Butterflies and Brats

This is how I am now that you're gone

2006-11-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

I stare but do not see.
I am numb yet I feel.
I hear but not listen.
I am drained of life yet still full of it.
This is how I am now that you've left me.
I am damaged and now more damaged.
I want to talk to you, hear you out, and be with you
But you chose to exclude me from your life.
You once said I was the one you cared for the most
But here I am in the dumps trying my hardest to get over you.

I thought I said this was nothing but fun.
I guess, I was dead wrong.
If wanting to mean something to you
Equates to attachment to you
Then I am. . . I was attached to you.
I will miss you and our little habits.
I will miss you, my ever Dearest Stranger.

We're Over

2006-11-30T01:01:00.000-05:00

I force myself to normalcy these past few days. I would rather crawl in my bed and sleep the day away. I force myself to smile and act happy while the pain inside me is slowly killing me. Why am I still in so much pain when I knew that this would not go on forever? Why am I still reeling from your actions when you've done the same deed as before? Why am I still eagerly waiting by my phone hoping that somehow you'll still call? There wasn't any formality when we started but why do I expect an explanation for this informal and rude way of you cutting me off? I don't exactly know what I am feeling right now. I know I should be mad at you but I couldn't. I wish things were easier. I wish that somehow in some strange way and for once, things would go my way; but with the stupid and dumb luck I have. . . The farthest thing imaginable is what's going to happen. I wish I could just talk to you for one last time. I wish thing were different. I wish I am not in pain. I wish that somehow I made a difference in your life.

FUCK!

MANEATER

2006-09-10T20:43:00.000-04:00

By NELLY FURTADO

[Timbaland:]
Take it back, take it back...

Verse 1-
Everybody look at me, me
I walk in the door you start screaming
Come on everybody what cha here for?
Move your body around like a nympho
Everybody get your necks to crack around
All you crazy people come on jump around
I want to see you all on your knees, knees
You either want to be with me, or be me!

Chorus-
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
make you fall real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
Wish you never ever met her at all!

Verse 2-
And when she walks she walks with passion
when she talks, she talks like she can handle it
when she asks for something boy she means it
even if you never ever see it
everybody get your necks to crack around
all you crazy people come on jump around
you doing anything to keep her by your side
because, she said she love you, love you long time!

Chorus-
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
make you fall real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
Wish you never ever met her at all!

[Chants]

Chorus-
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
make you fall real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
Wish you never ever met her at all!

Outro-
Never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!

Chorus-
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
make you fall real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut some cards
Wish you never ever met her at all!

Quick One

2006-08-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post to say that I am still alive, breathing, and still blogging in another space.

That damned flooder MAY better stop her yakkity-yak on my "shout-out" board or else I will be tracking her down and make her eat her incoherent babbles. Damn! I thought I had bad grammar that girl beat me to it! LOL! ^_^

Stop flooding my tag-board!!!! There should only be one incoherent, illogical, irrational and emotional ranter and raver around here. . .and that's me. So, stop being a dumb-ass whoever you are MAY.

23rd b-day

2006-07-02T00:04:00.000-04:00

Four minutes have passed since the clock striked 12 a.m. I am no longer 22. I am now 23. I am a year older with really nothing to show for.

The past year gave a lot of memories and events that shaped me into who I am today. I learned that I am still capable of loving someone. I have learned that I am truly a non-conformist. I learned that there are always two sides to a story. I learned to think outside of the box. I learned that loneliness can drive a person to do certain things that would seem illogical and ridiculous to others. I learned that there are a lot of inevitable events in our lives. I learned to be firm. I learned that one can never revive a long-dead past. I learned that love is never constant, it is changing and can sometimes be unforgiving. I learned that I am not as bad as I think I am.

A lot of people are saying that this seems to be my year. On what basis does this assumption hold true? It seems like everything in my life is going downhill. I am currently on medication for depression as I have been depressed these past month and a half. I got kicked out of school. I got passed over on my job. My family's falling apart and into pieces. I have stopped talking to Kiddo and lost one of my dearest and closest friends. I am sort of still with Dearest Stranger. I have no real relationship. With all these stuff happening, I am not exactly sure if I would believe the stuff that most of the people I know have been telling me about myself.

What do I expect in the coming year? I really don't know. I just hope that it will be better than the last few years. I just need some sort of respite from all the drama and all the issues and crisis that I have in my life. I just need a little break.

Later on I'll be going out with my family for brunch and would either be spending the day with Marky Boy or Bendy Ele. What a way to start my 23rd year in this world!

Happy Birthday to me.

Back from Hiatus

2006-06-10T11:22:00.000-04:00

It will be two months come tomorrow that I haven't updated in this space. I've been hanging out too long in lj-land that there are now cobwebs in this space.

I just realized that this space has been going on for nearly three years. The past events during the past three years of my life are somehow documented here on way or another. From trivial matters of school work to matters of my heart and also the big transitions I had to go through from moving here in the land famous for it Maple trees, love of hockey and pot. I must say that somehow in some strange I have grown up some way or the other. I never thought that the impact of this would be so huge to the point that right now, I feel like a stranger in my own body and my own mind.

Sadly though, my dormant dis-"ease" and dis-"order" of Bipolarity reared its ugly head. Three weeks ago I started a depressed episode the likes that I have never encountered. For once, my mother suddenly showed concern and dotingness for me. This might have been a respite for me if I had been in a better state, unfortunately, I just feel like I am coddled. Where was the concern and dotingness during my formative years? Maybe if she gavve them to me then, I will be in a much better emotional state at this age. My doctor have upped my medicine and I am taking 1050 mg of lithium right now. If I am still depressed when she sees me next week, I will be put on Prozac and another pill. I am seriously hoping and wishing that sanity really do come in a pill! I hate popping pills everyday. BCP's are hard to remember to take and now I have several others coming my way.

Dearest Stranger and I are still friends but no one really believes us. I don't really feel any attachment to him or whatsoever anymore. I guess my mind's so filled with other shit that I can't really think of Dearest Stranger in that way anymore. Ikaw's back home and we haven't really been talking that often anymore which is good for me and my humungous monstrousity of a phone bill!

Tiredness out of doing nothing is kicking in, ergo, I'm ending this entry.

*****

I am Angel. . . depressed, fucked up and alone!

The affair isn't settled

2006-04-10T12:13:00.000-04:00

Retraction

As per my last blog entry, I said that things between me and Dearest Stranger are gone with the wind. As it turns out, Dearest Stranger really hasn't decided on what he wanted to do with me. I thought and understood that we were over but he called me up three weeks after the little face-to-face conversation that we had. Actually he called the day after we had our conversation but I wasn't able to pick-up his call. I thought that it would be his last call because anyone would assume that the other party wouldn't want to talk to the other under the circumstances that we are in.

I don't know what he wants me to think and feel about our little affair. Tomorrow will mark our 8th month of "togetherness". I don't know why he suddenly changed his mind. It is totally out of his character to do this. I am so confused. I don't know what to think. I never expected another call from him. I really have prepped my self on taking a fullblown emotrip because of that break-up. He told me before that if he breaks up with someone they'll definitely know it and would feel it. From the way I know him, he's the type of person who tend to cut off people from their lives. I don't know why then he still called me.

Did I become that one girl who somehow affected a great change from him? Am I that one girl who is set apart from the others who has come and gone? Or is he keeping me for convenience? Or for ego-trip? or maybe, I finally become something for him?

I don't know. I really don't know. It just frigging confuses me even more. I was a bit fine before. I mean, I wasn't fine with the break-up and all but somehow I had a certainty of what I had with Dearest Stranger. Now, I'm back to where I started before. I'm back to wondering what the hell we are.

I am hoping that my gut feel isn't true. I am hoping that his call yesterday will be his last call to me. But I know deep in my heart that there will be another one.

I am back at it again. Me and Dearest Stranger are back at it again.

*****

I am Angel. . . confused.

The End of the Affair

2006-04-04T01:11:00.000-04:00

Settling of Affair

It's funny how it seems like I have this weird connection with buses after me and Kiddo formally broke up on a bus. Things between me and Dearest Stranger started on a bus and ended in his car. And what's even weirder is that someone on the bus has caught my eye! Geez!

Anyhoo, you read it right! Dearest Stranger and me have officially gone kaput! It was one of those inevitable events in life. Besides, I can never really have him as he is a man of responsibilities.

These past few days I've been doing fine but right now, I suddenly miss him. He suddenly crossed my mind and evoked feelings that I promised myself never to feel. Suddenly, I wish we were in a different circumstance. I wish for more things even though I know that things between us are finally done and over with.

He said that "For now, we're over. I have to settle some things in my life first." Typical male break-up line. He will never settle things in his life. He will never leave her. He will never chose me over them. One thing I'm sure about is he'll forget me or rather he already has forgotten me. I am just one of them many girls who have come and gone in his life.

I would never recommend to anyone to choose the path that is often less travelled. It is so hard being in the situation that I am in. I never thought I'd be hurt this way. I never imagined that I'd miss him so much. I never imagined that I would wish for things I know will never happen.

I am more fucked up now because of this. I have been filling my days with a lot of activities just so I could repress the pain and all the emotions connected to it. But I guess, at some point in time those repressed memories will come out in the open.

I was a fool to think that somehow I will be different. That I will be that one girl who would make an impact on him. That somehow things will be different with me. But it's not. I'm just like everyone of them. I am just a **** and nothing else.

I guess, I am bound to be alone. I am not fated to be loved by anyone because I am not good enough. I am not good enough to be a real girlfriend or a wife to be. And now, I am not even good enough to be someone's mistress.

I know that I will never hear from or see Dearest Stranger again. I know it's probably for the best. I'm thankful though that he came into my life and showed me that I am still capable of caring and investing emotions in someone. He taught me a lot of things. I know that I don't mean anything to you, Dearest Stranger, but I hope you know how much you mean to me. You opened my eyes and my heart to possibilities I turned my back on a long time ago. Thanks Dearest Stranger.

*****

I am Angel. . . crying myself to sleep.

2006-03-21T01:30:00.000-05:00

.[x]. What's Your Dark Quote? .[x]. [Anime Pictures included]

The Lonesome Wolf
You are basically a depressed person, you hate your life and feel that you deserve better. Self-conscious and prejudiced, you have been through one of the hardships of life: Rejection.

Your Quote: "I love sleep...my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake."
Take this quiz!

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Emotions and Dearest Stranger

2006-03-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

EMOTIONS

It's been awhile since my last post nearly a month ago. Not that I have not been blogging at all, it's just that I chose not to post any entry on this blog for some unknown and unforeseen reasons.

Things in my life are getting crazier and crazier as the days go by. Soon enough everything will be too overwhelming for me that I would just find myself waking up in one of the psych wards either here in Ajax or in T.O. I do not like DRAMA but it seems like it loves following me around to the point that some people would even think that I am a DRAMA QUEEN. For the record, I am NOT A DRAMA QUEEN. I am just a struggling nearly 23-year old young lady with major life issues.

So where do I start?

I am still without any significant other to call my OWN. Ex-Boy and I are still playing those silly games that we have been playing around for nearly two years now. Fuck! I am not even sure if we'll ever stop fooling each other and end this craziness. The status quo with Dearest Stranger is still the same. It is still blurry and wozzy as before. He still makes those sporadic calls to me but his plans of seeing me sometime the past two weeks didn't really materialize so I am not quite sure of what we really have. All I know is that I miss him dearly.

School's still fucked up. I am seriously considering taking a leave from University life and taking on a fulltime job for a year or two as my grades have been slipping from all the shit that's happening in my life.

I am still ranking my family as the numero uno DYSFUNCTIONAL familia in the entire universe! My mother still has this deluded thoughts that we are her minions, out to do any little tiny whim she wants and asks us to do. My Dad still is the silenced voice in our house. My Bearded Bro is still milking in the fact that he has a fucking bum leg. My Hip-hop brother is wasting away. And Afro-haired brother is growing up too soon.

I have a nightly cocktail composed of: BCP, Centrum Forte and Lithium downed with a humungous mug of green or lemon tea.

Work is still boring. If I could only find another job that pays as well and gives the flexibility that this job gives me I would switch jobs not just in heartbeat but with a blink of my eyes! I feel like my brain cells are slowly being destroyed by my routine and unchallenging job.

I am, once again, planning on moving out. But this entails having a HUGE amount of dough and so I have to save up.

Emotionally speaking I am not well. I am trying my hardest to be well though. Really hard to do but I am doing all the best I can. No one in my immediate family could know all the pain I have inside me. It's not in our family to talk about matters like these. We are expected to deal with all this shit alone. So I am doing the best that I can.

*****

Dearest Stranger

Here I am waiting your call. I am counting seconds turn into minutes. My heart is in my throat right now. I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you and hope to let you know how much I miss you. I have so many things to tell you. I wish you do call because if not, I might just forget all of these. I might just have to let you go.

*****

I am Angel. . . waiting for Dearest Stranger's call!

For Hip-Hop Brother

2006-02-19T01:34:00.000-05:00

Open Letter to Hip-Hop Brother

Hey Mister,

You suspiciously reek of a perfume that is foreign to my nose. I have known you all your 17 years of living and I have never smelled that kind of perfume on you. You are obviously masking a smell that I only know too well. Mary Jane leaves her smell with you for quite awhile and putting on a strong perfume is the only way you can cover it up.

You go home late nearly early in the morning without any reason at all. You have total disregard for us. You have been blatantly and overtly disrespecting Maderella and Daddy-O. I have spoken to you, time and time again, about the way you have been acting. Haven't you noticed that nearly everyone's given up on you?

My heartaches for you but I am tired of our fights. I am giving up on you too.

All I can do now is just hope and wish that what I think you might possibly be doesn't come true. I am so scared because I see myself in you. I see the defiance in you. I see the anger that I have been suppressing. I see the me before I decided to stop fighting in exchange for a false sense of security. I see in you the person I was before I decided to be this pretentious person I am today. I am so scared of the big possibility that you would go thru the shit I went thru that left me this fucked up. I am so scared that you are spiraling too fast downwards that you are falling into an abyss that you might not be able to get out of. I am so scared that I have set a bad example for you. I am blaming myself for you being the way you are today.

Mister, I miss you. I miss the way we were before. . .before the cold shoulder, before the shouts, before the constant defiant behaviour towards each other. I miss the way we talk. I miss the way we are. I miss you, bro.

I know that the brother I have known before associating himself with the baddies is there trapped inside you. I just have to peel the layers and layers of anger that you have acquired all these years. But, how do I go about doing that? How do I go about finding you when you don't want to be found? How do I go about guiding you when you pretend that you don't need anyone's guidance? How do I help you out?

