playing those silly games that we have been playing around for nearly two years now. Fuck! I am not even sure if we'll ever stop fooling each other and end this craziness. The status quo with Dearest Stranger is still the same. It is still blurry and wozzy as before. He still makes those sporadic calls to me but his plans of seeing me sometime the past two weeks didn't really materialize so I am not quite sure of what we really have. All I know is that I miss him dearly.
School's still fucked up. I am seriously considering taking a leave from University life and taking on a fulltime job for a year or two as my grades have been slipping from all the shit that's happening in my life.
I am still ranking my family as the numero uno DYSFUNCTIONAL familia in the entire universe! My mother still has this deluded thoughts that we are her minions, out to do any little tiny whim she wants and asks us to do. My Dad still is the silenced voice in our house. My Bearded Bro is still milking in the fact that he has a fucking bum leg. My Hip-hop brother is wasting away. And Afro-haired brother is growing up too soon.
I have a nightly cocktail composed of: BCP, Centrum Forte and Lithium downed with a humungous mug of green or lemon tea.
Work is still boring. If I could only find another job that pays as well and gives the flexibility that this job gives me I would switch jobs not just in heartbeat but with a blink of my eyes! I feel like my brain cells are slowly being destroyed by my routine and unchallenging job.
I am, once again, planning on moving out. But this entails having a HUGE amount of dough and so I have to save up.
Emotionally speaking I am not well. I am trying my hardest to be well though. Really hard to do but I am doing all the best I can. No one in my immediate family could know all the pain I have inside me. It's not in our family to talk about matters like these. We are expected to deal with all this shit alone. So I am doing the best that I can.
*****
Dearest Stranger
Here I am waiting your call. I am counting seconds turn into minutes. My heart is in my throat right now. I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you and hope to let you know how much I miss you. I have so many things to tell you. I wish you do call because if not, I might just forget all of these. I might just have to let you go.
*****
I am Angel. . . waiting for Dearest Stranger's call!
It's been awhile since my last post nearly a month ago. Not that I have not been blogging at all, it's just that I chose not to post any entry on this blog for some unknown and unforeseen reasons.
Things in my life are getting crazier and crazier as the days go by. Soon enough everything will be too overwhelming for me that I would just find myself waking up in one of the psych wards either here in Ajax or in T.O. I do not like DRAMA but it seems like it loves following me around to the point that some people would even think that I am a DRAMA QUEEN. For the record, I am NOT A DRAMA QUEEN. I am just a struggling nearly 23-year old young lady with major life issues.
So where do I start?
I am still without any significant other to call my OWN. Ex-Boy and I are still playing those silly games that we have been playing around for nearly two years now. Fuck! I am not even sure if we'll ever stop fooling each other and end this craziness. The status quo with Dearest Stranger is still the same. It is still blurry and wozzy as before. He still makes those sporadic calls to me but his plans of seeing me sometime the past two weeks didn't really materialize so I am not quite sure of what we really have. All I know is that I miss him dearly.
School's still fucked up. I am seriously considering taking a leave from University life and taking on a fulltime job for a year or two as my grades have been slipping from all the shit that's happening in my life.
I am still ranking my family as the numero uno DYSFUNCTIONAL familia in the entire universe! My mother still has this deluded thoughts that we are her minions, out to do any little tiny whim she wants and asks us to do. My Dad still is the silenced voice in our house. My Bearded Bro is still milking in the fact that he has a fucking bum leg. My Hip-hop brother is wasting away. And Afro-haired brother is growing up too soon.
I have a nightly cocktail composed of: BCP, Centrum Forte and Lithium downed with a humungous mug of green or lemon tea.
Work is still boring. If I could only find another job that pays as well and gives the flexibility that this job gives me I would switch jobs not just in heartbeat but with a blink of my eyes! I feel like my brain cells are slowly being destroyed by my routine and unchallenging job.
I am, once again, planning on moving out. But this entails having a HUGE amount of dough and so I have to save up.
Emotionally speaking I am not well. I am trying my hardest to be well though. Really hard to do but I am doing all the best I can. No one in my immediate family could know all the pain I have inside me. It's not in our family to talk about matters like these. We are expected to deal with all this shit alone. So I am doing the best that I can.
*****
Dearest Stranger
Here I am waiting your call. I am counting seconds turn into minutes. My heart is in my throat right now. I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you and hope to let you know how much I miss you. I have so many things to tell you. I wish you do call because if not, I might just forget all of these. I might just have to let you go.
*****
I am Angel. . . waiting for Dearest Stranger's call!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
For Hip-Hop Brother
Open Letter to Hip-Hop Brother
Hey Mister,
You suspiciously reek of a perfume that is foreign to my nose. I have known you all your 17 years of living and I have never smelled that kind of perfume on you. You are obviously masking a smell that I only know too well. Mary Jane leaves her smell with you for quite awhile and putting on a strong perfume is the only way you can cover it up.
You go home late nearly early in the morning without any reason at all. You have total disregard for us. You have been blatantly and overtly disrespecting Maderella and Daddy-O. I have spoken to you, time and time again, about the way you have been acting. Haven't you noticed that nearly everyone's given up on you?
My heartaches for you but I am tired of our fights. I am giving up on you too.
All I can do now is just hope and wish that what I think you might possibly be doesn't come true. I am so scared because I see myself in you. I see the defiance in you. I see the anger that I have been suppressing. I see the me before I decided to stop fighting in exchange for a false sense of security. I see in you the person I was before I decided to be this pretentious person I am today. I am so scared of the big possibility that you would go thru the shit I went thru that left me this fucked up. I am so scared that you are spiraling too fast downwards that you are falling into an abyss that you might not be able to get out of. I am so scared that I have set a bad example for you. I am blaming myself for you being the way you are today.
Mister, I miss you. I miss the way we were before. . .before the cold shoulder, before the shouts, before the constant defiant behaviour towards each other. I miss the way we talk. I miss the way we are. I miss you, bro.
I know that the brother I have known before associating himself with the baddies is there trapped inside you. I just have to peel the layers and layers of anger that you have acquired all these years. But, how do I go about doing that? How do I go about finding you when you don't want to be found? How do I go about guiding you when you pretend that you don't need anyone's guidance? How do I help you out?
I miss you bro. Wish you'd know this. I wish you'd open up your eyes to how much we worry and care about you.
I love you.
Ate a.k.a The Goddess
*****
I am Angel. . . also known as The Goddess
Hey Mister,
You suspiciously reek of a perfume that is foreign to my nose. I have known you all your 17 years of living and I have never smelled that kind of perfume on you. You are obviously masking a smell that I only know too well. Mary Jane leaves her smell with you for quite awhile and putting on a strong perfume is the only way you can cover it up.
You go home late nearly early in the morning without any reason at all. You have total disregard for us. You have been blatantly and overtly disrespecting Maderella and Daddy-O. I have spoken to you, time and time again, about the way you have been acting. Haven't you noticed that nearly everyone's given up on you?
My heartaches for you but I am tired of our fights. I am giving up on you too.
All I can do now is just hope and wish that what I think you might possibly be doesn't come true. I am so scared because I see myself in you. I see the defiance in you. I see the anger that I have been suppressing. I see the me before I decided to stop fighting in exchange for a false sense of security. I see in you the person I was before I decided to be this pretentious person I am today. I am so scared of the big possibility that you would go thru the shit I went thru that left me this fucked up. I am so scared that you are spiraling too fast downwards that you are falling into an abyss that you might not be able to get out of. I am so scared that I have set a bad example for you. I am blaming myself for you being the way you are today.
Mister, I miss you. I miss the way we were before. . .before the cold shoulder, before the shouts, before the constant defiant behaviour towards each other. I miss the way we talk. I miss the way we are. I miss you, bro.
I know that the brother I have known before associating himself with the baddies is there trapped inside you. I just have to peel the layers and layers of anger that you have acquired all these years. But, how do I go about doing that? How do I go about finding you when you don't want to be found? How do I go about guiding you when you pretend that you don't need anyone's guidance? How do I help you out?
I miss you bro. Wish you'd know this. I wish you'd open up your eyes to how much we worry and care about you.
I love you.
Ate a.k.a The Goddess
*****
I am Angel. . . also known as The Goddess
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Valentine's Day Musings
No Greetings Please!
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I will just snarl a sarcastic and pessimistic: "What's happy about it?" reply.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will just make my singleness stand out like a pimple about to burst amidst all these couples.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will make me remember Valentines' of a long-dead past.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I might hurl invectives and scathing peppered cuss words as to why this day came about.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
Because I am the grinch of this day.
*****
For singles only. . .
A (woman) co-worker of mine tells me: "Will you be my Valentine?"
Me: "I suck being anyone's Valentine. That's why I haven't been anyone's Valentine these past few years."
Co-worker: "That's ok. I just need you to hold my hand while I listen and cry to sad and depressing songs during that day. You know this Valentine's is the first time in 8 years that I've been loveless."
Me: "Well, then, you don't need those songs. Memories are great torture material for Valentine's day and you have 8 years of accumulated memories to look into."
Yep! Memories are great for torturing yourself and for self-deprecation purposes. Those memories that you try your hardest to repress and forget about are the ones that you remember like it just happened a couple of seconds ago. Memories can never be erased once it is imprinted in your head. Retrieving that memory might be a difficulty but that certain piece of information is there somewhere in you.
During V-day, memories of a long-dead past keep surfacing like it just happened yesterday. It makes me long for something I will never again experience with Kiddo. It makes me wish that I wasn't alone. It makes me wish that I didn't have all these memories at all. It makes me wish that GENYL never happened nor existed at all.
*****
This too shall pass. . .
Everything passes.
This too shall pass and soon, it will just be one those days.
But for now, I will be reveling in misery and in memories of a long-dead past.
I will be waiting for a call from Kiddo which I'll never get.
I will be anticipating a call that will never be.
This too shall pass like everything else in my life.
This is just a phase I will outgrow like every event that happened to me these past years.
Everything passes.
My misery, loneliness and heartache will soon pass too. I will outgrow it soon.
*****
I despise Valentine's Day. . .
I despise Valentine's day because I am bitter and heartbroken.
I despise Valentine's day because of all the red I see.
I despise Valentine's day because the prices in all restaurants go up.
I despise Valentine's day because I am just a me.
I despise Valentine's day because I am no one's beloved and Valentine.
I despise Valentine's day. . . it's too fucking commercialized!
*****
I am Angel. . . loathing this day!
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I will just snarl a sarcastic and pessimistic: "What's happy about it?" reply.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will just make my singleness stand out like a pimple about to burst amidst all these couples.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will make me remember Valentines' of a long-dead past.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I might hurl invectives and scathing peppered cuss words as to why this day came about.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
Because I am the grinch of this day.
*****
For singles only. . .
A (woman) co-worker of mine tells me: "Will you be my Valentine?"
Me: "I suck being anyone's Valentine. That's why I haven't been anyone's Valentine these past few years."
Co-worker: "That's ok. I just need you to hold my hand while I listen and cry to sad and depressing songs during that day. You know this Valentine's is the first time in 8 years that I've been loveless."
Me: "Well, then, you don't need those songs. Memories are great torture material for Valentine's day and you have 8 years of accumulated memories to look into."
Yep! Memories are great for torturing yourself and for self-deprecation purposes. Those memories that you try your hardest to repress and forget about are the ones that you remember like it just happened a couple of seconds ago. Memories can never be erased once it is imprinted in your head. Retrieving that memory might be a difficulty but that certain piece of information is there somewhere in you.
During V-day, memories of a long-dead past keep surfacing like it just happened yesterday. It makes me long for something I will never again experience with Kiddo. It makes me wish that I wasn't alone. It makes me wish that I didn't have all these memories at all. It makes me wish that GENYL never happened nor existed at all.
*****
This too shall pass. . .
Everything passes.
This too shall pass and soon, it will just be one those days.
But for now, I will be reveling in misery and in memories of a long-dead past.
I will be waiting for a call from Kiddo which I'll never get.
I will be anticipating a call that will never be.
This too shall pass like everything else in my life.
This is just a phase I will outgrow like every event that happened to me these past years.
Everything passes.
My misery, loneliness and heartache will soon pass too. I will outgrow it soon.
*****
I despise Valentine's Day. . .
I despise Valentine's day because I am bitter and heartbroken.
I despise Valentine's day because of all the red I see.
I despise Valentine's day because the prices in all restaurants go up.
I despise Valentine's day because I am just a me.
I despise Valentine's day because I am no one's beloved and Valentine.
I despise Valentine's day. . . it's too fucking commercialized!
*****
I am Angel. . . loathing this day!
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I'm Back. . .
Updates!!!
It's been a while since I last wrote anything for this space.
I have been hanging out way too long in my LJ space that I tend to have forgotten my space here.
Cobwebs and dust have gathered in this space. This entry is a spring cleaning of sorts.
Updates on my life. . .
On that 1 year Contract:
I, unfortunately, did not get it. Ergo, I will be doing the OSAP-trap way for next school year. I would be foregoing summer school in order to save a little bit more for next school year. I am currently in the hunt for another job. I really don't think I could do the Mickey D's way. I am too slow and too "primadonna" for Mickey D according to Bum-legged Brother who was a former manager of Mc Donald's.
On School:
Reading week is next week. I am planning on literally making it a reading week. I have to catch up on a shitload of reading for my psychology classes and catch up on exercises for Calculus. I remember the stuff we're doing in class for Calculus so I am thinking that I might just pass Calculus this time around.
On Blogging:
Haven't been giving my different blog spaces equal attention. I couldn't really think of any excuse for this but I, sometimes, have a hard time writing anything else after an entry for LJ. I will try to write more though giving at least a seemingly equal attention for my different spaces.
On Hewy:
There was one time that Hewy briefly kissed the ground at high-speed. The latch on my laptop bag came undone so that accident. This resulted in Hewy acting weird for a couple of minutes which therefore freaking me out. Had a chat session with an HP technician and she diagnosed that the HD might need to be replaced. Good thing that it was a misdiagnosis because Hewy has been working fine these past few days. ^_^ Hewy bounced back from that accident! Hooray for Hewy! ^_^
On Kiddo:
I am starting to hate him.
Just had a fight with him tonight. I am still fuming about it.
He's a FUCKING GRADE A ASSHOLE!!!!! And I'm a shithead for still being a friend to him.
On Dearest Stranger:
The last time I saw him was January 30th, a Monday. I think I had an entry with some things with regards to what happened that last Monday and that last time we were together.
I still haven't heard from him again. I am afraid that my instincts/premonitions are coming true. I have a feeling that I will never hear from him again. Sometime soon I should stop hoping that he'll call me. Sometime soon, I have to deal with my heart being broken, once again. Sometime soon, I have to get up and move on. But for now, I'll still stay and wait.
On My Health:
Dr. Sharp a.k.a White-coated Racist Bastard gave me the go signal to resume working out. My heart is ok except that it spikes up too high and too fast. I just need to ease up on the running and jogging. I have to be make sure that my heart rate doesn't go overboard when I am working out or I might pass out or have cardiac arrest. He also told me that if ever I experience those near-fainting spells I should make an appointment with him right away so that he could give me further tests.
I'm off lithium for nearly two weeks now. Dr. Weisberg a.k.a Wide-eyed Beauty will be putting me on another treatment sometime next week. She went on a trip two weeks back and hopefully next week we'll be able to see each other. I think I'm dipping once again with all these shit happening in my life.
I maybe fat and healthy-looking but I am not. I have a totally weak body. *sigh* Hopefully going back to the gym will help me out.
So there you go my life in a nutshell! LOL!
******
I am Angel. . . Missing Dearest Stranger!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
How much of a stoner are you?
You are 53% stoner You are a fairly regular stoner. You are probably the kid who is always smoking up at the back corner of the parking lot of your high school. You like experimenting with other stuff - although you are too clever to really get addicted to anything. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com |
All I can say is. . . .HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! LOL!
How about you? How much of a stoner are you? ^_^
*****
I am Angel. . . 53% Stoner!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
HAPPY 3rd YEAR BLOG!
2/06/2003
This was the day my space here in blogspot was conjured.
It has been my home for three years. It has seen many sides of me that not a lot of people are willing to see and would want to see. It has been my breathing space when things just get to rough in this world. It has been my comfort zone.
Three years. . .
I never thought I would still be writing up to now. I thought, I was just getting into some fad that eventually will fade off. But no! I'm still here despite all the people who already stopped blogging and felt that blogging is a thing of the past. I'm still here despite the fact that nearly half of the people on my links list aren't writing anymore. I'm still here despite the fact that my voyeurs are dwindling every month.
Three years. . .