I miss you bro. Wish you'd know this. I wish you'd open up your eyes to how much we worry and care about you.

I love you.

Ate a.k.a The Goddess

*****

I am Angel. . . also known as The Goddess

Valentine's Day Musings

2006-02-14T09:08:00.000-05:00

No Greetings Please!

Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I will just snarl a sarcastic and pessimistic: "What's happy about it?" reply.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will just make my singleness stand out like a pimple about to burst amidst all these couples.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
It will make me remember Valentines' of a long-dead past.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
I might hurl invectives and scathing peppered cuss words as to why this day came about.
Please don't greet me a Happy Valentine's Day.
Because I am the grinch of this day.

*****

For singles only. . .

A (woman) co-worker of mine tells me: "Will you be my Valentine?"
Me: "I suck being anyone's Valentine. That's why I haven't been anyone's Valentine these past few years."
Co-worker: "That's ok. I just need you to hold my hand while I listen and cry to sad and depressing songs during that day. You know this Valentine's is the first time in 8 years that I've been loveless."
Me: "Well, then, you don't need those songs. Memories are great torture material for Valentine's day and you have 8 years of accumulated memories to look into."

Yep! Memories are great for torturing yourself and for self-deprecation purposes. Those memories that you try your hardest to repress and forget about are the ones that you remember like it just happened a couple of seconds ago. Memories can never be erased once it is imprinted in your head. Retrieving that memory might be a difficulty but that certain piece of information is there somewhere in you.

During V-day, memories of a long-dead past keep surfacing like it just happened yesterday. It makes me long for something I will never again experience with Kiddo. It makes me wish that I wasn't alone. It makes me wish that I didn't have all these memories at all. It makes me wish that GENYL never happened nor existed at all.

*****

This too shall pass. . .

Everything passes.
This too shall pass and soon, it will just be one those days.
But for now, I will be reveling in misery and in memories of a long-dead past.
I will be waiting for a call from Kiddo which I'll never get.
I will be anticipating a call that will never be.
This too shall pass like everything else in my life.
This is just a phase I will outgrow like every event that happened to me these past years.
Everything passes.
My misery, loneliness and heartache will soon pass too. I will outgrow it soon.

*****

I despise Valentine's Day. . .

I despise Valentine's day because I am bitter and heartbroken.
I despise Valentine's day because of all the red I see.
I despise Valentine's day because the prices in all restaurants go up.
I despise Valentine's day because I am just a me.
I despise Valentine's day because I am no one's beloved and Valentine.
I despise Valentine's day. . . it's too fucking commercialized!

*****

I am Angel. . . loathing this day!

I'm Back. . .

2006-02-12T03:12:00.000-05:00

Updates!!!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything for this space.

I have been hanging out way too long in my LJ space that I tend to have forgotten my space here.

Cobwebs and dust have gathered in this space. This entry is a spring cleaning of sorts.

Updates on my life. . .

On that 1 year Contract:

I, unfortunately, did not get it. Ergo, I will be doing the OSAP-trap way for next school year. I would be foregoing summer school in order to save a little bit more for next school year. I am currently in the hunt for another job. I really don't think I could do the Mickey D's way. I am too slow and too "primadonna" for Mickey D according to Bum-legged Brother who was a former manager of Mc Donald's.

On School:

Reading week is next week. I am planning on literally making it a reading week. I have to catch up on a shitload of reading for my psychology classes and catch up on exercises for Calculus. I remember the stuff we're doing in class for Calculus so I am thinking that I might just pass Calculus this time around.

On Blogging:

Haven't been giving my different blog spaces equal attention. I couldn't really think of any excuse for this but I, sometimes, have a hard time writing anything else after an entry for LJ. I will try to write more though giving at least a seemingly equal attention for my different spaces.

On Hewy:

There was one time that Hewy briefly kissed the ground at high-speed. The latch on my laptop bag came undone so that accident. This resulted in Hewy acting weird for a couple of minutes which therefore freaking me out. Had a chat session with an HP technician and she diagnosed that the HD might need to be replaced. Good thing that it was a misdiagnosis because Hewy has been working fine these past few days. ^_^ Hewy bounced back from that accident! Hooray for Hewy! ^_^

On Kiddo:

I am starting to hate him.

Just had a fight with him tonight. I am still fuming about it.

He's a FUCKING GRADE A ASSHOLE!!!!! And I'm a shithead for still being a friend to him.

On Dearest Stranger:

The last time I saw him was January 30th, a Monday. I think I had an entry with some things with regards to what happened that last Monday and that last time we were together.

I still haven't heard from him again. I am afraid that my instincts/premonitions are coming true. I have a feeling that I will never hear from him again. Sometime soon I should stop hoping that he'll call me. Sometime soon, I have to deal with my heart being broken, once again. Sometime soon, I have to get up and move on. But for now, I'll still stay and wait.

On My Health:

Dr. Sharp a.k.a White-coated Racist Bastard gave me the go signal to resume working out. My heart is ok except that it spikes up too high and too fast. I just need to ease up on the running and jogging. I have to be make sure that my heart rate doesn't go overboard when I am working out or I might pass out or have cardiac arrest. He also told me that if ever I experience those near-fainting spells I should make an appointment with him right away so that he could give me further tests.

I'm off lithium for nearly two weeks now. Dr. Weisberg a.k.a Wide-eyed Beauty will be putting me on another treatment sometime next week. She went on a trip two weeks back and hopefully next week we'll be able to see each other. I think I'm dipping once again with all these shit happening in my life.

I maybe fat and healthy-looking but I am not. I have a totally weak body. *sigh* Hopefully going back to the gym will help me out.

So there you go my life in a nutshell! LOL!

******

I am Angel. . . Missing Dearest Stranger!

How much of a stoner are you?

2006-02-09T12:23:00.000-05:00

You are 53% stoner

You are a fairly regular stoner. You are probably the kid who is always smoking up at the back corner of the parking lot of your high school. You like experimenting with other stuff - although you are too clever to really get addicted to anything.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

All I can say is. . . .HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

How about you? How much of a stoner are you? ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . . 53% Stoner!

HAPPY 3rd YEAR BLOG!

2006-02-07T00:49:00.000-05:00

2/06/2003

This was the day my space here in blogspot was conjured.

It has been my home for three years. It has seen many sides of me that not a lot of people are willing to see and would want to see. It has been my breathing space when things just get to rough in this world. It has been my comfort zone.

Three years. . .

I never thought I would still be writing up to now. I thought, I was just getting into some fad that eventually will fade off. But no! I'm still here despite all the people who already stopped blogging and felt that blogging is a thing of the past. I'm still here despite the fact that nearly half of the people on my links list aren't writing anymore. I'm still here despite the fact that my voyeurs are dwindling every month.

Three years. . .

This only proves that my love affair with writing hasn't gone sour but instead, got stronger. This only proves that I will still be writing for many, many years. As long as there is a story to be told or a ranting session that needs to be conjured and released, I will still be writing.

Three years. . .

I expect to still keep this blogspot space as long as they keep it free and the features simple.

Three years. . . and still going strong!!!

*****

I am Angel. . . proud to have kept my blogspot space for three years!

Cold Mondays and Manila Stampede

2006-02-06T13:35:00.000-05:00

Missing the Old Mondays of long-ago

I will miss the Mondays that I saw you.

I will miss seeing you.

I will miss the conversations we have.

I will miss the freezing cold while we share smokes.

I will miss you.

You promised that we will see each other on Sundays. So I guess, Sunday will soon become one of my favorite days. But then again, I have yet to hear from you again.

You, once again, promised that you will give me a call but as this Sunday passed and no call have been received from you.

Is this the glaring proof that our thing is dying its natural death?
Do I need even more proof that we are done and over?

But then again, why did you have to buy a house that is, as you laid it out to me during our last Monday together: "It's a 10 minute ride from your house." Why did you say that we'll see each other on Sundays if you have no intention of seeing me again? Why did you have to say all those things?

Are you really a grade A asshole to still string me along for a ride that we both know would not be going anywhere?

Or maybe, it's me. Maybe I'm just THAT stupid that I still stay even though the facts are already right in front of my face. Maybe it's me because I can not say the words that you've been waiting for all these time. Maybe it's me because I still agreed to be in this thing despite the fact that . . . That you are a man of responsibilities. Maybe it's me because I wanted you to know that you are worthy to be treated the man you are. Maybe it's me, because I still hold on.

I will miss you and our Mondays together.

I am missing you but I really couldn't do anything about it.

I just have to wait until you remember to call me and let me know your new schedule.

I am antsy right now, because if it was still your old shift, I would've been with you right now. I would've been out in the cold with you. We would've been laughing right now or at the very least stupidly grinning at each other.

I miss the Mondays of the not-so-long-ago.

*****

BRRR!!!!

Current Temperature in T.O.: -5 feels like -16
Weather: Light Flurries

What a frigging way to start this new week, eh? Freezing sub-zero temperatures coupled by light snow.

Did I remember that it was going to snow today? NOPE!

Ergo, the possibility of me slipping on hard snow is very great right now. Tsk! Tsk! I should've put on my winter boots. . . ARGHHHH!!!!!

Too many things on my mind lately so I forgot.

Here I am hiding in our library and have been writing these past 2 and 1/2 hours. My lj space is up and running so I've been tinkering with it for quite a bit. Also finally got Butuin's new email address so wrote her a lengthy letter about family and stuff. I also wrote Friendster testimonials for Cheesy Boy and Japanese Acrobat Sister. Hmm. . .yeah, I've been writing quite a bit these past few hours.

I guess this is my defense mechanism for (once again!) bombing a Calculus test and for feeling cold.

I'm so cold that I am wearing my winter jacket while writing this entry. OH YEAH!!!!!!!!

I've soooo much work to do but no energy to do it. I just want to lie down and sleep this day off but I can't afford that. I am no longer in P.I. I have to earn money so I need to go to work. If I am home, I can't just sleep the whole day off because there are so many household chores I have to do. Yes, I have the burden of doing nearly all the chores in the house as I am the girl. Whatever the hell that means!!!!!!

I should be freaking out because two of my research papers will soon be due. Have I started on any of them? NOPE!!!!!

Lethargy has taken hold of me. And the cold is just fueling the laziness that I am feeling. FUCK!!!!

*****

Fave Word of the Day. . .

. . .is FUCK!

Yes, I have a filthy trucker's mouth!

I've been saying and writing this world quite a number of times this day and it's not even the end of the day! FUCK! (There you go!)

I don't know what's up with me but I am feeling soooo. . . BLAH!!!! FUCK!!!!

I've been writing non-stop these past few hours and I just couldn't stop writing. I gues I'm doing this because I don't want to look at the time and realize that this is the first of the many Mondays that I wouldn't be seeing Dearest Stranger.

Do I miss him? Hell yeah! I fucking miss that grade A asshole! Argghhhh!!!

I never thought I would ever say this but I do miss him. . .

But the thing is, I know that I still haven't crossed his mind. Argghhhh!!!!

I fucking miss you Dearest Stranger! I hope and pray that you call me soon. . .

*****

Manila Stampede (KAPAMILYA)

This is sooooo sad!

Photo taken from: ABS-CBNnow!

88 people died in this Manila Stampede which happened February 4th of this year. Apparently thousands of people were in line for a noontime game show that was giving out a prize of 2 Million Pesos (approximately around $35,000 American). Apparently the theatre that the noontime show was being held were only good for 17,000 people but 25,000 showed up for the show. And obviously ABS-CBN was forgot to take into consideration how the crowd will swell up when you dangle 2 Million bucks for anybody to get. Crowd control should've been their top priority and not ratings. Goddamn fucking TV ratings!!!!

Money is really hard to come by back home because it was reported that even though many were injured and a lot died, there are still a lot of people who stayed in the hopes that they get picked for that goddamned show!

I pray that whoever is responsible for this reckless and preventable event should be given the iron-fist. The amount of people who died and got injured in this event deserves to be compensated in any which way by law or thru financial help.

Now, let's see how this will affect the high and mighty ABS-CBN. Your insensitivity sure didn't impress a lot of people. Your fucked up priorities now is glaring like a pimple waiting to be picked on. What was your slogan, again? KAPAMILYA? Is this what you call KAPAMILYA? Is this the way you treat your KAPAMILYA?

What a crappy way of showing your gratitude to those little people who keep your network going and those that treat you as their KAPAMILYA!

*****

I am Angel. . . missing P.I. and Dearest Stranger!

What's in the News?

2006-02-05T00:35:00.000-05:00

Current Affairs

Two things have been popping up in all of the late night news shows and they are: 1) SUPERBOWL FEVER and 2) the outrage of the Muslims by a Danish Newspaper Editorial cartoon.

Superbowl Fever is obviously about American Football and how big a celebration it is for a big percentage of the people in America (including Canada), so I wouldn't really be saying anything about it. Besides, I'm not really a sports fanatic so I really don't care about the Superbowl. I might have to know a couple of things about it though to keep the small talk going with people at work and with Dearest Stranger (that is if and when I still see him!).

The outrage of the Muslims offended by a Danish Newspaper Editorial is accounted for and the Danish Newspaper's answer isn't really satisfactory for me. Yes ,they are doing it on the grounds of freedom of speech but then again, freedom of speech is not really an excuse for journalism insensitivity. It's true that journalism aims to describe the events that are happening in our world and our surroundings, but as I believe that journalists' should practice a little bit of sensitivity when it comes to controversial and sensational matters like religion. If I remember it right, my highschool teacher in my Personality Development Class told us that as evidence of good manners and good breeding is that one should never, ever, ever talk about these three things: 1) Money, 2) Politics and 3) Religion. People would never agree on these three things. I'm not saying that journalists' shouldn't talk about these things but I suggest that they just practice a little bit of sensitivity and moral judgment. Further sensationalizing an issue does not make a positive effect on people.

Not all Muslims are bad people nor are they all intending to "rule" the world. Or are they wanting world domination. Belief perseverance tends to rule people's thinking, therefore, a majority of people tend to just continue on believing things even though there are evidences that proves that their belief is wrong.

I just hope that racism would soon stop. Discrimination does not help anyone. Exclusivity is not what we need right now. What this world needs is to be unified. People should look beyond the skin color, the wrong pronunciation of things, and of different names of them Higher Beings.

Sometimes a little dose of sensitivity will help us all but then again too much of it breeds contempt. Let us all just keep things in moderation.

+++ I am posting the controversial editorial cartoon for people to understand what I'm talking about.

*****

VENTING OUT on about YOU

I hate you!