This only proves that my love affair with writing hasn't gone sour but instead, got stronger. This only proves that I will still be writing for many, many years. As long as there is a story to be told or a ranting session that needs to be conjured and released, I will still be writing.
Three years. . .
I expect to still keep this blogspot space as long as they keep it free and the features simple.
Three years. . . and still going strong!!!
*****
I am Angel. . . proud to have kept my blogspot space for three years!
This was the day my space here in blogspot was conjured.
It has been my home for three years. It has seen many sides of me that not a lot of people are willing to see and would want to see. It has been my breathing space when things just get to rough in this world. It has been my comfort zone.
Three years. . .
I never thought I would still be writing up to now. I thought, I was just getting into some fad that eventually will fade off. But no! I'm still here despite all the people who already stopped blogging and felt that blogging is a thing of the past. I'm still here despite the fact that nearly half of the people on my links list aren't writing anymore. I'm still here despite the fact that my voyeurs are dwindling every month.
Three years. . .
This only proves that my love affair with writing hasn't gone sour but instead, got stronger. This only proves that I will still be writing for many, many years. As long as there is a story to be told or a ranting session that needs to be conjured and released, I will still be writing.
Three years. . .
I expect to still keep this blogspot space as long as they keep it free and the features simple.
Three years. . . and still going strong!!!
*****
I am Angel. . . proud to have kept my blogspot space for three years!
Monday, February 06, 2006
Cold Mondays and Manila Stampede
Missing the Old Mondays of long-ago
I will miss the Mondays that I saw you.
I will miss seeing you.
I will miss the conversations we have.
I will miss the freezing cold while we share smokes.
I will miss you.
You promised that we will see each other on Sundays. So I guess, Sunday will soon become one of my favorite days. But then again, I have yet to hear from you again.
You, once again, promised that you will give me a call but as this Sunday passed and no call have been received from you.
Is this the glaring proof that our thing is dying its natural death?
Do I need even more proof that we are done and over?
But then again, why did you have to buy a house that is, as you laid it out to me during our last Monday together: "It's a 10 minute ride from your house." Why did you say that we'll see each other on Sundays if you have no intention of seeing me again? Why did you have to say all those things?
Are you really a grade A asshole to still string me along for a ride that we both know would not be going anywhere?
Or maybe, it's me. Maybe I'm just THAT stupid that I still stay even though the facts are already right in front of my face. Maybe it's me because I can not say the words that you've been waiting for all these time. Maybe it's me because I still agreed to be in this thing despite the fact that . . . That you are a man of responsibilities. Maybe it's me because I wanted you to know that you are worthy to be treated the man you are. Maybe it's me, because I still hold on.
I will miss you and our Mondays together.
I am missing you but I really couldn't do anything about it.
I just have to wait until you remember to call me and let me know your new schedule.
I am antsy right now, because if it was still your old shift, I would've been with you right now. I would've been out in the cold with you. We would've been laughing right now or at the very least stupidly grinning at each other.
I miss the Mondays of the not-so-long-ago.
*****
BRRR!!!!
Current Temperature in T.O.: -5 feels like -16
Weather: Light Flurries
What a frigging way to start this new week, eh? Freezing sub-zero temperatures coupled by light snow.
Did I remember that it was going to snow today? NOPE!
Ergo, the possibility of me slipping on hard snow is very great right now. Tsk! Tsk! I should've put on my winter boots. . . ARGHHHH!!!!!
Too many things on my mind lately so I forgot.
Here I am hiding in our library and have been writing these past 2 and 1/2 hours. My lj space is up and running so I've been tinkering with it for quite a bit. Also finally got Butuin's new email address so wrote her a lengthy letter about family and stuff. I also wrote Friendster testimonials for Cheesy Boy and Japanese Acrobat Sister. Hmm. . .yeah, I've been writing quite a bit these past few hours.
I guess this is my defense mechanism for (once again!) bombing a Calculus test and for feeling cold.
I'm so cold that I am wearing my winter jacket while writing this entry. OH YEAH!!!!!!!!
I've soooo much work to do but no energy to do it. I just want to lie down and sleep this day off but I can't afford that. I am no longer in P.I. I have to earn money so I need to go to work. If I am home, I can't just sleep the whole day off because there are so many household chores I have to do. Yes, I have the burden of doing nearly all the chores in the house as I am the girl. Whatever the hell that means!!!!!!
I should be freaking out because two of my research papers will soon be due. Have I started on any of them? NOPE!!!!!
Lethargy has taken hold of me. And the cold is just fueling the laziness that I am feeling. FUCK!!!!
*****
Fave Word of the Day. . .
. . .is FUCK!
Yes, I have a filthy trucker's mouth!
I've been saying and writing this world quite a number of times this day and it's not even the end of the day! FUCK! (There you go!)
I don't know what's up with me but I am feeling soooo. . . BLAH!!!! FUCK!!!!
I've been writing non-stop these past few hours and I just couldn't stop writing. I gues I'm doing this because I don't want to look at the time and realize that this is the first of the many Mondays that I wouldn't be seeing Dearest Stranger.
Do I miss him? Hell yeah! I fucking miss that grade A asshole! Argghhhh!!!
I never thought I would ever say this but I do miss him. . .
But the thing is, I know that I still haven't crossed his mind. Argghhhh!!!!
I fucking miss you Dearest Stranger! I hope and pray that you call me soon. . .
*****
Manila Stampede (KAPAMILYA)
This is sooooo sad!
Photo taken from: ABS-CBNnow!
88 people died in this Manila Stampede which happened February 4th of this year. Apparently thousands of people were in line for a noontime game show that was giving out a prize of 2 Million Pesos (approximately around $35,000 American). Apparently the theatre that the noontime show was being held were only good for 17,000 people but 25,000 showed up for the show. And obviously ABS-CBN was forgot to take into consideration how the crowd will swell up when you dangle 2 Million bucks for anybody to get. Crowd control should've been their top priority and not ratings. Goddamn fucking TV ratings!!!!
Money is really hard to come by back home because it was reported that even though many were injured and a lot died, there are still a lot of people who stayed in the hopes that they get picked for that goddamned show!
I pray that whoever is responsible for this reckless and preventable event should be given the iron-fist. The amount of people who died and got injured in this event deserves to be compensated in any which way by law or thru financial help.
Now, let's see how this will affect the high and mighty ABS-CBN. Your insensitivity sure didn't impress a lot of people. Your fucked up priorities now is glaring like a pimple waiting to be picked on. What was your slogan, again? KAPAMILYA? Is this what you call KAPAMILYA? Is this the way you treat your KAPAMILYA?
What a crappy way of showing your gratitude to those little people who keep your network going and those that treat you as their KAPAMILYA!
*****
I am Angel. . . missing P.I. and Dearest Stranger!
I will miss the Mondays that I saw you.
I will miss seeing you.
I will miss the conversations we have.
I will miss the freezing cold while we share smokes.
I will miss you.
You promised that we will see each other on Sundays. So I guess, Sunday will soon become one of my favorite days. But then again, I have yet to hear from you again.
You, once again, promised that you will give me a call but as this Sunday passed and no call have been received from you.
Is this the glaring proof that our thing is dying its natural death?
Do I need even more proof that we are done and over?
But then again, why did you have to buy a house that is, as you laid it out to me during our last Monday together: "It's a 10 minute ride from your house." Why did you say that we'll see each other on Sundays if you have no intention of seeing me again? Why did you have to say all those things?
Are you really a grade A asshole to still string me along for a ride that we both know would not be going anywhere?
Or maybe, it's me. Maybe I'm just THAT stupid that I still stay even though the facts are already right in front of my face. Maybe it's me because I can not say the words that you've been waiting for all these time. Maybe it's me because I still agreed to be in this thing despite the fact that . . . That you are a man of responsibilities. Maybe it's me because I wanted you to know that you are worthy to be treated the man you are. Maybe it's me, because I still hold on.
I will miss you and our Mondays together.
I am missing you but I really couldn't do anything about it.
I just have to wait until you remember to call me and let me know your new schedule.
I am antsy right now, because if it was still your old shift, I would've been with you right now. I would've been out in the cold with you. We would've been laughing right now or at the very least stupidly grinning at each other.
I miss the Mondays of the not-so-long-ago.
*****
BRRR!!!!
Current Temperature in T.O.: -5 feels like -16
Weather: Light Flurries
What a frigging way to start this new week, eh? Freezing sub-zero temperatures coupled by light snow.
Did I remember that it was going to snow today? NOPE!
Ergo, the possibility of me slipping on hard snow is very great right now. Tsk! Tsk! I should've put on my winter boots. . . ARGHHHH!!!!!
Too many things on my mind lately so I forgot.
Here I am hiding in our library and have been writing these past 2 and 1/2 hours. My lj space is up and running so I've been tinkering with it for quite a bit. Also finally got Butuin's new email address so wrote her a lengthy letter about family and stuff. I also wrote Friendster testimonials for Cheesy Boy and Japanese Acrobat Sister. Hmm. . .yeah, I've been writing quite a bit these past few hours.
I guess this is my defense mechanism for (once again!) bombing a Calculus test and for feeling cold.
I'm so cold that I am wearing my winter jacket while writing this entry. OH YEAH!!!!!!!!
I've soooo much work to do but no energy to do it. I just want to lie down and sleep this day off but I can't afford that. I am no longer in P.I. I have to earn money so I need to go to work. If I am home, I can't just sleep the whole day off because there are so many household chores I have to do. Yes, I have the burden of doing nearly all the chores in the house as I am the girl. Whatever the hell that means!!!!!!
I should be freaking out because two of my research papers will soon be due. Have I started on any of them? NOPE!!!!!
Lethargy has taken hold of me. And the cold is just fueling the laziness that I am feeling. FUCK!!!!
*****
Fave Word of the Day. . .
. . .is FUCK!
Yes, I have a filthy trucker's mouth!
I've been saying and writing this world quite a number of times this day and it's not even the end of the day! FUCK! (There you go!)
I don't know what's up with me but I am feeling soooo. . . BLAH!!!! FUCK!!!!
I've been writing non-stop these past few hours and I just couldn't stop writing. I gues I'm doing this because I don't want to look at the time and realize that this is the first of the many Mondays that I wouldn't be seeing Dearest Stranger.
Do I miss him? Hell yeah! I fucking miss that grade A asshole! Argghhhh!!!
I never thought I would ever say this but I do miss him. . .
But the thing is, I know that I still haven't crossed his mind. Argghhhh!!!!
I fucking miss you Dearest Stranger! I hope and pray that you call me soon. . .
*****
Manila Stampede (KAPAMILYA)
This is sooooo sad!
Photo taken from: ABS-CBNnow!
88 people died in this Manila Stampede which happened February 4th of this year. Apparently thousands of people were in line for a noontime game show that was giving out a prize of 2 Million Pesos (approximately around $35,000 American). Apparently the theatre that the noontime show was being held were only good for 17,000 people but 25,000 showed up for the show. And obviously ABS-CBN was forgot to take into consideration how the crowd will swell up when you dangle 2 Million bucks for anybody to get. Crowd control should've been their top priority and not ratings. Goddamn fucking TV ratings!!!!
Money is really hard to come by back home because it was reported that even though many were injured and a lot died, there are still a lot of people who stayed in the hopes that they get picked for that goddamned show!
I pray that whoever is responsible for this reckless and preventable event should be given the iron-fist. The amount of people who died and got injured in this event deserves to be compensated in any which way by law or thru financial help.
Now, let's see how this will affect the high and mighty ABS-CBN. Your insensitivity sure didn't impress a lot of people. Your fucked up priorities now is glaring like a pimple waiting to be picked on. What was your slogan, again? KAPAMILYA? Is this what you call KAPAMILYA? Is this the way you treat your KAPAMILYA?
What a crappy way of showing your gratitude to those little people who keep your network going and those that treat you as their KAPAMILYA!
*****
I am Angel. . . missing P.I. and Dearest Stranger!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
What's in the News?
Current Affairs
Two things have been popping up in all of the late night news shows and they are: 1) SUPERBOWL FEVER and 2) the outrage of the Muslims by a Danish Newspaper Editorial cartoon.
Superbowl Fever is obviously about American Football and how big a celebration it is for a big percentage of the people in America (including Canada), so I wouldn't really be saying anything about it. Besides, I'm not really a sports fanatic so I really don't care about the Superbowl. I might have to know a couple of things about it though to keep the small talk going with people at work and with Dearest Stranger (that is if and when I still see him!).
The outrage of the Muslims offended by a Danish Newspaper Editorial is accounted for and the Danish Newspaper's answer isn't really satisfactory for me. Yes ,they are doing it on the grounds of freedom of speech but then again, freedom of speech is not really an excuse for journalism insensitivity. It's true that journalism aims to describe the events that are happening in our world and our surroundings, but as I believe that journalists' should practice a little bit of sensitivity when it comes to controversial and sensational matters like religion. If I remember it right, my highschool teacher in my Personality Development Class told us that as evidence of good manners and good breeding is that one should never, ever, ever talk about these three things: 1) Money, 2) Politics and 3) Religion. People would never agree on these three things. I'm not saying that journalists' shouldn't talk about these things but I suggest that they just practice a little bit of sensitivity and moral judgment. Further sensationalizing an issue does not make a positive effect on people.
Not all Muslims are bad people nor are they all intending to "rule" the world. Or are they wanting world domination. Belief perseverance tends to rule people's thinking, therefore, a majority of people tend to just continue on believing things even though there are evidences that proves that their belief is wrong.
I just hope that racism would soon stop. Discrimination does not help anyone. Exclusivity is not what we need right now. What this world needs is to be unified. People should look beyond the skin color, the wrong pronunciation of things, and of different names of them Higher Beings.
Sometimes a little dose of sensitivity will help us all but then again too much of it breeds contempt. Let us all just keep things in moderation.
+++ I am posting the controversial editorial cartoon for people to understand what I'm talking about.
*****
VENTING OUTon about YOU
I hate you!
I really do!
Sometimes I wonder if dearest stranger is worse than you but aat the end of the day it just sums up with you being the worse one.
I hate you!
I hate you!
I really am starting to hate you!
Don't be surprised if and when one day you just stop hearing from me. When all of a sudden I just stop being in your world. It's coming soon kid. It's coming soon.
Right now, I'd rather be with a man like dearest stranger than continue being friends with you. Just being friends with you is killing me all the more, every time we talk. Soon, I'd actually go and kill myself if I continue doing this shit with you.
FUCK YOU!!!!
*****
I am Angel. . . once again, slacking off. . .
Two things have been popping up in all of the late night news shows and they are: 1) SUPERBOWL FEVER and 2) the outrage of the Muslims by a Danish Newspaper Editorial cartoon.
Superbowl Fever is obviously about American Football and how big a celebration it is for a big percentage of the people in America (including Canada), so I wouldn't really be saying anything about it. Besides, I'm not really a sports fanatic so I really don't care about the Superbowl. I might have to know a couple of things about it though to keep the small talk going with people at work and with Dearest Stranger (that is if and when I still see him!).
The outrage of the Muslims offended by a Danish Newspaper Editorial is accounted for and the Danish Newspaper's answer isn't really satisfactory for me. Yes ,they are doing it on the grounds of freedom of speech but then again, freedom of speech is not really an excuse for journalism insensitivity. It's true that journalism aims to describe the events that are happening in our world and our surroundings, but as I believe that journalists' should practice a little bit of sensitivity when it comes to controversial and sensational matters like religion. If I remember it right, my highschool teacher in my Personality Development Class told us that as evidence of good manners and good breeding is that one should never, ever, ever talk about these three things: 1) Money, 2) Politics and 3) Religion. People would never agree on these three things. I'm not saying that journalists' shouldn't talk about these things but I suggest that they just practice a little bit of sensitivity and moral judgment. Further sensationalizing an issue does not make a positive effect on people.
Not all Muslims are bad people nor are they all intending to "rule" the world. Or are they wanting world domination. Belief perseverance tends to rule people's thinking, therefore, a majority of people tend to just continue on believing things even though there are evidences that proves that their belief is wrong.
I just hope that racism would soon stop. Discrimination does not help anyone. Exclusivity is not what we need right now. What this world needs is to be unified. People should look beyond the skin color, the wrong pronunciation of things, and of different names of them Higher Beings.
Sometimes a little dose of sensitivity will help us all but then again too much of it breeds contempt. Let us all just keep things in moderation.
+++ I am posting the controversial editorial cartoon for people to understand what I'm talking about.
*****
VENTING OUT
I hate you!
I really do!
Sometimes I wonder if dearest stranger is worse than you but aat the end of the day it just sums up with you being the worse one.
I hate you!
I hate you!
I really am starting to hate you!