I really do!

Sometimes I wonder if dearest stranger is worse than you but aat the end of the day it just sums up with you being the worse one.

I hate you!

I hate you!

I really am starting to hate you!

Don't be surprised if and when one day you just stop hearing from me. When all of a sudden I just stop being in your world. It's coming soon kid. It's coming soon.

Right now, I'd rather be with a man like dearest stranger than continue being friends with you. Just being friends with you is killing me all the more, every time we talk. Soon, I'd actually go and kill myself if I continue doing this shit with you.

FUCK YOU!!!!

*****

I am Angel. . . once again, slacking off. . .

Me No Speak Good English

2006-02-03T23:55:00.000-05:00

Me No Speak Good English

The F-O-B in me is, once again, rearing it's ugly head.

This whole day never made a single sense to anyone or to me. I was just blabbering and bantering what-nots the entire day. I would carry conversations with people and then all of a sudden zone out. Even had the "twitch" -- wherein you have a seizure like snapping out of a zone moment. This happened for a couple of minutes while I was out at frontdesk.

The last client I had during my 1 hour and 1/2 stint out at frontdesk was a Chinese guy who is and utterly obviously devoid of english-speaking company as I had to ask him 10 times (every time talking slower than the first) if he had an insurance policy with our company and then had to ask him 5 times to take a seat in one of our booths and wait for the phone to ring for someone to help him out with his policy. I think around the third time I told him that he needed to take a seat and wait for the broker's call, he had a worried look in his face and tells me apologetically that: "ME NO SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH. DO YOU HAVE CHINESE?" Unfortunately, our company doesn't offer Chinese (or any other languages) services.

He was lucky though because the broker who called him up was one of the few nice people at our back-office (people who handles walk-in clients).

In my opinion, our company should really invest a bit of money hiring bilingual analysts specially those who can speak either Mandarin or Cantonese as a big percentage of our clients are Chinese.

As for me, I think I should start buying grammar books or taking up ESL classes as my english is slowly deteriorating as the days go by. . . Or maybe this is just because I have too many things on my mind that it's racing around thereby faltering both my language and thinking abilities. Or maybe too many nights out with Mary Jane! LOL! ^_^

Tsk! Tsk!

Dear Voyeurs, let's all give my inner FOB a big round of applause! You frigging made a lot of people's day today!

*****

1 YEAR CONTRACT

A full-time receptionist 1 year contract position just opened up in our office. As one of the DOCU people is going on Mat. Leave it opened up quite a number of positions in our small department.

I am considering and have applied for this one year contract position and am opting to leave school for a year if they approve my application. This would entail me taking a longer time to graduate but then again, would give me the rest I need from the rigorous and sometimes arduous studying I've been doing the past year and a half. This would also allow me an opportunity to catch up with all the debts I've accumulated these years and also would give me a chance to save up for the next school year just as long as I watch my spending.

Apparently they are seriously considering me for the job but unfortunately they need the position to be filled right away. I gave them an option of me doing a 12 pm-8pm shift week with the exception of Tuesdays wherein I will be working a 4 pm-8pm shift because my last class ends at 2:30pm that day. I'll be doing this kind of shift until the first week of April wherein that would be the last week of school. Hopefully, the management would find a way to give that job to me.

If not, I have to look for a weekend job. A weekend job that would most probably be along the lines of McDonald's or some major fastfood chains. . . which I don't really think I would like to be in but if worse comes to worst I have no choice.

OH WAIT!!! Maybe I could ask Dearest Stranger if there is an opening at the Durham Transit office. . . But then again, I don't think I would want to work with Dearest Stranger. I will most definitely get distracted by him (most specially his piercing eyes!) and wouldn't be able to do or finish any job.

I guess I really have no choice but go do the MickeyD's way. . .

Frigging HELL!!!!

Fudging mismanagement of finances. . .

Once again, I've proven an old Filipino saying: Sa huli ang pagsisisi! (Regret comes after the fact!)

*****

11 days to go. . .

. . . And it's Valentine's day.

I just realized that this will be my second Valentine's day here in Canada. I don't remember what happened the first time I had Valentine's here. All I remember are the many cards I sent to Ikaw when we were still sort of playing good music (actually, while I was being played with!).

I wonder if I'll even remember what might happen this Valentine's Day next year. I wonder if I'll get the traditional stuff that women get during that day: chocolates, strawberries, flowers, champagne and a very romantic dinner. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would even remember to call during that day. I wonder if Dearest Stranger would take me out or even give me single wilted rose. I wonder if I would end up finding comfort in Ikaw's voice at the end of that day.

What is most definite about that day is a meeting with Mary Jane to ease the pain away. What is most definite about that day is I will be reminiscing like crazy. What is most definite about that day is that I will be missing to be with the company of someone. What is most definite about that day is the glaring fact that I will be experiencing what every other woman experiences that day. . . NEGLECT!

*****

I am Angel. . . my inner F-O-B coming out full speed ahead!

A commendation and a Recall

2006-02-03T00:38:00.000-05:00

Merci Bella Chutybaba!

I often say that writing is my first love and that it is that one constant thing in my life. For many years I have thought that all I churn out are crap or "sickeningly failed attempts at literature" as one of my writing guild colleagues used to describe my work.

Having someone say that they were affected by my writing and that I should continue writing because they think I am good means so much to me. Doing something out of love and being commended gives any person the natural high that synthetic or organic drugs attempt to replicate.

Thank you Chutybaba for that vouch of confidence. Thank you for making me feel that maybe I have a chance in writing. Thank you Chutybaba for restoring a long lost faith in my own work.

Merci!

*****

IM's

Here is an MSN conversation I would like to share to you my dearest voyeurs. This is an excerpt from a lengthy IM session that a Goddess exchanged with Lovely Dear Chutybaba.

31/01/2006
12:08:20 AM
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
we should all go out have a coffee or something. . .
Pio...such long days-)...
lol....awwww...i miss you too kiddo!! i know we definitely should!!
Pio...such long days-)...
it's been too long!
Pio...such long days-)...
oh and i wanted to give you a ( hug) cause i read your last blog but i haven't had a chance to reply
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
ohhh. . .yeah? i never thought people actually cared about what i write.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i write crap. LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
no seriously i was in tears
Pio...such long days-)...
i know how you feel and i just didn't have the time and when i did i just couldn't get myself to write cause i would've balled
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
which one are you referring to?
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
is it the one about being alone?

Edited

butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i wish i could say it would get easier but with you knowing me, i'm not really a credible source to say that.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i'm so sorry.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just vent out all your anger and frustration in writing.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
it helps. :D
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i remember that i've written sooo many poems and a short story too because of my many break-ups with my ex-boy.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just let it flow darling. let it flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just put your fingers in the home keys and everything will flow.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
a friend of mine used to say to me: out of the greatest pain and misery of our lives comes the birth of great masterpieces.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
at least, this is one positive side of being heartbroken.
Pio...such long days-)...
thats definitely true
Pio...such long days-)...
i like that saying
Pio...such long days-)...
i guess it's a good lesson but i just wish it didn't hurt as much...you know

EDITED!

butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
just keep writing my dear Pio. write until you fingers bleed and your hands are ink stained. type away your thoughts until there are callouses on your fingers. write because it eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i believe that there is solitude and peace in writing away our pain.
Pio...such long days-)...
it might be horrible but i can sleep better

EDITED!

butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
i know that thoughts are becoming more and more like a vicious cycle, putting it in writing eases the pain.
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
hahaha! now you know why I keep on saying that writing is my first love, eh? LOL!
Pio...such long days-)...
lol
Pio...such long days-)...
cause it's the only thing that'll accept you for you..and love you regardless and doesn't harm you...i know

EDITED

butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
that's why writing sometimes does harm to you. . .
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
but after awhile, that "harm" is turned into a written piece of work again.

EDITED

Pio...such long days-)...
i think you should do writing you seriously are good!!!
butterflyangel {CRAP! Winter term's here to stay!}
LOL! thanks darling but seriously, someone told me I suck. LOL! That's the reason I know that what I write is crap. Apparently I have the vocabulary of an 7th grader.

EDITED

Pio...such long days-)...
lol...you're sweet...but i think sometimes people have no idea the brilliance of their work....i mean you are really good...its a real expression and people are touched.

Thank you once again Chutybaba! You have restored something that I have lost a long-time ago.

*****

Update on Dearest Stranger

Unfortunately my dear Voyeurs, I chickened out the day I was supposed to end things with Dearest Stranger. I was all prepped up for it but I couldn't say anything.

Btw, things just got a tadbit weird. Dearest Stranger bought a house in AJAX!!! Of all the frigging places where he can buy a house, he bought it in the city that I AM LIVING!!! And he casually told me that the house he bought will be a 10 minute car ride from my house!!! Fantastic! NOT!!! And then he added, PANG will only be sleeping there for three days. . .

OH GREAT CRAP!!!! Why did you have to tell me all these things? You knew that I was a bit off that day but you just had to tell me all these stuff, eh? You knew what I was about to do but you chose to ignore it. You knew that we aren't going anywhere but still you keep on stringing me along. You know that you don't feel anything for me, but why?!? why?!? why did you have to tell me all these things?

And the weirdest thing of all, I STILL FUCKING STAY!!!!

****

I am Angel. . .sleepless in Canada!

An attempt to an impossible Feat

2006-01-29T23:56:00.000-05:00

For Dearest Stranger

I wish I could tell you what's going on inside my head.

All weekend, I have been anticipating to hear from you. I have been expecting but my expectations and anticipations comes to no avail. And once again, I am crying.

It's crazy for me to think that we're still something because we never really did become anything. I've pushed myself to you. I have forced myself, again, to someone who is not able to commit himself.

For the past few months you have been showing me signs of neglect, of being unappreciated but I kept holding on thinking that maybe somehow you still needed me in your life and that I am more than a boom-boom. But I guess, I am just like them many ladies that came into your life. I am nothing but a stupid gullible girl who thought that I would somehow influence your life in a nice way. I was foolish to think that I would be more than anything in your life. If I was, you would have had put in more effort and you would have shown a bit of appreciation but no. . . All you showed me was neglect and cold shoulder.

I guess what I am really trying to drive at is that to rid you of the guilt of breaking up with me, I would do it. Tomorrow, I will be breaking up with you. I never imagined that it would hurt this bad. I never imagined that tears would flow freely like this. I never imagined that somehow a part of me would die. I never imagined that I would say this: I think a part of me really do love you.

I have never demanded much of your time. I have never asked you the whys and the how or what we are. I showered you with so much affection but I guess it just went by unnoticed. I never complained that much. But I guess, I wasn't enough. I guess I was still lacking something huh? I will never be good enough for you or for anyone else.

I never thought it would be this hard to break it off. I never thought that I would be this affected. We were never really attached that much. We never really warmed up to each other that much. We had so many boundaries and limitations that we never crossed but why do I still feel this way?

I will be breaking up with you tomorrow. I don't know how to do it but I will need to do it. I hope I'll have the strength to go thru with it.

I have never cut anyone off in my life but this time around I will be doing it. I think this time it will work for you have cut me off yours a long time ago.

Tomorrow, I will be attempting a feat that is near impossibility. I will be doing something that is against my personality. Once again, you've showed me something in me that I never thought I had. I owe a lot to you but I guess having a piece of me and a piece of my heart is more than enough payment for that.

*****

I am Angel. . . crying herself to sleep once again!

Terrible Night

2006-01-29T01:20:00.000-05:00

Being Alone

A lot of things have been going on inside my mind these past few hours. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by my loneliness and thoughts about dearest Stranger and Ikaw.

My soul is crying for me. I have been in the brink of tears these past few hours. I am longing for someone. . . anyone. I suddenly feel so alone.

It has been several years since I had a real relationship. I miss having a companion. I miss having someone of my own. I miss all the complexities one gets with a love relationship.

Best said that I should be thankful that I have dearest Stranger. I don't really think I should be. I don't really get anything from him besides free smokes and a couple of minutes every week. I don't even think he appreciates or sees the little things I do for him. I am starting to believe that maybe he's not that into me. Maybe he really is, as he is a man with responsibilities. I wish he could say that we're done instead of stringing me along. I wish he would just tell me to stop. I wish that for a change he becomes a real man and tells me how things are between us, accept the guilt and help me move on. I wish that I never met him.

Ikaw, on the other hand, is toying with me as usual. How can you deal with an ex telling you that they liked someone so much that they endured not having intimate relations with that person? Knowing this made me feel so little. So unappreciated. I felt so taken for granted. And despite of all these feelings, I still stay.

My heart is bleeding right now but I have no one to blame but myself. I know what I should do with these situations but I chose to dilly dally in making my decision.

I am in so much pain that I can not find words for it. Suffice to say that as I am typing up this entry tears are flowing from my eyes.

I feel so alone and my heart is aching. I feel so invisible. I am smaller than a tiny speck of air. I am worse than a wall flower. I am less than ordinary.

If this was written in paper, this entry would've been splattered with smudges of tearstains and pieces of my broken heart.

It has been two years of pretending that all is well. Now I am suddenly realizing how pretentious I was these past two years. Now I am suddenly realizing how broken I am.

How do one go about fixing a broken self? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you truly live your life with this great pain and anguish inside of you? How do you become used to being in pain. . . to being alone?

People say I should just lift everything to God or to that Higher Being up there. I did that many times in my life but instead of things getting better, everything got worse. I used to be a believer but now I don't know. I have prayed hard and true but nothing have come of it, the storm in my life just got worse.

You think I am ok but I am really not. I have facades for every occasion that I have mastered the art of social deception. I have friends who think they know me but they really don't. I have friends who think they've got me all figured out but they really don't.

They don't know that at nights, I wonder why I feel so alone. They don't know that I wonder why I feel so empty. They don't know that I have stopped believing in God or the Higher Beings. They don't know that I am not alright nor fine at all.

All they see is me making attempts to be cheerful and peachy. Or be a hard-working student. Or be their co-worker.

They don't see the me lying in my bed in the comfort of my room accompanied by hewy. They don't see the tears I shed every night. They don't know how my mind is viciously reminding me of things from a long dead past or that it strays to dearest stranger or that I wonder about why I am all alone and empty. They don't know that during these times I would want to go back to my old habit to ease the pain. They don't know these things.

Tonight is one of my worst nights. Tonight I am crying myself to sleep again. . . That is if sleep would come to me.

*****

I am Angel. . .crying myself to sleep!

Para Sa Iyo

2006-01-26T00:42:00.000-05:00

For Ikaw

I thought that I have flushed you out of my system but it seems like I haven't. My thoughts suddenly touches the past and of the now that we both have. I am suddenly missing you more and more each day.