Don't be surprised if and when one day you just stop hearing from me. When all of a sudden I just stop being in your world. It's coming soon kid. It's coming soon.
Right now, I'd rather be with a man like dearest stranger than continue being friends with you. Just being friends with you is killing me all the more, every time we talk. Soon, I'd actually go and kill myself if I continue doing this shit with you.
FUCK YOU!!!!
*****
I am Angel. . . once again, slacking off. . .
Friday, February 03, 2006
Me No Speak Good English
Me No Speak Good English
The F-O-B in me is, once again, rearing it's ugly head.
This whole day never made a single sense to anyone or to me. I was just blabbering and bantering what-nots the entire day. I would carry conversations with people and then all of a sudden zone out. Even had the "twitch" -- wherein you have a seizure like snapping out of a zone moment. This happened for a couple of minutes while I was out at frontdesk.
The last client I had during my 1 hour and 1/2 stint out at frontdesk was a Chinese guy who is and utterly obviously devoid of english-speaking company as I had to ask him 10 times (every time talking slower than the first) if he had an insurance policy with our company and then had to ask him 5 times to take a seat in one of our booths and wait for the phone to ring for someone to help him out with his policy. I think around the third time I told him that he needed to take a seat and wait for the broker's call, he had a worried look in his face and tells me apologetically that: "ME NO SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH. DO YOU HAVE CHINESE?" Unfortunately, our company doesn't offer Chinese (or any other languages) services.
He was lucky though because the broker who called him up was one of the few nice people at our back-office (people who handles walk-in clients).
In my opinion, our company should really invest a bit of money hiring bilingual analysts specially those who can speak either Mandarin or Cantonese as a big percentage of our clients are Chinese.
As for me, I think I should start buying grammar books or taking up ESL classes as my english is slowly deteriorating as the days go by. . . Or maybe this is just because I have too many things on my mind that it's racing around thereby faltering both my language and thinking abilities. Or maybe too many nights out with Mary Jane! LOL! ^_^
Tsk! Tsk!
Dear Voyeurs, let's all give my inner FOB a big round of applause! You frigging made a lot of people's day today!
*****
1 YEAR CONTRACT
A full-time receptionist 1 year contract position just opened up in our office. As one of the DOCU people is going on Mat. Leave it opened up quite a number of positions in our small department.
I am considering and have applied for this one year contract position and am opting to leave school for a year if they approve my application. This would entail me taking a longer time to graduate but then again, would give me the rest I need from the rigorous and sometimes arduous studying I've been doing the past year and a half. This would also allow me an opportunity to catch up with all the debts I've accumulated these years and also would give me a chance to save up for the next school year just as long as I watch my spending.
Apparently they are seriously considering me for the job but unfortunately they need the position to be filled right away. I gave them an option of me doing a 12 pm-8pm shift week with the exception of Tuesdays wherein I will be working a 4 pm-8pm shift because my last class ends at 2:30pm that day. I'll be doing this kind of shift until the first week of April wherein that would be the last week of school. Hopefully, the management would find a way to give that job to me.
If not, I have to look for a weekend job. A weekend job that would most probably be along the lines of McDonald's or some major fastfood chains. . . which I don't really think I would like to be in but if worse comes to worst I have no choice.
OH WAIT!!! Maybe I could ask Dearest Stranger if there is an opening at the Durham Transit office. . . But then again, I don't think I would want to work with Dearest Stranger. I will most definitely get distracted by him (most specially his piercing eyes!) and wouldn't be able to do or finish any job.
I guess I really have no choice but go do the MickeyD's way. . .
Frigging HELL!!!!
Fudging mismanagement of finances. . .
Once again, I've proven an old Filipino saying: Sa huli ang pagsisisi! (Regret comes after the fact!)
*****
11 days to go. . .
. . . And it's Valentine's day.
I just realized that this will be my second Valentine's day here in Canada. I don't remember what happened the first time I had Valentine's here. All I remember are the many cards I sent to Ikaw when we were still sort of playing good music (actually, while I was being played with!).
I wonder if I'll even remember what might happen this Valentine's Day next year. I wonder if I'll get the traditional stuff that women get during that day: chocolates, strawberries, flowers, champagne and a very romantic dinner. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would even remember to call during that day. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would take me out or even give me single wilted rose. I wonder if I would end up finding comfort in Ikaw's voice at the end of that day.
What is most definite about that day is a meeting with Mary Jane to ease the pain away. What is most definite about that day is I will be reminiscing like crazy. What is most definite about that day is that I will be missing to be with the company of someone. What is most definite about that day is the glaring fact that I will be experiencing what every other woman experiences that day. . . NEGLECT!
*****
I am Angel. . . my inner F-O-B coming out full speed ahead!
The F-O-B in me is, once again, rearing it's ugly head.
This whole day never made a single sense to anyone or to me. I was just blabbering and bantering what-nots the entire day. I would carry conversations with people and then all of a sudden zone out. Even had the "twitch" -- wherein you have a seizure like snapping out of a zone moment. This happened for a couple of minutes while I was out at frontdesk.
The last client I had during my 1 hour and 1/2 stint out at frontdesk was a Chinese guy who is and utterly obviously devoid of english-speaking company as I had to ask him 10 times (every time talking slower than the first) if he had an insurance policy with our company and then had to ask him 5 times to take a seat in one of our booths and wait for the phone to ring for someone to help him out with his policy. I think around the third time I told him that he needed to take a seat and wait for the broker's call, he had a worried look in his face and tells me apologetically that: "ME NO SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH. DO YOU HAVE CHINESE?" Unfortunately, our company doesn't offer Chinese (or any other languages) services.
He was lucky though because the broker who called him up was one of the few nice people at our back-office (people who handles walk-in clients).
In my opinion, our company should really invest a bit of money hiring bilingual analysts specially those who can speak either Mandarin or Cantonese as a big percentage of our clients are Chinese.
As for me, I think I should start buying grammar books or taking up ESL classes as my english is slowly deteriorating as the days go by. . . Or maybe this is just because I have too many things on my mind that it's racing around thereby faltering both my language and thinking abilities. Or maybe too many nights out with Mary Jane! LOL! ^_^
Tsk! Tsk!
Dear Voyeurs, let's all give my inner FOB a big round of applause! You frigging made a lot of people's day today!
*****
1 YEAR CONTRACT
A full-time receptionist 1 year contract position just opened up in our office. As one of the DOCU people is going on Mat. Leave it opened up quite a number of positions in our small department.
I am considering and have applied for this one year contract position and am opting to leave school for a year if they approve my application. This would entail me taking a longer time to graduate but then again, would give me the rest I need from the rigorous and sometimes arduous studying I've been doing the past year and a half. This would also allow me an opportunity to catch up with all the debts I've accumulated these years and also would give me a chance to save up for the next school year just as long as I watch my spending.
Apparently they are seriously considering me for the job but unfortunately they need the position to be filled right away. I gave them an option of me doing a 12 pm-8pm shift week with the exception of Tuesdays wherein I will be working a 4 pm-8pm shift because my last class ends at 2:30pm that day. I'll be doing this kind of shift until the first week of April wherein that would be the last week of school. Hopefully, the management would find a way to give that job to me.
If not, I have to look for a weekend job. A weekend job that would most probably be along the lines of McDonald's or some major fastfood chains. . . which I don't really think I would like to be in but if worse comes to worst I have no choice.
OH WAIT!!! Maybe I could ask Dearest Stranger if there is an opening at the Durham Transit office. . . But then again, I don't think I would want to work with Dearest Stranger. I will most definitely get distracted by him (most specially his piercing eyes!) and wouldn't be able to do or finish any job.
I guess I really have no choice but go do the MickeyD's way. . .
Frigging HELL!!!!
Fudging mismanagement of finances. . .
Once again, I've proven an old Filipino saying: Sa huli ang pagsisisi! (Regret comes after the fact!)
*****
11 days to go. . .
. . . And it's Valentine's day.
I just realized that this will be my second Valentine's day here in Canada. I don't remember what happened the first time I had Valentine's here. All I remember are the many cards I sent to Ikaw when we were still sort of playing good music (actually, while I was being played with!).
I wonder if I'll even remember what might happen this Valentine's Day next year. I wonder if I'll get the traditional stuff that women get during that day: chocolates, strawberries, flowers, champagne and a very romantic dinner. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would even remember to call during that day. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would take me out or even give me single wilted rose. I wonder if I would end up finding comfort in Ikaw's voice at the end of that day.