Technically, I have someone else in my life right now. I both have him and don't have him in my life. It is a complex matter which I still haven't decided on what I should do. And then there's you.

You are a ghost of a long-dead past but I still feel like the past happened just a couple of seconds ago. I suddenly am longing for you again.

I thought I have resolved that I don't feel anything anymore for you. But alas! This is not the case. I guess, in my hearts of heart I am still hoping and praying that somehow we will find our way back to each other.

I miss you. I miss you now more than ever.

I'd like to say that I am praying and hoping that somehow we'll be something that at one point in our lives we planned to be but I know that it is not worth it and that we will never be. I think I still feel the same way about you as I did years ago, despite of all the storms that came our way.

But I have accepted what we are right now. I wish I could say that my heart is not aching or not being torn apart by our pretentious games but if it's the only way I could keep you with in my reach, I'd bear the aches and the pain.

I wish you could feel the way I am feeling. I wish you could fathom how much I still care for you. I wish you would know that I still am very much in love with you.

I miss you. I miss you now more than ever. But, I can't tell you this lest I drive you away again.

I have to keep mum about all these things. Maybe when the right time comes, I will let you know all that I am feeling.

Right now, I am keeping all these hidden in the deepest and darkest crevice of my heart and my mind. I will keep it there locked so that you will not know how and what I feel for now. There I will keep it for me to peruse, ponder and revel in the proof that I am a living, breathing and existing being. My love for you is proof enough that I am a human being.

*****

I am Angel. . . cursing the day Love chose to make GENYL.

Sleepless in Canada Part 2

2006-01-25T05:58:00.000-05:00

Pre-REM thoughts

It's the early morn of this day and the sandman hasn't come my way. I guess he forgot to put me on his list of people to sprinkle his special sleeping sand.

Here I am awaiting sleep with an aching body and feeling nauseated. I have not been feeling well these past couple of days. I need to get some rest but rest is elusive.

Sadness is keeping me company right now. Tears are suddenly coming out of my tear ducts. My thoughts drift to places I have consciously blocked out. I am suddenly starting to questions certain things that I have done and have been doing in my life. This is not the time for this. Rest is what I need.

Would clarity of mind give me the rest I am so desperately seeking? If it is so, how many more sleepless nights would I be enduring so that I could get the rest I need? Clarity of mind doesn't happen overnight, you know.

I wish soon enough, things would slowly unfold themselves to me so that I could see things clearly. Or maybe they've already been unfolded, its just that I choose not to see them.

My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.

AM I FEELING THIS WAY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T DEALT WITH ISSUES I NEED TO DEAL WITH A LONG TIME AGO? ARE MY WORRIES PRESENTING THEMSELVES TO ME AND TO THE WHOLE WORLD PSYCHOSOMATICALLY?

My body needs rest. I need to feel ok.

*****

A Poem for Dearest Stranger

Show me the world
And I recoil in horror

I’ve been up in the clouds
And sheltered I have been

Show me the richness of love
And I run away confused

I have been hurt
And jaded I will always be

I have to open my heart
And let you in

But I fear
My fragile self broken into pieces

I want you
But I can never have you

*****

I am Angel. . . sick as a Dog!

Apathy and Death

2006-01-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

Of Control and Apathy

A lot of things in our lives we try to control and manipulate to our advantage, but most of these thingscan never be controlled nor manipulated by anyone. It is foolish to think that we are in control of ourlives and all that is happening in it. I believe that everything in our lives happen for a reason and not because it is the result of coincidences. There is no such thing as coincidences.
Love and death are two of the things that human beings can never control nor manipulate. Death comes naturally or stems from some sordid ordeal. Love chooses people and not the other way around.

My grandfather had another stroke. I have been searching for any kind of emotion with regards to this event, but it seems like there is none that I would ever feel. Has apathy really eaten my insides? Has all the things that happened before killed any kind of emotion or feeling that I had before?

I wonder, why is it that I feel distant to my grandparents who for the most part of my life raised me up?It doesn't make sense that I have grown cold and estrange to them, but come to think of it, I have never reallywarmed up to them.

I have become the person I never wanted to be, an apathetic individual. I remember clearly one of my highschool teacher imploring us to try not to be eaten by the world and become apathetic individuals. He showed us a picture during Hitler's reign and Germany and the story about that picture. In a jist, he told us that the soldiers during that time was too used to their way of life of killing people that they no longer felt any guilt nor anykind of emotions when they killed people. It seemed like they are so used to their way of life that they have become detached consciously and unconsciously to the things that they've been doing. Have I become unwittingly like these German soldier? Have I become so used to my life and all that it is that I started not to care anymore about things that I should be caring about? Have I let all the bad blood and issues of days gone get to me?

I wonder why I turned like this. I wonder if I ever really opened myself up to anyone. I wonder why I kept surrounding myself with high walls and wouldn't let anyone in anymore.

People say that they know me. That I am one of those predictable people. The truth is I don't think anyone really knows the real me. I always wear masks around people. I always have a facade for all situations. I think, I have never really let them see the real me. Why is this so? I guess, I don't want them to know I have lost control of my life. I don't want them how I don't know why I have lost control of my life. I guess, this is the only way I can manipulate things to my advantage. I guess I put up all these facades to control people what they think of me. But the downside of this is that I never let anyone see the REAL ME.

*****

Awaiting Death

My grandfather is dying. In the two years we've been here, he had two mild strokes. My mom suspects that the Grim Reaper is coming to visit him soon and take him to lands where no breathing human is allowed. He has a simple request: for me to call him. But I can't get myself to call him and see how he is doing for reasons that is unbeknownst to me. Maybe I fear that they wouldn't get the reaction that they are looking for from me. Maybe I fear that I've let them down. It seems that at this point I care but not really. I wonder when death arrives at my grandfather's side, would I finally find that feeling of grief or fear of death?

This is my wake up call. Man is not invincible. Death is inevitable. I am not invincible, but why is it that despite knowing this I still don't care. This should reiterate the cliche that life is short but I don't care.

If my grandfather died, would a part of me die too? Would I grieve like what a lot of people expect from me? Would I mourn like those grandchildren that have special bond with their grandparents? Would I start to care about them or would I continue to feel apathy towards them?

Death is inevitable. Death is coming to my grandfather. Grief and mourning should follow after that. But why am I not grieving and mourning the possibility that he will die soon?

Maybe it will come to me when the death's finality has come.

*****

I am Angel. . . wondering if I've turn into an apathetic individual?

Personal Demons

2006-01-12T10:40:00.000-05:00

Dealing with Demons

Life is once again catching up with me.

All the follies that I've done last year are catching up on me.

It's sad that I've been grappling with some stuff and it's not even near the end of the first month of 2006. If this an indication of what my year will be like I think I might not be able to handle all these stuff. But then again, I've always said this before and end up handling things nicely. So I will be ableto get through all these.

I can't forever run from all these things. I can't forever hide from them. Sometime soon, I need to face all my demons. Maybe this is thatyear that I will be facing a lot of them.

I've closeted myself far too long. I've hidden from all the crap in my life and let them pile up. Now, they're all haunting me. They're hunting me like a a fierce predator hunts down a timid prey.

Come one and come all you Motha-Fuckers! Come and get the Goddess. . .

Try all your goddamn might to bring me down. You will never do anyways.

As ex-Honey said before: I am a survivor.

*****

Update on last Entry

I'm still on that rigid diet. It's my fourth day today.

I've been having withdrawal symptoms but I know that soon enough my body and my mind will get used to this thing.

Drastic changes are needed to be done if you desperately want to reach a goal. I've come to the point of desperation. And when a person is desperate, (s)he will do anything in his/her power to achieve a goal.

The thing is I think I might be getting a bit Obssessive-Compulsive about it though. I don't really know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I have noticedthat being OC about certain things instills in me discipline that I have long forgotten.

I'm still on it. Just hope my willpower wouldn't wane too soon.

******

I am Angel. . .still on a diet!

Weighing in. . .

2006-01-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

RIGID DIET

Today I'll be going back to the rigid calorie-counting and food-deprivation diet that I was on last summer. I hate the way I look in the mirror now. My face is all round, my gut is sticking out, my thighs are horrible and I don't fit into my shirts anymore!

Hopefully, before this month ends my doctors would be giving me the go-go-go signal to go back to working out. My trainer would definitely kick my ass for letting myself go and gaining back (and some more) all the weight I've lost last summer.

But, today, I'll be back to my rigid diet. I weighed myself today and I have 50.5 % body fat which is fucking horrid! 17 % is my goal. The safest amount of weight a person can lose in a week is 1 to 2 lbs. So I'm hoping to lose at least 6 lbs this month.

I'm keeping my fingers cross and I'm hoping that my doctors will give me the go signal to go back to hitting the gym. I'm going to do this. I did it before during the summer and I lost a bit of weight and felt good, that is motivation enough for me. Besides, dearest stranger's been on a diet for nearly two months now, I must keep up with him or else we might lose the tiny thread that binds the two of us.

Weight has been one of the biggest issues of my life. I've been yo-yoing since I started university which was in 2000. Now, I am making a decision to lose that fat and have my ideal weight by the end of this year. I know it sounds like one of those resolutions that people forget after a month or so, but this one is definitely not.

I no longer want to have the feeling of longing or frustration when I go out shopping for clothes. I no longer want to feel inferior to those skinny and tiny people I see everyday. I no longer want to feel low and blue whenever I weigh myself and see how heavy I am. I no longer want to be one of those girls with low self-esteem. I no longer want to be stared at because I am huge. I no longer want to be called “mataba” (fat). I no longer want to be this huge, huge, huge person I am today.

I want to feel great again. I want to do things I could do before I became this big. I want to dance ballet again. I want to run again without panting or my legs hurting because of all the weigh I carry around. I want to go up a flight of stairs without panting so hard or losing my breath. I want to be able to walk around the block without wheezing or my thighs bumping onto one another. I want to feel great and good about myself. I want to experience being in shape. I want to fit into those clothes that I want. I want to fit in and not feel like a square amongst the circles. I want to look awesome and great.

I want to be skinny. I want to know how it feels to be skinny.

Right now, I am disgusted by the way I look. Fat isn't in. It will never be in.

*****

I am Angel. . .on a diet!

A letter and Hello!

2006-01-06T00:12:00.001-05:00

Open Letter to an Old Friend

May the Force be with you. . .
-- Obi Wan Kanobi

My dear, dear old friend

I utter you these words that they may guide you in your search for yourself. You have been confused far too long. The length of time that you have been in the dark (even though you are awash in it) is troubling. My heart aches knowing that you are still immersed in confusions, hopelessness and worthlessness. It breaks my heart to know that after all these years of soul-searching and self-discoveries you still haven’t found out what it is that you’re looking for.

My dearest friend, having a baby is a gift and a privilege from the Higher Beings. We should not enter these things lightly. I know how fond you are of children and how you adore them but having one without fully knowing what you want in life would just ruin that child’s life. It is unfair for that unborn child to bear witness to the struggles that you’ll have in order to find yourself and what you want in and with your life. I beg you to consider long and hard the consequences that might come about if you choose this path.

I will always be here for you. I will always be on your side no matter what. We might not ever be together again but we’ve shared so much that you will always be a big part of my life. I will never stop caring and worrying about you.

I hope and pray that you find enlightenment and that thing that would make you happy.

Lovingly,

Angel

*****

Hello Dearest

I heard from Dearest Stranger. I was surprised that I got a call from him. I thought that everything has gone with the wind. I thought that I will never hear from him again.

Apparently this thing that we both have is not over yet. . . or so it seems to me.

A lot of people are telling me to go take another path with regards to dealing with you. But right now I don't know what I should really do. I am still finding the answer as to which course of action I should take with regards to this thing we have.

A part of me is happy that you've remembered me. It made me feel that somehow even in the itty-bittiest of a way you care for me. It made me feel that somehow maybe we even have something special going on here.

But then. . .

A part of me is disappointed and annoyed. I let myself get into this thing again and would most probably make me feel fucked up a whole lot. I let myself give in to the giddiness of the situation. I let myself be strung along for a ride that is going nother. I let myself feed your ego. I let myself go.

I don't really know what to do right now.

There is the easy way out of this complexity but I chose to take the other direction for reasons that I really could not understand. Am I stuck in this situation forever?

Funny how all of a sudden I remembered you these past two days. Funny how I remembered a lot even though the times we spent were short. Funny how all of a sudden I find myself missing you. . . how I suddenly felt a longing for you.

Funny how I am starting to care even though this thing we have shouldn't really be here.

Funny how you both made me realize a lot of stuff about myself but at the same time made me question a lot of things.

You calling wasn't exactly fun. You just turned my life upside down again!

*****

I am Angel. . . coping with dearest stranger's strangeness.

The Madwoman's break is over!

2006-01-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Back to School

It's the 4th of January and I'm back to school.

Back to the old routine I had before Christmas break begun. Back to waking up in the morning and taking the express bus to York U. Back to hauling my huge ass off my warm bed and forcing myself to get ready for school. Back to the old drawing board.

I'm not really looking forward to going back to school because I have no energy to do schoolwork these past few months.

But you got to do what you have to do.

Just have one thing to say to this winter term: UP YOURS!!!

*****

I'm a Madwoman. . . Literally!

Here I am about to go through some crazy rollercoaster ride. . . AGAIN!

Diagnosis: Bipolar (Manic-Depressive) Disorder.

I wonder why I developed this disorder. Was it because of genetics or because of the environment I grew up with?

I will, once again, be popping pills to keep me afloat from this mediocre-satiric life I have.

My usual escapes aren't helping me out anymore, ergo, causing me to seek the help of a team of doctors. I will be seeing them once or twice a week for a couple of months. I guess my cuckoo-ness is really troublesome.

Funny how this event certifies me and makes me a bonafide CRAZY, even though I was a self-proclaimed wack-o!

*****

I am Angel. . . trying to crawl out of my very deep and abyss like funk.

Bargains, Routine, And a P.S.

2006-01-03T01:10:00.000-05:00

Goodwill Shopping

In search of "best buys" my mom has resorted to shopping in Goodwill stores or the Salvation Army. She mostly buys clothes there and just washes them three or four times before she wears them. I don't really like going to these kind of stores not because I have the money to burn but for sanitary, hygienic and health concerns. You never know where these clothes have come from or who wore them. But I'm not really closing my doors on these kind of stores because sometimes there are jackpots in those piles and piles of what-nots (like the books I got today).

Anyhoo, after discovering that there is a great selection of mostly upper-middle class left-overs of used clothings and what-nots at the Goodwill along Sherbourne and Bloor St., my mom woke me up to ask if I could accompany her and my li'l brother to that place. My family don't really go to Toronto that often even though the trip takes less than hour to take. My family who was used to the city-life back home in P.I. suddenly became small-town people!

As I have mentioned earlier, my family doesn't go to Toronto that often. And if and when they do they always have the car with them.

The members of the roadtrip to Goodwill Sherbourne are: Motherella (my mom), li'l post-Afro-haired Brother (he cut his hair!) and moi. I didn't know that it was the first time my mom ever rode the RT or the subway. My mom hardly took the public transit back home. She always had someone to driver her around or she takes the cab to get to places back home. Anyhoo, it was strange riding in the subway with her and my brother. As they were with a camera-whore, I took pictures of us while in the RT, the subway, and when we were having late lunch. My mom was kinda embarassed about it but I didn't care. I thought I needed to document the event. hahahaha! ~_^

When we got to Goodwill the three of us split up to check out the stuff in there. My brother loves to go to the items where in you have to bid in order to get them. My mom, on the other hand, just goes thru the clothing section and house-items section. Meanwhile, I made a beeline to the books. They had different kinds of books ranging from general interests to fiction. I had a feast going through the different books. The books that they were selling were in surprisingly good condition. Some even doesn't have that spine crease that some people tend to have with their books.

The total damage rang up to around 27 bucks for a nice Christmas-themed cookie jar, my books, a comforter, and a pencil. Not bad considering that if I bought the books alone at Chapters or Indigo, the bill would've rang over a 100 bucks. It was a SWEET deal.

After working up a huge appetite, Motherella, Li'l bro and me went to Swiss Chalet. Swiss Chalet is comparable to Kenny Roger's Resto and Max's Resto from back home. We had an ok service if not for the dirty glass of water (it had smudges of fat around the glass. . .ewww!) and dirty utensils. Food was ok. Li'l Bro didn't really like the food there and that would mean a whole lot. He doesn't turn away food unless it is really THAT bad!

We took the subway and RT again back to McCowan station's parking lot to get our car. I was too tired to go anywhere else so my mom dropped me off at our house and picked up my dad and off they went to Chuckie Cheese where Li'l brother got 850 tickets for all the games that he played.

All-in-all it was a fairly good day.

*****

Back to Normal

Oh No! It's the 3rd of January!

It's back to the old grinding board. Back to the routine. Back to normal.

The holiday hours are over, hence, I will be seeing the gang on a much lesser basis than before. People will be going back to their old work schedules and as we all have different work schedules bonding-times and outings would've to be carefully planned and scheduled.

I dread to come back to the old routine. I dread going back to work. This "vacation" has ended too soon. I need more of time to rest and relax. I dread going back to the old routine.

Tsk! Tsk! I guess, I have to go back to my grin and bear attitude.

Smile and be perky. . . It's a great new day! BAAAAAAAHHHH!!! WHATEVES!!!

*****

P.S.

I will be posting pictures of our roadtrip to Goodwill and of the New Year's event as soon as I get a copy of Microsoft Frontpage. Other pictures will be put up too.

I might be updating my blogskin soon too! So watch out for these stuff!

*****

I am Angel. . . dreading going back to work!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006-01-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

01/01/2006

Here's to the first day of 2006! Toast! Toast! Cheers!

How did you spend the first few hours of your New Year? I spent it laughing with people I am close to in my Tita El's house. Yep! I didn't spend the first few hours of this New Year with my parents and at our place. Z, you finally got your wish that I go out for New Year’s!

I started this entry at my Tita El's house and would prolly end this entry at our house. I didn't ask permission to sleep in my Tita's house and I know that there'll be hell to pay when I get home. Oh, what a way to start a New Year!

We got to my Tita's house around 8 p.m. WE include: WGF (White girlfriend), Bum-leg Bro, Afro-haired angel, Jayho Bro and me. We had dinner at our house before we left for my aunt's place, with my Tatay pestering everyone to eat. After a li'l cleaning up at our place, I changed my clothes and drove over to my aunt's place.

The highlights of the night are the following events that happened (not in chronological order, as right now I am much bothered by Mary Jane's perfume):

1) Poker Champs Night
2) Scene-It Battle of the Sexes
3) Wine-Tasting
4) Taste Bud Burning
5) Late Night Meeting with Mary Jane

Poker Champs Night: Poker marathon with my brothers, WGF, BI Marlo, Cuz Ej with WGF and Bum-leg Bro getting kicked out first. Afro-haired angel just hanged on the side feeling like he's a big boy because he was amidst the playing field of the "Big Men".

Scene-It Battle of the Sexes: Women: 1 loss- 3 wins Men: 3 losses – 1 win. What can I say? Women really is the superior sex!

Wine-Tasting: Found out the way how to drink a bad cheap wine. This beautiful butterflyangel also got in touch with the drunken pornstar in her.

Taste Bud Burning: Taste buds are not exactly burnt but more numbed by too much eating of delicious food courtesy of my aunt.

Late Night Meeting with Mary Jane: The gang decided to meet Mary Jane even though lights are already supposed to be turned off. The meeting was done in sort of like a well-calculated FBI sting operation. Why did the meeting turn out that way? Well, we were meeting Mary Jane in the porch of my Aunt's house. . . Aren't we some crazy biatches, huh?

All in all, the hours were well spent. Hopefully my mom wouldn’t give me too much grieve when I get home tomorrow morning. . .

+ I'll be posting some pictures soon. . .

*****

I am Angel. . . asking Mary Jane where are you?

A Mountain, Girls and the past

2005-12-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

Brokeback Mountain

Saw Brokeback Mountain last night with the gang (me, Abs, E, and Ate K). It's a good movie, even though there are times I could hardly hear what Enid Del Mar (Heath Ledger) was saying and the picture having some weird long pauses (irrelevant scenes). E and Ate K shed a bit of tears at some point. It's something that I would recommend to homophobics and cowboy-wannabes to watch. It will definitely be an eye-opener for them and would probably cause major dissonance on their part. It's a good movie. Watch it when you get the chance.

******

Girls' Night Out

After the movie, we trekked/drove a li'l bit along Progress Ave. to go to Flavours which is this great dessert place. We just chilled for a bit and poured our hearts out with stuff about what's going on inside our heads. I was pretty quiet for the most part because they were talking about relationship stuff, which wasn't really was my concern at that time.

A bunch of topics were tackled last night. As usual, some of the conversations that we had proved my theory that there is no such thing as a monogamous relationship and that polygamy is the way to go. But, of course, it's just me. We also talked about how and why people's lives seem complicated. I think it is because we have such routinary lives that even though there is an easy and right way out; we choose to take the road that would result into more consequences that we have to decide on, therefore, making our lives complex. These complexities and dramas in our lives makes us forget how everything in this world seems like such a routine. People choose to be complex because these breaks us from our cookie-cut roles. People choose to live complex lives because it drives them away from dullness and the possibility living a life of boredom.

We have also tackled about how people seem to be controlling individuals even though we all know that we can not control anything at all. I believe that everyone has this control freak streaks in them and sometimes we just can't help but try to control things. I think the reason why everyone has this issue with control is because of fear. We all fear the unknown and the future, therefore, try as we may we consciously and unconsciously control the present. But the problem with this is that the present is a fleeting moment. It goes away in a blink of an eye that whatever it is we tried controlling a couple of seconds ago would be gone with the wind, therefore, making consequences that we would like to control as well leading to the complexities in life that we try to prevent and not get into. We can not really control anything, we just have to deal with everything that comes our way.

We also tackled the issue of a perfect world. There will never be a perfect world because the word perfect is relative. What my idea of perfect would be different from someone else's notion of perfect. I think there is only two universal thoughts in this world: relativity and change. Moving back to the ideas of a perfect world, me and E, sorta have similar views of the perfect world. Since my mind was opened to the thought that maybe there is such a thing as accepted polygamy but sort of just a repressed kind and never to be talked about thing of our society, it would make our world a li'l bit better if it was more blatantly displayed rather than it feeling like it is a taboo even though everyone is capable of being polygamous. I feel like this world will be a bit better to live in if this happens. Or maybe I'm just saying this because of the situation that I am currently in.

It was a good night highlighted by "philosophical" discussions about accepted polygamy, perfect world, life's complexities and it's inconsistencies. It was a combo of feeling high, miserable and confused with an infusion of madness. Yes, it was a good night of pouring our hearts and sharing our thoughts. It was a good night for our gang.

*****

The Past

Just when you think that life is seemingly ok, the past catches up to you.

People say that we should move forwards and not backwards. But it seems like things are reverting back to their old fucked up way. Frankly, I do not think I could handle another dose of the past. Once is enough. Twice would make me go mad.

I am afraid that I can not be the pillar of strength this time around. I have mentioned before that I would not be able to take another blow like this. But things are going back to how things were in the past. Sad to say, I am not strong enough for this again. Once is enough. Twice would make me go mad.

Is this Karma catching up on me? But then again, these things were happening even before me and dearest stranger crossed paths. Is there such a thing as advance retribution? Wherein Karma gets to you before you do a certain action. I am not strong enough for this again. Once is enough. Twice would make me go mad.

The past is the past. But the present strangely seems like the past. I wish for something else. I don't want this anymore. I am tired of this shit. I will not be able to take another blow like this again. Once is enough. Twice would make me go mad.

*****

I am Angel. . . wishing I had a pensieve!

'Morning Mates!

2005-12-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

Morning Greeting to World

Good morning World! I hope you're well-rested and slept better than me during the night. Insomnia's been kicking in too much that I, once again, slept at 3 in the morning and woke up at 9 today. I will definitely feel the repercussion of this near-sleepless night when I try and "conquer" you later on. That starts as soon as I get out of my warm bed and get ready for work. Which will be happening in a couple of minutes. . .

I hope you'll feel and look better than me today, World. I know you got more stuff to worry about, but, I bet you are not in a funk like me while you try and tackle all these stuff. Ho-hum. . . I'm expecting loads of "You look tired." remarks today. . . Insomnia, why do you keep torturing me lately? Sigh!

*****

Perkiness. . .

What will it do to make me perk up and be happy that it is a new day?

Mary Jane's sitting in her li'l spot and is teasing me but I can not give in to her whims right now. Maybe I'll deal with her later on. Vanilla Bean Latte sounds ok to me but I can't really buy one because I'm economically and financially-challenged (read: POOR!!!) right now and for the next couple of coming months. The weather surely isn't looking bright and perky right now, so I know that it will definitely not help me today. Ho-hum. . .

Writing is keeping a bit perky and happy right now. Maybe I am finally getting my groove back.

I guess, this is one reason for me to perk up and be happy.

Maybe later on today I'll feel it. . .

*****

Hewy and Sammy

While riding the bus yesterday on my way to work, I have thought of names for a few of my favorite things. Some people treat their pets and plants as their little babies. Well, me, I'm a bit of a techie person so I'm treating a few of my favorite gadgets like my little babies. Anyway, I've christened my new laptop as Hewy and my mp3 player as Sammy. Cheesy, huh? ~_^

Welcome to my crazy and nutty world Hewy and Sammy!

*****

I am Angel. . . dreading to start with this day.

Writing, Sleeplessness, and A Saying

2005-12-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

On Writing. . .

Been reacquainting myself with my old love -- writing. I've been trying as much as I could to write anything that comes to my mind these past few days. I just bought a new journal and have been slowly filling some of its pages. I don't know why I've lost touch with the wanna-be writer in me. I have let a lot of things get in the way of writing even though my life is just one big routine. I've always told people that writing is one of the few constant things in my life, but it seems like I am slowly losing touch with the wanna-be writer in me.

I want to write again. Be free once again. But then again, the burden of what to write hinders me from writing again. The topic should be interesting so as not to waste my voyeurs precious time. The length should be just right so as not to hurt the eyes of those who care to read whatever entry I write. I want to write again. I need to write again. I need to breathe once again. I need to be free again. But how do I do just that? Here I am, once again, proving that I am one big irony.

*****

Sleepless in Canada

Insomnia is something that I would never want to wish upon someone even though I am mad as hell at them. I had been having a whole bunch of sleepless and listless nights these past few days. Insomnia is definitely kicking in.

The sleepless nights are taking its toll in me. A whole bunch of people at work just commented that I look tired and shitty. I want to rest my tired and weary body but I guess, the sandman keeps on forgetting to include me in his route during his trips at night. Hopefully tonight he'll come and sprinkle some of his magic sand on me. I need some rest and respite from all these routine. I need some sleep.

*****

A take on a Saying

Someone once said that: "Man is such an insatiable being." But I beg to disagree. I think by his own Man would be satisfied by what he have. Society, on the other hand, pushes everyone to be competitive -- to want more, to have the mentality of wanting things that are bigger and better. If man could only stop the habit of comparing themselves to other people, then maybe they can be satisfied by what they have. Being contented seems to be harder than having contempt. But then again, people say no man's an island. Ho-hum!

*****

I am Angel. . . trying to get reacquainted with an old flame.

Of long-ago Xmases and Dreams

2005-12-27T00:57:00.000-05:00

How was Your Christmas?

Christmas 2005 had a very similar feel of Christmases that was spent working in our family resto back home. Everyone in our family were all tense because my mom was freaking out and blowing her fuse because she didn't get her way and all. My dad was cooking some orders for their catering sideline. This Christmas felt like those many stressful times back home. I wanted to tell them that they shouldn't be doing those things anymore because we're not in the P.I. anymore. But, unfortunately, no one ever really listens to what I have to say.

After the spooky deja vu at home, our family with the gifts and goodies, drove our way to my Aunt's house and spend the entire day there. My Aunt's house is less than ten minutes drive away from our house but, I haven't seen them for like months. People here are so busy and preoccupied with a whole lot of stuff that sometimes, families hardly see each other. It's sad but that's the way life here in Canada.

This is the Christmas that I felt like my age is catching up on me. I had more fun looking at my cousins and my little brother's faces when they received and opened their gifts. I was more excited in getting their reactions rather than on me getting/receiving any gifts. I guess, this is how it feels like to get old.

We had loads of food at my tita's house and there were only four or five families that came to partake all the goodies. All day long we (my cousins and I) were just eating and chilling out. I think I gained nearly 5 lbs. on Christmas day alone! Geez. . .and I have a feeling that we will be doing the exact same thing come New Year's day. Oh my!

There's still hope for me. Maybe I'll soon find the Holiday Cheers before New Year. . .or maybe not.