What is most definite about that day is a meeting with Mary Jane to ease the pain away. What is most definite about that day is I will be reminiscing like crazy. What is most definite about that day is that I will be missing to be with the company of someone. What is most definite about that day is the glaring fact that I will be experiencing what every other woman experiences that day. . . NEGLECT!
*****
I am Angel. . . my inner F-O-B coming out full speed ahead!
A commendation and a Recall
Merci Bella Chutybaba!
I often say that writing is my first love and that it is that one constant thing in my life. For many years I have thought that all I churn out are crap or "sickeningly failed attempts at literature" as one of my writing guild colleagues used to describe my work.
Having someone say that they were affected by my writing and that I should continue writing because they think I am good means so much to me. Doing something out of love and being commended gives any person the natural high that synthetic or organic drugs attempt to replicate.
Thank you Chutybaba for that vouch of confidence. Thank you for making me feel that maybe I have a chance in writing. Thank you Chutybaba for restoring a long lost faith in my own work.
Merci!
*****
IM's
Here is an MSN conversation I would like to share to you my dearest voyeurs. This is an excerpt from a lengthy IM session that a Goddess exchanged with Lovely Dear Chutybaba.
31/01/2006
12:08:20 AM
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
we should all go out have a coffee or something. . .
Pio...such long days-)...
lol....awwww...i miss you too kiddo!! i know we definitely should!!
Pio...such long days-)...
it's been too long!
Pio...such long days-)...
oh and i wanted to give you a ( hug) cause i read your last blog but i haven't had a chance to reply
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
ohhh. . .yeah? i never thought people actually cared about what i write.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i write crap. LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
no seriously i was in tears
Pio...such long days-)...
i know how you feel and i just didn't have the time and when i did i just couldn't get myself to write cause i would've balled
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
which one are you referring to?
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
is it the one about being alone?
Edited
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i wish i could say it would get easier but with you knowing me, i'm not really a credible source to say that.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i'm so sorry.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just vent out all your anger and frustration in writing.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
it helps. :D
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i remember that i've written sooo many poems and a short story too because of my many break-ups with my ex-boy.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just let it flow darling. let it flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just put your fingers in the home keys and everything will flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
a friend of mine used to say to me: out of the greatest pain and misery of our lives comes the birth of great masterpieces.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
at least, this is one positive side of being heartbroken.
Pio...such long days-)...
thats definitely true
Pio...such long days-)...
i like that saying
Pio...such long days-)...
i guess it's a good lesson but i just wish it didn't hurt as much...you know
EDITED!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just keep writing my dear Pio. write until you fingers bleed and your hands are ink stained. type away your thoughts until there are callouses on your fingers. write because it eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i believe that there is solitude and peace in writing away our pain.
Pio...such long days-)...
it might be horrible but i can sleep better
EDITED!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i know that thoughts are becoming more and more like a vicious cycle, putting it in writing eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
hahaha! now you know why I keep on saying that writing is my first love, eh? LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
lol
Pio...such long days-)...
cause it's the only thing that'll accept you for you..and love you regardless and doesn't harm you...i know
EDITED
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
that's why writing sometimes does harm to you. . .
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
but after awhile, that "harm" is turned into a written piece of work again.
EDITED
Pio...such long days-)...
i think you should do writing you seriously are good!!!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
LOL! thanks darling but seriously, someone told me I suck. LOL! That's the reason I know that what I write is crap. Apparently I have the vocabulary of an 7th grader.
EDITED
Pio...such long days-)...
lol...you're sweet...but i think sometimes people have no idea the brilliance of their work....i mean you are really good...its a real expression and people are touched.
Thank you once again Chutybaba! You have restored something that I have lost a long-time ago.
*****
Update on Dearest Stranger
Unfortunately my dear Voyeurs, I chickened out the day I was supposed to end things with Dearest Stranger. I was all prepped up for it but I couldn't say anything.
Btw, things just got a tadbit weird. Dearest Stranger bought a house in AJAX!!! Of all the frigging places where he can buy a house, he bought it in the city that I AM LIVING!!! And he casually told me that the house he bought will be a 10 minute car ride from my house!!! Fantastic! NOT!!! And then he added, PANG will only be sleeping there for three days. . .
OH GREAT CRAP!!!! Why did you have to tell me all these things? You knew that I was a bit off that day but you just had to tell me all these stuff, eh? You knew what I was about to do but you chose to ignore it. You knew that we aren't going anywhere but still you keep on stringing me along. You know that you don't feel anything for me, but why?!? why?!? why did you have to tell me all these things?
And the weirdest thing of all, I STILL FUCKING STAY!!!!
****
I am Angel. . .sleepless in Canada!
I often say that writing is my first love and that it is that one constant thing in my life. For many years I have thought that all I churn out are crap or "sickeningly failed attempts at literature" as one of my writing guild colleagues used to describe my work.
Having someone say that they were affected by my writing and that I should continue writing because they think I am good means so much to me. Doing something out of love and being commended gives any person the natural high that synthetic or organic drugs attempt to replicate.
Thank you Chutybaba for that vouch of confidence. Thank you for making me feel that maybe I have a chance in writing. Thank you Chutybaba for restoring a long lost faith in my own work.
Merci!
*****
IM's
Here is an MSN conversation I would like to share to you my dearest voyeurs. This is an excerpt from a lengthy IM session that a Goddess exchanged with Lovely Dear Chutybaba.
31/01/2006
12:08:20 AM
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
we should all go out have a coffee or something. . .
Pio...such long days-)...
lol....awwww...i miss you too kiddo!! i know we definitely should!!
Pio...such long days-)...
it's been too long!
Pio...such long days-)...
oh and i wanted to give you a ( hug) cause i read your last blog but i haven't had a chance to reply
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
ohhh. . .yeah? i never thought people actually cared about what i write.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i write crap. LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
no seriously i was in tears
Pio...such long days-)...
i know how you feel and i just didn't have the time and when i did i just couldn't get myself to write cause i would've balled
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
which one are you referring to?
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
is it the one about being alone?
Edited
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i wish i could say it would get easier but with you knowing me, i'm not really a credible source to say that.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i'm so sorry.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just vent out all your anger and frustration in writing.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
it helps. :D
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i remember that i've written sooo many poems and a short story too because of my many break-ups with my ex-boy.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just let it flow darling. let it flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just put your fingers in the home keys and everything will flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
a friend of mine used to say to me: out of the greatest pain and misery of our lives comes the birth of great masterpieces.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
at least, this is one positive side of being heartbroken.
Pio...such long days-)...
thats definitely true
Pio...such long days-)...
i like that saying
Pio...such long days-)...
i guess it's a good lesson but i just wish it didn't hurt as much...you know
EDITED!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just keep writing my dear Pio. write until you fingers bleed and your hands are ink stained. type away your thoughts until there are callouses on your fingers. write because it eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i believe that there is solitude and peace in writing away our pain.
Pio...such long days-)...
it might be horrible but i can sleep better
EDITED!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i know that thoughts are becoming more and more like a vicious cycle, putting it in writing eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
hahaha! now you know why I keep on saying that writing is my first love, eh? LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
lol
Pio...such long days-)...
cause it's the only thing that'll accept you for you..and love you regardless and doesn't harm you...i know
EDITED
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
that's why writing sometimes does harm to you. . .
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
but after awhile, that "harm" is turned into a written piece of work again.
EDITED
Pio...such long days-)...
i think you should do writing you seriously are good!!!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
LOL! thanks darling but seriously, someone told me I suck. LOL! That's the reason I know that what I write is crap. Apparently I have the vocabulary of an 7th grader.
EDITED
Pio...such long days-)...
lol...you're sweet...but i think sometimes people have no idea the brilliance of their work....i mean you are really good...its a real expression and people are touched.
Thank you once again Chutybaba! You have restored something that I have lost a long-time ago.
*****
Update on Dearest Stranger
Unfortunately my dear Voyeurs, I chickened out the day I was supposed to end things with Dearest Stranger. I was all prepped up for it but I couldn't say anything.
Btw, things just got a tadbit weird. Dearest Stranger bought a house in AJAX!!! Of all the frigging places where he can buy a house, he bought it in the city that I AM LIVING!!! And he casually told me that the house he bought will be a 10 minute car ride from my house!!! Fantastic! NOT!!! And then he added, PANG will only be sleeping there for three days. . .