*****

A Dream Come True

After many years of salivating over different laptops, arguing with my parents on the necessity of a laptop, and after years of wishing for it; I finally got my own laptop. I bought an HP Pavillion DV4207, yesterday Boxing Day at my favorite store Best Buy. (Yup! I am a geek. . .)

Of course, there are trade-offs of having this laptop. I am in so much debt right now that I have to literally watch my spendings these coming months. But I know that purchasing this laptop is one of my wisest and greatest buy. Since I am still in school and I have three brothers with home I have to fight with just to have a slice of time with our old pc, this laptop will surely make things easier for all of us. If one of us is working on an assignment on the family computer and the other needs to email a project or something, then they both can do their stuff at the same time. Less time is wasted then, eh?

Just hope I'd be able to make ends meet. I know I will. Some higher Being always helps me out in tight spots. . . even though, lately it feels like I'm just always in a tight spot. But that's another and very different story.

One of my dreams came true. . .Hopefully, the others will follow soon. . .~_^

*****

I am Angel. . . singing: a dream is a wish your heart makes... Lalalala...

OH BOY! EX-BOY!

2005-12-03T16:23:00.000-05:00

The EX-change

Here's what my ex-boy and I recently exchanged to each other:

Thursday, December 01, 2005
Subject: Hi!
From: Ex-boy

You're a special person, not just for me but for everyone who've gotten to know. I'm just sorry that my minds all messed up and confused, don't know which things to prioritize. Hopefully we could both be happy someday together or apart, i wish you the best.

Take Care Always.
_____

Friday, December 02, 2005 11:09:00 AM
Subject: Re: Hi!
From: ButterflyBrat

Yeah i wish that too. i guess sometimes things just don't work out the way we planned. i guess for the meantime, masakit man sabihin at mahirap kong gawin, i will be giving up on the hope that we might be together someday. as usual, the odds are against us with us being apart and you, being you.

don't tell me that am a special person to you because frankly, i really don't think i ever was one to you. i feel that i am just one of those many phases that you went through in life and the fun stopped somewhere along the road.

i'm so sorry if i've contributed to you being messed up and confused. i never meant for that to happen. you are one of those few people i truly care about and if i knew that i was doing that (messing and confusing you) to you it's just like killing a part of myself. pasensya na sa lahat ng mga nagawa ko before. my insistence was due to the great love i had for you. maybe you're right. it is time to let go. . . let go of you, of our memories, and my love. you know that if there was one thing na i never quitted or gave up on was you but with all these things happening i guess, this is the very first time i would be giving up on you. i am so sorry for hanging on far too long.

i just pray that the next time around you do decide to have a relationship with anyone, you are really ready and prepared for it. stop playing games with people. may mga emotions ang tao and it may be fun to you stringing them along and all but in the end you are ruining someone's life. tandaan mo na even though a girl pretends that she doesn't notice those li'l stuff you do to and for her, it doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate it. so if hindi ka naman seryoso sa isang tao, don't string her a long for a ride na wala naman patutunguhan unless you both made it clear na for fun lang ang meron kayo and nothing more. sometimes, akala mo people don't feel for you. malay-malay mo mahal ka na pala ng binobola mo and you, you can't give yourself kasi you're too messed up and you were just doing that out of sheer moronic fun. just try to be careful next time.

maybe this is the time for us to be really alone and apart. we maybe miles and continents apart but the strings and bonds that tied us together kept us from really leading separate lives. i don't know if ever i'll hear from you again, but i pray that i do. you are still a big part of my life. but if i don't hear from you maybe it is for the better. things always have a reason for happening and this nth time of goodbye and severing ties for the two of us have a reason kahit na hindi ko alam kung ano yun. i am not going to pretend na hindi ako naapektuhan ng lahat ng nangyari at nangyayari sa atin. i am really deeply hurt by the sudden turn of events between the two of us. we've weathered through the roughest storms and still we ended up like this. siguro nga totoo yung hula sa'yo tungkol sa atin.

i will miss you. you are one of the few people who made a great impact on my life. i wish you all the best and more, my dearest sweetie. it has been proven that we live in a small world and i know that there is a possibility that we will meet again, i just hope that when that time comes we both know what we want. thank you for everything.

you take care. gumamit ng proteksyon for boom-boom! ~_^

au revoir!

** I've written everything down verbatim not because I want you, dear reader, to get bored of me but for me to remember all these things that I wrote to him. I just wish that somehow, someday I'll find that one person who is really meant for me.

*****
I am Angel. . . still taking the road often less travelled by many.

Bits and pieces

2005-11-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

Contemplation #1: Monogamy

monogamous men are a dying breed. they are even close to xtinction. wish
i'd find one before they're all gone and taken!

Hmm. . . my rose-colored glasses are still cracked and my bubble is still burst, ergo, here I am wondering if there are still people (anyone!) out there who still practices monogamy? It seems like everyone I know have somehow dabbled with the thought of being with someone else even though they have a "happy and stable" relationship. Or maybe, I am just misinterpreting all the things that they've said because I don't want to feel how alone I am and how single I am. But really, I am wondering if monogamy has ever been practiced in this life or in our society? Or maybe people are just plainly repressed hypocrites that's why it seemed to me before that there is such a thing as monogamy. Tsk! Tsk! I hate knowing what I know now.

*****

Contemplation #2: Of Nonsense and Pansit Entry

I've been rattling my brains out on what to write in this blog. It's been a long while since I've updated any of my blogs. Yes, I keep two blogs. For nearly thirty minutes, I tried writing in my own native tongue but unfortunately, I really suck at it. I don't know why I have the hardest time writing in Filipino. It saddens me that I am slowly losing touch of the "Filipino" in me. But then again, the ability to write in Filipino is not the only thing that makes up a Filipino. There are a lot of things but I really wish that I am able to write in Filipino more often than not. What to write and what not to write? That is the question that's been bugging my mind right now. Fortunately, I have the time to think about these things. I have three hours to kill, therefore, time to write about nonsense. Just to warn you, my dear reader, this entry is nothing but pure unrelated ramblings. If you're the type who have a very short attention span, this one's for you. But if you are looking for an intellectually stimulating sensible read, I suggest you check back this blog another time. Let me start my rambling with the weather here in T.O. Frig! The cold has settled and seems to me that it would be staying for a long while. I've confided to a Filipino friend (who was born here) that I have a feeling that this year's winter isn't going to be one of those pictured in many Christmas songs. Snow is pretty and all but the temperature dipping in sub-zero levels is what I detest. Geez! It's not even frigging winter but it feels like winter. The past few days we've experienced those single digit temperature and apparently the weather would dip even lower in the next coming days. FCUK! ARGH! So, for those people who are wishing to move here in Canada, I suggest in order for you to at least get some sense of the how cold it can get here, buy 3 Industrial Aircons for one tiny room turn it on full blast and then stay in that room. Now, you get a picture of how the temperature can drop here. Winter's pretty with the first snow but after awhile, it gets ugly. Slush (snow that has been on the ground for days. . . it's a combo of wet snow, mud and soft "ice") and the freezing temperatures makes you want to move in the tropics. Fall is pretty too. There're a lot of colors and you can really see the changes in the season but the latter part of fall just boggles you. I think my favorite season is Spring. The pretty colors are coming back, flowers are starting to bloom, the temperature isn't that cold, walking around town is starting to get pleasurable during this time. Summer is just hot and humid but then again, you don't have to wear a lot of clothes during this season so I guess that's a big plus for that season. Moving on to another topic, food. I saw a picture of a platter of sisig at super D's blog. Sisig is one of my many all-time favorite Flip food. There was one time me and my ex-boy where at Kaibigan's (they sell cheap but awesome sisigs there) and he tried to ruin sisig for me. He tried telling me what sisig is made up of. I know it's prolly something icky but it tasted great so I'd rather continue enjoying it than be disgusted by what it is made of. Oh yeah, I still remember loads of stuff with my ex-boy in it but I'm not in the mood right now to talk about those things. Going back to the sisig episode, I was raging mad at Super D that particular day because his picture triggered major cravings in me that I actually went around York U looking for a restaurant/fastfood chain that would offer anything that is remotely similar to sisig. Just my stupid luck, I couldn't find anything that would fill my craving. So until now, I have yet to fill my craving. I've called several Filipino Restaurants but unfortunately they don't make sisig on a daily basis and it's made to order. I just frigging needed one serving to quench my craving! I guess, I just have to wait for the next holiday wherein all my family here would be gathered in one place. I'll ask one of my Tito's to make sisig for their pulutan so I could also fill my hunger. I WANT SISIG!!!!!

*****

Contemplation # 3: Hints

I hate those people who don't say what they need and want to say but instead give out hints. Geez! I'm not a fucking mind reader you know. . .

Just tell me straight whatever shit that you want to say to me, rather than sending out feelers. I can sometimes be extra sensitive to these feelers or just be down-right ignorant to them. I may seem like a weakling to you but just fucking say what you want to say instead of sending out feelers and hints. Just tell me what you want and I'll take actions accordingly. Just don't send me hints and feelers.

*****

I am Angel. . . just tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Eclectic?!? I guess so. . .

2005-10-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

BOOBIES AND BABIES

If there comes a time that women would unite to rule the world, all we have to do is take off our tops and from that time on women will be ruling the world.

I don't know what is it with men that they are so fascinated with women's boobs, as if they don't have them as well. They may not be as prominent as ours maybe but there's really no reason to be THAT FASCINATED with them. . .

Why am I rambling on about boobs right now? Heck! I had some sort of comedy of errors last night that prompted me to ramble and whine and complain and basically, talk very briefly about boobs. What happened last night you say? I'd rather not tell. As I've said to some people who wanted to know every little thing I do: "It's for me to know and for you to never find out!"

Apparently, according to some people, I have an above-average breasts. I beg to disagree but then again, I've had these since puberty so I guess, I'm used to them, my babies. Yes, I call my boobies my babies. Moving on, due to men's fascination with my babies, I've had some conversations with my male friends and sadly, they hardly heard anything I said because they weren't paying any attention to what I was rambling on about but instead, they were engrossed with my babies. This is one of the many disadvantages of having an above-average babies.

Another disadvantage of having big boobies is: finding the right and perfect bra. May, a friend of mine who works at the lingerie department at the Bay, tells me that I've been wearing the wrong size bra all these years. Tsk! tsk! So tonight, she will be measuring me and advising me on what kind of bra I should be buying. . . great! I have my own personal Lingerie consultant! ^_^

Another disadvantage of having big babies is: finding the right top. YEP! I have trouble finding tops aside from finding bras. There are some shirts that I like but due to the size of my babies I would have problems fitting into these shirts. This is one of the reasons I detest shopping. . .

Anyhoo, I am still thankful for them though. I wouldn't alter them in anyway. Some people don't have it or due to that big and dread C, some were removed. At least having big babies, makes me stand out once in awhile. . . ~_^

*****

MOODS AND HIPHOP

There have been researches about songs affecting our moods. It's only now that I believe those many studies. I've been listening to a CD that is a mix of senti and urban music and for awhile I've been kinda moody and stuff, and now that I've switched CD's (Blackeyed Peas) my mood greatly changed. I noticed that as soon as I've popped that CD into my player, I was walking with a bounce and my mood isn't that gloomy anymore. HMMMM. . . but come to think of it, I went out and had an OK time last night so now, I'm not too sure if my mood is really altered by listening to another CD or because of last night. . . .

*****

HELLO!

Yes! I am back from the land of despair and misery. My situation is still the same, but Fuck that! I know that soon, everything will work out as it was supposed to.

Hallu to my voyeurs! Enjoyed my ramblings? Big change from my last one, eh?

*****

I am Angel. . . still treading the path often less travelled.

So what else is new?

2005-09-15T09:05:00.000-04:00

Loneliness and desperation

"sadly, desperation is becoming me. i guess, it is one of the reasons i
stay in this affair i have with ----- "

It is a sad thing when loneliness gets the most part of people. Loneliness and desperation combined makes for a lethal emotional turmoil that would make otherwise rational and strong people; raving lunatics, weak, and distressed individuals. It would have been nice if for just a week we experienced a perfect world; wherein all of us would experience all that we desired for. The world would probably be very chaotic for a week but strangely, I know everything would go back to just like it was before.

Soon, everything would go back to how it was.

*****

August 2005

"Every beginning starts with another beginning's end. . . " (Semisonic: "Closing
Time")

This captures all the intricacies and complexities that I have, unwittingly, gotten myself into. My relationship with my ex-Honey ended in a bus. A new found friendship riddled with intricacies and complexities started on a bus. As the beginning of August 2005 ends, the novelty of an interesting affair started to wane. Thus, begins the realization of what is real.

I am both thankful and regretful that I have met you, Stranger. Our thing is both bitter and sweet. I wish we both had met at a different time with different circumstances, maybe then, our time together would not be as complex as it is now. I have never thought that I would experience to feel anything remotely romantic towards anyone else besides my ex-Honey. I never thought that I would test limits again and take risks like I did before. For these reasons and more, I thank you. Regrettably, I am wishing that I have never met you, too. Maybe if I had not met you my miserable life would carry on without all these complexities that you have brought upon. I wish that I could turn back the time and ignore you all through out the nights that I saw you. I wish that I did not spend those little times with you. I wish you were not a man with big responsibilities.

I know this will hurt. You have warned me time and again about this. I wish Stranger you just did not reciprocate. That you did not let me be. That you would have said something in your crude way that would have prompted me to totally nip it into a bud. But, alas! We have both carried it on and let the emotions and attachments get their roots and grow into a bud. Now, I will once, again, be broken.

I wish I had been pragmatic about us. I should learn to stop catering to my impulses and my emotions. I am no longer a child.

*****

Being Pragmatic on a Forbidden Fruit

I wonder if you would notice my un-ease on our situation.

I wonder if you realize how I am getting more and more attached to you as the days go by.

I wonder if you know how scared I am to feel emotions that I though I would never have again.

I wonder if you feel the regret and guilt that is starting to build in me.

The novelty of our situation is finally wearing off. Our reality is getting clearer to me. The fantasy is about to be over.

It is funny how our vision would not work when our emotions are involved. The truth of the matter is just right in front of our face but we refuse to accept it. Peoople would rather go throught the five long complex stanges of grieving: denial, anger, begging, depression and acceptance than clear their visions and refuse all the un-ease.

I wonder how I would go about telling you tha I can not go through this any longer.

I wonder how you would take it: what would you say and what would you do.

I wonder how do I start all over agian being comfortable the way my life was without all your complexities in it?

I wonder how do I go about refusing and throwing away all that I am starting to feel for you?

****

I am Angel. . . back from my hiatus.

Since I've been away

2005-07-22T12:35:00.000-04:00

Updates

It's been awhile since I've written in this little home I call butterfliesandbrats. I've been away from this blog to fulfill little necessities in life, trying desperately to forget certain events that happened during the past few months. I've celebrated my 22nd year on this earth with a very heavy heart and tears that would not stop coming. I've also made some adjustments to my otherwise excessive lifestyle: cutting back on my expenses, reading more, cutting back on my drinking, trying to eat right, and exercising. I've been working out for almost a month and a half and somehow, it is finally paying off. A lot of people are noticing how I've been dressing up and how I've been losing weight. It's been soooo hot here in T.O. for the past few weeks that clothes that I don't normally wear back home I have been wearing here (i.e. Tank tops and skirts).
I've been living here in Canada for a year and a month now. I think I've adjusted to life pretty well here because if not, I would have gone home and would've not come back here for a little while. I still have the same dead-end job of answering and transferring calls, as I am a receptionist in one of the most established insurance companies here in T.O. I can still pay my bills and I am seemingly self-sufficient despite the fact that I am still living in my parents house. There are a few clashes with my family, with a few times my mom daring me to move out, but all in all everything is still fine on the homefront.

Moving out is still a big issue nowadays in my little circle of friends. Since all of us are earning sufficiently well and often have clashes with our family, most of us are contemplating making good the dares of our parents to move out. But there are a lot of things to consider if and we do move out and right now I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty of things.

I still have the issue of making one of the biggest decisions in my life and I know that soon I have to make that decision. What that would be I still have no clue.

So I guess, these are the updates on my life.

*****

Promises

Here I am Again
Making promises
I know I'll never be able
To keep

I've been contemplating
On things that
Have long been
Decided upon on

I'm falling deep
Into the dark abyss
Succumbing
To what is

I tried
Reaching out to you
To keep you
Within me

But there comes a time
To let go
For us
It has come and gone

I'm curling into
This hole inside of me
The darkness is too much
But I'm letting you go.

*****

Stop

Stop. . . yan ang madalas mong sambiting salita tuwing napapadpad ang usapan natin sa mga isyung sa tingin mo ay masyadong sensitibo para sa ating dalawa.

Para tayong dalawang mananayaw na ngayon ay magkaibang musika ang sinasayawan. Hindi ko na masakyang ang beat ng tugtog mo. Hindi mo na rin masabayan ang beat ng tugtog mo. Hindi mo na rin masabayan ang beat ng sayaw ko. Unti-unti ko ng napagtatanto na habang tumatakbo ang mga araw at panahon tayong dalawa ay palayo ng palayo at pa-iba ng pa-iba ang tinitingnan nating mundo. Unti-unti ko ng nararamdaman na may sarili at kanya-kanya tayong buhay.

Stop. . . siguro nga ay tama ka. Itigil na natin itong kahibangan nating dalawa at i-treasure na laang ang mga alaala na kung saan tayong dalawa ay iisa. Itigil na natin ang mga plano na sinimulan nung tayo ay sumasayaw sa iisang tugtog, hindi na ito maari sapagkat hindi na tayo iisa. Tayo ay may sari-sariling buhay na ang mga pangarap at mundong ginagalawan ay magkaibang-magkaiba na.

Stop. . . eto na talaga ang dapat na pareho nating sinasambit. Stop. . . stop. . . stop. . .

*****
I am Angel. . . barely alive.

Dancing with the boys

2005-06-08T09:05:00.000-04:00

Moneyed Gyration

Among the flickering lights
Amidst the shouts of people
intoxicated and emancipated by alcohol,
I see reality
I see clarity
I see the philosophy of life

Amidst the beat of musing
Among the gyrating bodies
of young well-toned men,
I see their vanity
I see their weakness
I see their source of livelihood

I see the swaying of
rubber band cocks
And the rolls of folded bills,
I see life outside the box.

*****

Strip club Experience

I've never been to a strip club before in my entire life. I mean mentally present during a certain experience but fortunately/unfortunately I was during that weekend after my cousin's birthday sometime last April.

The night started out with a lot of booze and picture-taking at our extremely pretty girlfriend G's pad. There were different kinds of booze in her house courtesy of my cousin, E, and Johann. R and me bought the munchies for that night. It was an extremely dizzy night.

After awhile the booze started kicking in and we piled into two cabs and went to the only strip club (mind you it was a gay one at that) that we knew, Remingtons. I remember that particular night was a ladies night. Remingtons cramped with 90 % men and 10 % women with that not big enough space that most people were just standing with their drinks on one hand and their eyes glued to the show. The show consisted of different well-toned guys at first doing a flirtatious dance and after awhile stripping off all (when I mean all I meant ALL!!!) of their clothes.

After almost half an hour's time watching those well-toned guys do their stuff, our group started buying lap dances for my cousin, E, R, and me. My lap dance was ok even though I think I turned off the guy by saying something stupid. I think I came out as a frigid biatch when he was doing his thing to me. The guy was sweet (of course he should be he was paid to be sweet!) and would willingly give me a free dance but I blew him off with the coldest of cold replies.

We went home after that talking about our night out and comparing notes on our lap dances. All in all we all had a great time.

*****

Angel. . . I am at it again.

mumblings from nowhere

2005-06-07T09:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a long while since I posted anything in this "private" world of mine. A lot of things happened while I was wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt.

I have been to a strip club for a cousin's birthday bash. I'll elaborate more on that on my next entry.

I have been once again, disillusioned and broken by certain things that happened between me and ikaw. Apparently he was not true to his words. I guess, you could never really trust a person like that. I still have to find heart to be cold and apathetic towards him.

I have been enmulched in depression these past days to the point that my depression is suddenly turning into a great big obssession about my losing weight. The tie that would bind this issue is that ikaw's girl is stick thin and voices inside my head tells me I should be one too.

I write, right now, because I feel it is a necessity for me. In order for me to survive, I have to put down in writing whatever nonsense that come my way during this time, if I do something else otherwise, I think I might just head off to the edge of reason and jump into that great big dark abyss and never make an effort to come out of it.

Hopefully soon, I'd have the strength and the state of mind to write something better than this crap that I've just written.

So much for a new month, eh?

Sleepless in Canada

2005-04-04T10:15:00.000-04:00

Where did the Sandman go?

I've been having trouble sleeping these past few days. I don't know why. Well, I actually know why but I decide to ignore it. I'm having trouble sleeping because I've been thinking waaaayyyy too much about a lot of things. I actually slept around 4 am today and woke up around 6 am. It sucks to have insomia specially if you work 4 pm to 8 pm.

I hate it when I get insomia and I've got nothing interesting, other than self-pity, to focus on to while awaiting the Sandman's arrival. Unfortunately, for some of my friends, I have this tendency to be hyper-emotional when I haven't had the right amount of sleep for weeks. So what I did was bother my friends from back home and my childhood bestfriend in California to help me sleep. I was so frigging emotional to the point that I went back again to that intoxicating non-drug that helps me cope with all the shit that I can not get out of my head. Did it help? Well, somehow it did but talking to my friends also helped.

Self-pity is one of the major reasons for suicide and I am so thankful that I've got friends I could bother and who cared enough to listen to all the insanity that I had during those twilight no-doze hours of mine.

*****

I wonder. . .

I wonder if I wrote all the things going on inside my head, would it do me good?
I wonder if I hadn't rushed into things and had not taken Ikaw's promises seriously, what kind of person would I be today?
I wonder if I hadn't involved myself with things I shouldn't have been involved in, would I still be in the same state of mind?
I wonder if I had my way, would I be miserable like I am today?
I wonder if my mom didn't do what she thinks she had to do, would I be grappling in this world with this weird problem-solving skills that I have?
I wonder if I hadn't lived excessively, would I pity myself mercilessly like this?

*****

When it Rains, It Pours

And when I cry, the waterworks doesn't stop for any kind of refilling. People are starting to notice that my eyes have been looking like tears are just about to burst out of them anytime soon. I don't know why I am like this. Maybe Aunt Flow's about to come or maybe because I am having trouble with the ghost of a long-dead past or maybe I am starting to feel a wee-bit burnt out living here in Canada.

I feel like I've been walking around in a carpet of broken glasses. Any random thing could set me off. I could see something, hear something, smell something and memories would just flood my mind and suddenly, everything around me becomes a blurr and the waterworks becomes like a broken dam. I hate feeling this way because the people I love are the ones that are deeply affected by my demeanour. Oh well, if it's just Aunt Flow coming to town I hope she hurries up and does her thing or I might just realize that I've been living in a sea of my tears all these times.

*****

My Own Friendster Testimonial

I live a life full of complexities and ironies. I am laughter and sadness, misery and fulfillness all rolled into one. I have extreme mood swings and extreme penchant for weird things. Some may say I have a strong character, others may view my strength as being a coward. I am single but still attached to a ghost of a long dead past. I have been grieving for the death of innocence, naivety and self-respect.I am a worry-wart with a lot of excess energy that is spent on pondering about the unthinkable. I always go with the phrase: Much ado about nothing. I am a closet selfish, narcissistic deviant person. I sometimes, have trouble conveying my feelings and thoughts. I am fond of giving people second chances, but, just like everything in this world, I have exceptions to that rule. When I am deeply hurt, I may hold grudges as long as I am breathing. I have an excessively mediocre life.

I am both a fighter in its truest sense and a coward. Often, when I fight, I fight with my heart and emotions as my weapon. I am a coward because I would sometimes choose to keep all the anger in me bottled up. I am still trying to learn to be comfortable with the words: uncertainty, unknown and the future. I've been hurt too many times before but still I keep on loving. People say I lose all reasons and logic when I am in love or when I love. A dearest once told me I have a big heart.

I am fascinated with words, letters, butterflies and photography. I am inseparable with my cellphone. I live beyond my means, which I don't advise to everyone. I daydream about what might have been and what could have been. I dream vivid and colorful dreams. People say I am a nurturing person and others say I am a cold hearted biatch but then again, you really couldn't please everybody. I try my best to keep my promises. My friendship are for keeps.

>> If you strip me off all these complexities you would not find a sweet girl but a plain, boring, wallflower girl who would go into the world unnoticed. Some would like to pretend that they would find, in the very least, a sweet being when they are all stripped off all their issues, interactions and problems but the truth of the matter is, if not for these complexities, every single being in this world would just be plain B-O-R-I-N-G!!!!

*****

Why?

I've been hearing questions starting with why these past few months. WHY have you stopped writing? WHY aren't you writing? WHY haven't you been taking pictures? WHY are you acting that way? WHY are you still waiting on ikaw? WHY do you still believe in all of ikaw's broken promises? WHY don't you come back home? WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!

I'm going nuts when people ask me this. The main reason why I've stopped writing, taking photos, talking to people, acting normal, etc is because I am still living and trying to deal with the pains that come with a broken heart. Plain in simple: my broken heart prevails my being, ergo, all the things I used to do and enjoy are suddenly experiencing an indefinite absence in my life. I will try to restore some semblance of normalcy but I hope you will bear with me my dear voyeurs.

*****

FRIENDSTER BLOG

Yes, I got another blog going but I haven't really posted anything in that damned things every since my first post. My friendster blog is called metamorphosis. Here is my initial entry on it:

Old Habits
(Posted March 07, 2005)

Here I am again rekindling the passion and reuniting with my old love. . . writing. It's been a long while since I wrote anything of substance. . . it's been a long while since I last wrote anything.
I've spoken with a good old friend from back home and she somewhat stoked the dying flame in my heart with regards to writing. Writing is one of the few things that is constant in my life but these past few months it seems like life and non-existent things got in the way and my will and my passion to write waned. I even got to the point wherein I even said that I am giving up on my writing. But, here I am again, taking a shot. . . a long shot at writing.

I've gotten into a lot of trouble because of writing but here I am again, back to my old habit. This is one of the many habits I have that is so hard to kick. I once thought that I am a writer and a poet when my rose-colored glasses are still brand new and fixed. But now, that there are a lot of cracks in my glasses, I am having doubts on my ability.

I thought before I could win people's hearts through my writing but it seems like my writing is not even getting through that one person that still matters most to me. I am a failure in many things and I have proven time and time again, how I am a failure in my writing.

How I wish you could read this. I do not know anymore how I could get through to you. The miles are suddenly and slowly making the inevitable come sooner than we both expected. How I wish I could turn back the time and still be the girl looking out the window instead of being the woman that I am today. How I wish that my words could envelope you and give you the warmth you need when the nights are cold and lonely. How I wish that my letters would give you that certainty that I am so desperately wanting to let you know. But I know these are just wishful thinking. I know deep inside how you feel. I know you only too well. I just wish that soon I would and could embrace the facts just like how I am finally embracing my old habit of writing.

*****

I am Angel. . . too involved with myself.

I'm back and I'm mad. . .

2005-02-09T11:47:00.000-05:00

AS THE WORLD TURNS. . . APATHY COMES TO ME

I am back. It has almost been a month since my last entry and a lot of things already happened in the world. A tsunami crippled a couple of countries, FPJ died, Gloria M's ratings are going downhill, Bush is still being an ass, Brad and Jen split up, and a lot more. I had intentions of writing about the tsunami that made first world countries seem suddenly less apathetic to the third world countries different plight but then again, I am a selfish, narcissistic bitch and so would just talk about my life.

My life, in a nutshell, after New Year was just work, school and house chores. I welcomed the New Year with a lethal amount of FREE alcohol in my system courtesy of my cousins and Marlo. I was pissed drunk last New Year with family so the stupid acts are a bit lessened. Food, karaoke, "turotot" are the only remarkable things during New Year. I missed the deafening firecrackers and the warm "Happy New Year" greeting of my neighbours in del Pilar st. back home. I missed watching the different firecrackers show in the sky back home. New Year's here are more subdued and less accidents-prone. New Year's here is just plain and simple boring.

Got an average grade for my Computer Science class and a downhill feeling for my Calculus. I think I'm doing better in my stat class this time around. Still has the same number of friends here at York U. Winter's still here though there are breaks to the subzero temperatures I am slowly getting used too.

Ikaw and me aren't improving. We're slowly deteriorating, thanks to my insane jealousies which I shouldn't have because Ikaw and me are just "you" and "me" and not an "US". I feel like everything's going downhill for Ikaw and me. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, I would just call it quits on this pseudo-relationship that we have.

Been feeling EMPTY these past few days. I've financial freedom but the emptiness just wouldn't go away. I've been thinking of things to fill the emptiness but I still couldn't find any. I have been looking for the feeling of longing for home but it seems like it just isn't there. I think I am turning more and more apathetic as each day goes by. Apathy is slowly eating me.