OH GREAT CRAP!!!! Why did you have to tell me all these things? You knew that I was a bit off that day but you just had to tell me all these stuff, eh? You knew what I was about to do but you chose to ignore it. You knew that we aren't going anywhere but still you keep on stringing me along. You know that you don't feel anything for me, but why?!? why?!? why did you have to tell me all these things?
And the weirdest thing of all, I STILL FUCKING STAY!!!!
****
I am Angel. . .sleepless in Canada!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
An attempt to an impossible Feat
For Dearest Stranger
I wish I could tell you what's going on inside my head.
All weekend, I have been anticipating to hear from you. I have been expecting but my expectations and anticipations comes to no avail. And once again, I am crying.
It's crazy for me to think that we're still something because we never really did become anything. I've pushed myself to you. I have forced myself, again, to someone who is not able to commit himself.
For the past few months you have been showing me signs of neglect, of being unappreciated but I kept holding on thinking that maybe somehow you still needed me in your life and that I am more than a boom-boom. But I guess, I am just like them many ladies that came into your life. I am nothing but a stupid gullible girl who thought that I would somehow influence your life in a nice way. I was foolish to think that I would be more than anything in your life. If I was, you would have had put in more effort and you would have shown a bit of appreciation but no. . . All you showed me was neglect and cold shoulder.
I guess what I am really trying to drive at is that to rid you of the guilt of breaking up with me, I would do it. Tomorrow, I will be breaking up with you. I never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I never imagined that tears would flow freely like this. I never imagined that somehow a part of me would die. I never imagined that I would say this: I think a part of me really do love you.
I have never demanded much of your time. I have never asked you the whys and the how or what we are. I showered you with so much affection but I guess it just went by unnoticed. I never complained that much. But I guess, I wasn't enough. I guess I was still lacking something huh? I will never be good enough for you or for anyone else.
I never thought it would be this hard to break it off. I never thought that I would be this affected. We were never really attached that much. We never really warmed up to each other that much. We had so many boundaries and limitations that we never crossed but why do I still feel this way?
I will be breaking up with you tomorrow. I don't know how to do it but I will need to do it. I hope I'll have the strength to go thru with it.
I have never cut anyone off in my life but this time around I will be doing it. I think this time it will work for you have cut me off yours a long time ago.
Tomorrow, I will be attempting a feat that is near impossibility. I will be doing something that is against my personality. Once again, you've showed me something in me that I never thought I had. I owe a lot to you but I guess having a piece of me and a piece of my heart is more than enough payment for that.
*****
I am Angel. . . crying herself to sleep once again!
I wish I could tell you what's going on inside my head.
All weekend, I have been anticipating to hear from you. I have been expecting but my expectations and anticipations comes to no avail. And once again, I am crying.
It's crazy for me to think that we're still something because we never really did become anything. I've pushed myself to you. I have forced myself, again, to someone who is not able to commit himself.
For the past few months you have been showing me signs of neglect, of being unappreciated but I kept holding on thinking that maybe somehow you still needed me in your life and that I am more than a boom-boom. But I guess, I am just like them many ladies that came into your life. I am nothing but a stupid gullible girl who thought that I would somehow influence your life in a nice way. I was foolish to think that I would be more than anything in your life. If I was, you would have had put in more effort and you would have shown a bit of appreciation but no. . . All you showed me was neglect and cold shoulder.
I guess what I am really trying to drive at is that to rid you of the guilt of breaking up with me, I would do it. Tomorrow, I will be breaking up with you. I never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I never imagined that tears would flow freely like this. I never imagined that somehow a part of me would die. I never imagined that I would say this: I think a part of me really do love you.
I have never demanded much of your time. I have never asked you the whys and the how or what we are. I showered you with so much affection but I guess it just went by unnoticed. I never complained that much. But I guess, I wasn't enough. I guess I was still lacking something huh? I will never be good enough for you or for anyone else.
I never thought it would be this hard to break it off. I never thought that I would be this affected. We were never really attached that much. We never really warmed up to each other that much. We had so many boundaries and limitations that we never crossed but why do I still feel this way?
I will be breaking up with you tomorrow. I don't know how to do it but I will need to do it. I hope I'll have the strength to go thru with it.
I have never cut anyone off in my life but this time around I will be doing it. I think this time it will work for you have cut me off yours a long time ago.
Tomorrow, I will be attempting a feat that is near impossibility. I will be doing something that is against my personality. Once again, you've showed me something in me that I never thought I had. I owe a lot to you but I guess having a piece of me and a piece of my heart is more than enough payment for that.
*****
I am Angel. . . crying herself to sleep once again!
Terrible Night
Being Alone
A lot of things have been going on inside my mind these past few hours. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by my loneliness and thoughts about dearest Stranger and Ikaw.
My soul is crying for me. I have been in the brink of tears these past few hours. I am longing for someone. . . anyone. I suddenly feel so alone.
It has been several years since I had a real relationship. I miss having a companion. I miss having someone of my own. I miss all the complexities one gets with a love relationship.
Best said that I should be thankful that I have dearest Stranger. I don't really think I should be. I don't really get anything from him besides free smokes and a couple of minutes every week. I don't even think he appreciates or sees the little things I do for him. I am starting to believe that maybe he's not that into me. Maybe he really is, as he is a man with responsibilities. I wish he could say that we're done instead of stringing me along. I wish he would just tell me to stop. I wish that for a change he becomes a real man and tells me how things are between us, accept the guilt and help me move on. I wish that I never met him.
Ikaw, on the other hand, is toying with me as usual. How can you deal with an ex telling you that they liked someone so much that they endured not having intimate relations with that person? Knowing this made me feel so little. So unappreciated. I felt so taken for granted. And despite of all these feelings, I still stay.
My heart is bleeding right now but I have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do with these situations but I chose to dilly dally in making my decision.
I am in so much pain that I can not find words for it. Suffice to say that as I am typing up this entry tears are flowing from my eyes.
I feel so alone and my heart is aching. I feel so invisible. I am smaller than a tiny speck of air. I am worse than a wall flower. I am less than ordinary.
If this was written in paper, this entry would've been splattered with smudges of tearstains and pieces of my broken heart.
It has been two years of pretending that all is well. Now I am suddenly realizing how pretentious I was these past two years. Now I am suddenly realizing how broken I am.
How do one go about fixing a broken self? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you truly live your life with this great pain and anguish inside of you? How do you become used to being in pain. . . to being alone?
People say I should just lift everything to God or to that Higher Being up there. I did that many times in my life but instead of things getting better, everything got worse. I used to be a believer but now I don't know. I have prayed hard and true but nothing have come of it, the storm in my life just got worse.
You think I am ok but I am really not. I have facades for every occasion that I have mastered the art of social deception. I have friends who think they know me but they really don't. I have friends who think they've got me all figured out but they really don't.
They don't know that at nights, I wonder why I feel so alone. They don't know that I wonder why I feel so empty. They don't know that I have stopped believing in God or the Higher Beings. They don't know that I am not alright nor fine at all.
All they see is me making attempts to be cheerful and peachy. Or be a hard-working student. Or be their co-worker.
They don't see the me lying in my bed in the comfort of my room accompanied by hewy. They don't see the tears I shed every night. They don't know how my mind is viciously reminding me of things from a long dead past or that it strays to dearest stranger or that I wonder about why I am all alone and empty. They don't know that during these times I would want to go back to my old habit to ease the pain. They don't know these things.
Tonight is one of my worst nights. Tonight I am crying myself to sleep again. . . That is if sleep would come to me.
*****
I am Angel. . .crying myself to sleep!
A lot of things have been going on inside my mind these past few hours. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by my loneliness and thoughts about dearest Stranger and Ikaw.
My soul is crying for me. I have been in the brink of tears these past few hours. I am longing for someone. . . anyone. I suddenly feel so alone.
It has been several years since I had a real relationship. I miss having a companion. I miss having someone of my own. I miss all the complexities one gets with a love relationship.
Best said that I should be thankful that I have dearest Stranger. I don't really think I should be. I don't really get anything from him besides free smokes and a couple of minutes every week. I don't even think he appreciates or sees the little things I do for him. I am starting to believe that maybe he's not that into me. Maybe he really is, as he is a man with responsibilities. I wish he could say that we're done instead of stringing me along. I wish he would just tell me to stop. I wish that for a change he becomes a real man and tells me how things are between us, accept the guilt and help me move on. I wish that I never met him.
Ikaw, on the other hand, is toying with me as usual. How can you deal with an ex telling you that they liked someone so much that they endured not having intimate relations with that person? Knowing this made me feel so little. So unappreciated. I felt so taken for granted. And despite of all these feelings, I still stay.
My heart is bleeding right now but I have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do with these situations but I chose to dilly dally in making my decision.
I am in so much pain that I can not find words for it. Suffice to say that as I am typing up this entry tears are flowing from my eyes.
I feel so alone and my heart is aching. I feel so invisible. I am smaller than a tiny speck of air. I am worse than a wall flower. I am less than ordinary.
If this was written in paper, this entry would've been splattered with smudges of tearstains and pieces of my broken heart.
It has been two years of pretending that all is well. Now I am suddenly realizing how pretentious I was these past two years. Now I am suddenly realizing how broken I am.
How do one go about fixing a broken self? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you truly live your life with this great pain and anguish inside of you? How do you become used to being in pain. . . to being alone?
People say I should just lift everything to God or to that Higher Being up there. I did that many times in my life but instead of things getting better, everything got worse. I used to be a believer but now I don't know. I have prayed hard and true but nothing have come of it, the storm in my life just got worse.
You think I am ok but I am really not. I have facades for every occasion that I have mastered the art of social deception. I have friends who think they know me but they really don't. I have friends who think they've got me all figured out but they really don't.
They don't know that at nights, I wonder why I feel so alone. They don't know that I wonder why I feel so empty. They don't know that I have stopped believing in God or the Higher Beings. They don't know that I am not alright nor fine at all.
All they see is me making attempts to be cheerful and peachy. Or be a hard-working student. Or be their co-worker.
They don't see the me lying in my bed in the comfort of my room accompanied by hewy. They don't see the tears I shed every night. They don't know how my mind is viciously reminding me of things from a long dead past or that it strays to dearest stranger or that I wonder about why I am all alone and empty. They don't know that during these times I would want to go back to my old habit to ease the pain. They don't know these things.
Tonight is one of my worst nights. Tonight I am crying myself to sleep again. . . That is if sleep would come to me.
*****
I am Angel. . .crying myself to sleep!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Para Sa Iyo
For Ikaw
I thought that I have flushed you out of my system but it seems like I haven't. My thoughts suddenly touches the past and of the now that we both have. I am suddenly missing you more and more each day.
Technically, I have someone else in my life right now. I both have him and don't have him in my life. It is a complex matter which I still haven't decided on what I should do. And then there's you.
You are a ghost of a long-dead past but I still feel like the past happened just a couple of seconds ago. I suddenly am longing for you again.
I thought I have resolved that I don't feel anything anymore for you. But alas! This is not the case. I guess, in my hearts of heart I am still hoping and praying that somehow we will find our way back to each other.
I miss you. I miss you now more than ever.
I'd like to say that I am praying and hoping that somehow we'll be something that at one point in our lives we planned to be but I know that it is not worth it and that we will never be. I think I still feel the same way about you as I did years ago, despite of all the storms that came our way.
But I have accepted what we are right now. I wish I could say that my heart is not aching or not being torn apart by our pretentious games but if it's the only way I could keep you with in my reach, I'd bear the aches and the pain.
I wish you could feel the way I am feeling. I wish you could fathom how much I still care for you. I wish you would know that I still am very much in love with you.
I miss you. I miss you now more than ever. But, I can't tell you this lest I drive you away again.
I have to keep mum about all these things. Maybe when the right time comes, I will let you know all that I am feeling.
Right now, I am keeping all these hidden in the deepest and darkest crevice of my heart and my mind. I will keep it there locked so that you will not know how and what I feel for now. There I will keep it for me to peruse, ponder and revel in the proof that I am a living, breathing and existing being. My love for you is proof enough that I am a human being.
*****
I am Angel. . . cursing the day Love chose to make GENYL.
I thought that I have flushed you out of my system but it seems like I haven't. My thoughts suddenly touches the past and of the now that we both have. I am suddenly missing you more and more each day.
Technically, I have someone else in my life right now. I both have him and don't have him in my life. It is a complex matter which I still haven't decided on what I should do. And then there's you.
You are a ghost of a long-dead past but I still feel like the past happened just a couple of seconds ago. I suddenly am longing for you again.
I thought I have resolved that I don't feel anything anymore for you. But alas! This is not the case. I guess, in my hearts of heart I am still hoping and praying that somehow we will find our way back to each other.
I miss you. I miss you now more than ever.
I'd like to say that I am praying and hoping that somehow we'll be something that at one point in our lives we planned to be but I know that it is not worth it and that we will never be. I think I still feel the same way about you as I did years ago, despite of all the storms that came our way.
But I have accepted what we are right now. I wish I could say that my heart is not aching or not being torn apart by our pretentious games but if it's the only way I could keep you with in my reach, I'd bear the aches and the pain.
I wish you could feel the way I am feeling. I wish you could fathom how much I still care for you. I wish you would know that I still am very much in love with you.
I miss you. I miss you now more than ever. But, I can't tell you this lest I drive you away again.
I have to keep mum about all these things. Maybe when the right time comes, I will let you know all that I am feeling.
Right now, I am keeping all these hidden in the deepest and darkest crevice of my heart and my mind. I will keep it there locked so that you will not know how and what I feel for now. There I will keep it for me to peruse, ponder and revel in the proof that I am a living, breathing and existing being. My love for you is proof enough that I am a human being.
*****
I am Angel. . . cursing the day Love chose to make GENYL.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Sleepless in Canada Part 2
Pre-REM thoughts
It's the early morn of this day and the sandman hasn't come my way. I guess he forgot to put me on his list of people to sprinkle his special sleeping sand.
Here I am awaiting sleep with an aching body and feeling nauseated. I have not been feeling well these past couple of days. I need to get some rest but rest is elusive.
Sadness is keeping me company right now. Tears are suddenly coming out of my tear ducts. My thoughts drift to places I have consciously blocked out. I am suddenly starting to questions certain things that I have done and have been doing in my life. This is not the time for this. Rest is what I need.
Would clarity of mind give me the rest I am so desperately seeking? If it is so, how many more sleepless nights would I be enduring so that I could get the rest I need? Clarity of mind doesn't happen overnight, you know.
I wish soon enough, things would slowly unfold themselves to me so that I could see things clearly. Or maybe they've already been unfolded, its just that I choose not to see them.
My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.
AM I FEELING THIS WAY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T DEALT WITH ISSUES I NEED TO DEAL WITH A LONG TIME AGO? ARE MY WORRIES PRESENTING THEMSELVES TO ME AND TO THE WHOLE WORLD PSYCHOSOMATICALLY?
My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.
*****
A Poem for Dearest Stranger
Show me the world
And I recoil in horror
I’ve been up in the clouds
And sheltered I have been
Show me the richness of love
And I run away confused
I have been hurt
And jaded I will always be
I have to open my heart
And let you in
But I fear
My fragile self broken into pieces
I want you
But I can never have you
*****
I am Angel. . . sick as a Dog!
It's the early morn of this day and the sandman hasn't come my way. I guess he forgot to put me on his list of people to sprinkle his special sleeping sand.
Here I am awaiting sleep with an aching body and feeling nauseated. I have not been feeling well these past couple of days. I need to get some rest but rest is elusive.
Sadness is keeping me company right now. Tears are suddenly coming out of my tear ducts. My thoughts drift to places I have consciously blocked out. I am suddenly starting to questions certain things that I have done and have been doing in my life. This is not the time for this. Rest is what I need.
Would clarity of mind give me the rest I am so desperately seeking? If it is so, how many more sleepless nights would I be enduring so that I could get the rest I need? Clarity of mind doesn't happen overnight, you know.
I wish soon enough, things would slowly unfold themselves to me so that I could see things clearly. Or maybe they've already been unfolded, its just that I choose not to see them.
My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.
AM I FEELING THIS WAY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T DEALT WITH ISSUES I NEED TO DEAL WITH A LONG TIME AGO? ARE MY WORRIES PRESENTING THEMSELVES TO ME AND TO THE WHOLE WORLD PSYCHOSOMATICALLY?
My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.
*****
A Poem for Dearest Stranger
Show me the world
And I recoil in horror
I’ve been up in the clouds
And sheltered I have been
Show me the richness of love
And I run away confused
I have been hurt
And jaded I will always be
I have to open my heart
And let you in
But I fear
My fragile self broken into pieces
I want you
But I can never have you
*****
I am Angel. . . sick as a Dog!
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