I remember during my last days in highschool, my world history prof. Mr. Isidro read something about those German soldiers during Hitler's time, war made them apathetic. He warned us that the world might try to turn us into apathetic individuals and that we should try our hardest not too heed to apathy. Sadly, I feel like I am giving into apathy.

The girl with a big heart is suddenly starting not to care anymore. It's a sad thought, right? But under the circumstances that I am and under the uncertainty I am letting myself get into, I have no choice but to choose not to care.

*****

I am Angel. . . so what if the world has gone mad?

Holly. . . holly. . .holiday!

2004-12-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

CHRISTMAS AT CANADA

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. . . ^_^

It was my first ever White Christmas without me in bed resting because of exhaustion or working my ass of at our restaurant. It was my first "normal" Christmas.

Eversince I was a little kid, Christmases are either spent in bed or in our restaurant. There are no exchanges of gifts or unwrapping of gifts for that matter because my parents are too busy attending to our business to take time off to get us some gifts. We would stay in our restaurant with our Christmas clothes with me attending to the never-ending flow of inaanaks who are eagerly waiting for their monetary gifts.

We spent Christmas day at my Aunt's house. There were a lot of good food and a lot of Christmas fun during that day. The house was never quiet that day. A lot of people (friends, relatives, goddaughters and sons) were dropping by at my Aunt's place.

After the party, we just went home and chilled for a while then started doing chores around the house. I guess that's how holidays are spent here: have fun, be in the cloud nine for awhile, then back to reality. Or maybe I'm just saying this because we don't have maids to do our chores for us. . . the perks when you are back home, eh?

*****

CHRISTMAS WISHLIST

I had a Christmas Wishlist last year and I am thinking of making it a tradition. As the fairytale line goes: "A wish is a dream your heart makes. . ." so here are the dreams of my heart:

1) See, spend time and be with YOU again
2) See my friends and
spend time with them
3) Find my true love
4) Peace of mind and
heart
5) Finally move on
6) A temperature in the 20s
7) iPod
8) Laptop
9) Digital SLR
10) Photo Printer and ink
As of the moment these are what my heart desires. I'll add more to them once my heart dreams some more. . .^_^

*****

A CHEERY-O NEW YEAR TO ALL!! ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . .setting up myself for heartbreak. . .again!

Feels like X'mas?!?

2004-12-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

It's beginning to feel like Christmas. . .

. . .NOT!!!!

Yep! A few more days and it's Christmas. I remember last year's Christmas. I gave my heart away again and got it broken, but that's a different story altogether and I would rather not tackle it tonight.

Do you feel like Christmas is already here?

I don't.

Maybe the thrill of Christmas really fades as people grow older or maybe I really don't feel Christmas yet because of all the things that's been happening in my life. Work and doing the household chores have been keeping me pretty busy these days, that I haven't even found time to finish Christmas shopping.

Maybe I'm turning into a pessimistic ass that's why I've been feeling this way for quite awhile now. Hopefully, sometime soon I feel the "spirit" which livens up almost everybody during this time.

*****

Freezer-like Temperatures

Wo-ho! It's a PRETTY COLD day today! Would you believe that the lowest temperature of this day was -8 with a wind chill factor of -14? Yep! And what's worse is that that's not yet COLD for most of the people here. Tsk! Tsk!

Try sticking your head into your freezer and try baring the cold their for like 4 hours. . . That's what I felt while I was on my way to the bus stop this morning. I felt like my ears, nose, and my hands are going to fall of my body without me noticing it. It was so cold that even though I was inside our building already for like an hour or so my hands were still all red!

A -8 degrees C temperature would've been fine by me but with the wind chill, it felt like it was -30! And oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it snowed last night too. So while I was experiencing the COLD outside, I was also carefully walking to the bus stop because of the snow. Snow's nice when it just fell from the sky but if it's been there for like a couple of hours. . .that's a totally different story!

My mom had a mistake of leaving her bottled water in our van when she went to work a couple of days ago. When she came back from work, her water was no longer water but ice! My little kid brother kept cajoling my parents to turn off our fridge and put our food outside, specially when it's snowing! hahahaha!

Anyways, it's pretty cold here and I have to learn how to stick it out because as my mom would tell us: We are already living here!

*****

To YOU

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
And the very next month
You gave it away
This year
I'm still the stupid ol' me
I'm still giving you my heart
And preparing for the tears. . .

I ask you want you wanted for this Christmas and you asked for the same thing that you have been asking for the last three years and. . .that's me. You never lost me. You had me and still have me. I am the one wishing to Santa that for this Christmas and for all the Christmases to follow I'll have you, but I guess I will never have you. I think I've lost you long before I knew you.

I wish I could give my heart to someone else, to someone that most people would want for me but how can I do that when my heart comes with a property tag and your name is written in bold letters on it? How can I give my heart away when you bolted it, locked it and hid the key to it? How can I give my heart away when it still clearly calls your name?

*****

I am Angel. . . a miserable fool.

Is there any difference?

2004-12-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

Question for the day:

What is the difference between sex/fucking and making-love?

A friend told me that: Sex/fucking is something you do just so you could reach orgasmic bliss while making-love is thinking about how to pleasure your partner and making your partner reach orgasmic bliss so that he/she would not look for anybody else.

I think, there really is not much of a difference for the two of those things. I am still finding out reasons as to why there are no differences between those two. . .

*****

I am Angel. . .pondering on a lot of stuff

Thank You Misery

2004-11-29T13:13:00.000-05:00

PRODUCTS OF MISERY

These are products of misery: my misery. I lay them down in front of you, not for you to call your own but for you to appreciate. If you do like them and would want to copy it to your own blogs please put my name on it (Angel a.k.a Carla Angela) on it because I own them. There are born out of my misery and my great heartache. Thank you very much!

MAG-ISA

Lalong lumalamig ang aking mundo
Habang pilit kitang kinakalimutan
Mas gusto ko pang malango sa alak
Upang hindi ko maramdaman
Ang lungkot, pait at sakit ng damdamin
Mas gusto ko pang matulog na lamang
At hindi na muling magising sa
Estado kong mag-isa. . .nag-iisa
Mas gusto ko pang hindi malaman na
Ang puso ko ay pumipintig
Ngunit akin itong nararamdaman
Pinanariwa ang hirap at sakit ng
Pagkabigo at Paglimoto
Ayoko ng makaramdam ng kahit na ano,
Dahil ako ay nag-iisa na talaga.

For YOU: Lost Soul

From my perspective
You are a hopeless case
Who's lost forever
In the abyss called confusion
Blinded by your misery
The Divine flew away
And never looked back
on You
No matter how you
look for it
Searching places that
the Divine never goes to
You will never have her again
You are nothing but
A hopeless case
A lost soul
Wandering
Your soon to be barren earth.

*****

I THANK YOU

You know who you are. We are miles apart and only a sucky mobile connection puts us two together, thank you for still being there for me. Who knows what crazy thing I would've done these past days if not for you. Thank you for comforting me and for the wise words you always imparted whenever we talk. Thank you for those Higher Beings for allowing for us to meet and be friends. You don't know how much it meant to me for you to listen to me while I cry, curse, complain, and whine about how misery seeped into my being. I know that you have better things to do with your time but you still waited for my call even though the sandman already visited you and sprinkled a little of the his sand on your head. Thank you for all the little things you did for me. Even though I don't say it often, Thank you so much and all the things you did would always be appreciated. Thank you for my superhero. Thanks super D for everything.

*****

I am Angel. . . still miserable.

Snow is misery's company

2004-11-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

IT SNOWED YESTERDAY

. . . and the cold started settling down in my being. Yes, this is a sad, dramatic entry full of holes that only the closest of my closests friends can fill the gap and understand it. I have once again, dug a hole so deep that its dark surrounding has finally gotten to me. I couldn't see the light that was supposed to warm me and give me that one thing that I have asked and prayed for all my life. Mistrust in all of the things I used to believe in suddenly ruled me. All this time while I was digging my hole, I didn't stop to think but let my heart do all the "thinking". Stupid of me to do that. Almost sevent-five percent of the cheesy, break-up songs tells people to never follow their heart but I still did. Yeah, yeah, I am such a whiner and a complainer.

What do you do when you got no one else to blame yourself for being in the rut that you are in? Me, I blame myself to high heavens, curse a lot and cry a lot, lose the little faith I had and further my phone bill by calling Messenger: Dan. Yes, he is one of the few people who could comfort me during the times when in my mind all else have failed and would never be alright. He is one of the voices which my stubborn head heeds to. He is one of the voices of reason I listen to.

It's hard to be in some sort of crisis when your support group are thousands and thousands of miles away. It's hard to be all alone to deal with all this great pain inside of you and go on with your daily life. It's hard to be all alone.

*****

ONE MONTH

In a month's time a lot of things could happen. A giant meteor could crash into earth and blow it up to minute pieces, an epidemic could threaten to extinguish mankind, people could all fall in love and then break their hearts after sometime, every person in this world who prides himself sane would suddenly become insane and the insane would be the sane, and other horrible events.A month's time is what I have. I am just on my second day and it seems like the urge or the impulse is greater than my willpower. I have to prove to myself I could do this because it was me who asked for it. I have to prove to myself that I am a mature enough person.

A month's time and a couple of thousand miles away is what we both have. I know that there would be great irreversible consequences doing what I did and I am praying that it would be all for the best. 30 days seems like a million years for now but I know that this is what I need for the meantime.

This is what I get for thinking too much. This is what I get for being impatient.

All my life I have prayed for one thing. Even though when I was still a child, it is the only thing I prayed for. I did not ask for toys, vacations, new clothes or what have you but just that one thing. Fast forward 21 years later, it is still the same thing I am praying for. My impatience has caused me great heartache. I thought I had the answer already but right now, it's really so unclear.

A wise man told me that the problems we encounter is a "gentle" nudge for us to wake up and feel the presence of Some Higher Beings and that if everyone was contented we would all have written these Beings off our lives. I remember these Beings but still they have not listened to me. They choose to torture me and it seems to me they are deriving pleasure from the mere fact that I am hurting and in pain.

21 years of yearning, searching, praying culminated into this miserable person always unveiling her vulnerability and fragility to anyone who would look her way. Yes, I am a miserable person.

*****

I am Angel. . . alone and miserable.

In My Absence

2004-11-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

In My Absence

. . . the blogging world still grew in numbers, some people still stole articles/entries to put in their blogs, some people stopped writing and some very handful of people awaited my return.

My life has been hectic and erratic and topsy turvy as the Fall term is about to end. Halloween just passed us by and soon, snow will fall and the gift-giving month would come. I have been alienating myself from this blog for sometime, for reasons I would rather not elaborate on. I still write but finding free time to write is the hard part. Everything I have to do is to be on a schedule, on a list. Though half of the time I am not able to finish the list I made, I still have to do it. I guess, I do the list because of habit.

I've been doing some personal reading. I'm reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell by Susanna Clarke. It is somewhat the politics/history of magic. It's a very thick book and so I haven't been able to finish it though I got it a few weeks before Halloween. Recently, I have been reading on Co-Dependency. Why such a topic? Well, I am trying to make some sense in some of the events that happened to my life. I guess, I am heeding some of the people who kept on telling me to "psychoanalyze" myself. Funny, how I hear Sir J's voice in my head, specially when I read about how FEAR is the primary emotion. FEAR is what fuels us in our lives. Tsk! Tsk! Some of you my dear readers, would probably give me the cat-eye and then smirk on how sweeping my statement was. But try to think about it? FEAR really is the primary emotion in our lives.

I also bought myself a CD-Player. The i-pod I've been dreaming of have to still be a dream because I still have a lot of bills to pay up. I also enrolled to a gym but haven't really found time to go to it since I joined two weeks ago. Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to go. I have mastered doing the household chores except cooking. I still have this FEAR of hot oil touching my skin.

Winter's almost here. The highest temperature here the past week was 10 degrees Celcius and the lowest was. . .oh! nevermind that! It's always somewhere in the negatives. I have to bundle up whenever I had to go out.

As people say: "The world doesn't stop because you're heartbroken. . ." in my case, the world doesn't stop just because you feel freezing cold!

*****
I am Angel. . .and I am back!

Halloween and No Love

2004-10-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

Something stupid

Everything's great in your life except one tiny thing: your heart is smashed into little pieces all over again. What do you do about it? How do you go about putting the little pieces of your heart together?

What I do is do all the household chores, torture myself with songs that were meant to warm my heart, work until I get a constant ringing in my right ear and generally, be mean to people. Funny that writing seems to avoid me to.

I would like to elaborate more on this topic but then again, there's no point to it. Stupidity gripped me and stupidity is still ruling me. I am now regretting that day I went to my first ball. I am regretting why I ever went with an escort to my damned graduation ball for highschool. Regret and heartbreak is such a lethal combination and it's slowly wearing me down as each day goes on. My chest always have a feeling of being crushed by a million tons of tears and repressed emotions. Hopefully soon, everything as in literally everything would go ok in my life.

*****

Greatest Love

People have somebody whom they call their greatest love. I had an experience with regards to it. I think I found my greatest love but then again, it also became the worst part of my life.

People say the person you love most is the person who would eventually hurt you the deepest. I guess, this is what happened to me. Up until now, the hurt from a long-dead past is still throbbing in my chest. Up until now, even though in a different country with lots of opportunities to find another, my heart still calls only one name. Up until now, I still have this stupid dream in my head.

This is what I realize with all the things that happened to me: PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE THEMSELVES THEIR GREATEST LOVE. If you love and respect yourself you would know when to stop the mediocre affair that you are in. Unfortunately for me, despite me realizing this, HE is still my greatest love.

*****

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Tomorrow's the BIG DAY for everyone here in Canada. It's the most celebrated holiday wherein almost all people here become kids again. There is something about dressing up that appeals to almost all ages. There is something about the mystery of Halloween that pokes each person's brain. There is something about Halloween that makes everyone ga-ga over it.

At work, Halloween was a two-day celebration. The first day kicked off with some potluck lunch and little games of chances and SOME people were dressed up for it and some (like moi!)just donned their "REGULAR CASUAL ATTIRES". My officemate Amanda a.k.a Minky was a lucky girl. She won two prizes in the games. And she shared the biggest of the prizes with us receptionist. ^_^ Nice, ei?

The second day started with throngs of people in different costumes: some funny, som scary and some really outstanding. I was one of the few people who didn't dress up for the occasion. Why? Well, I don't want to be stared an while on the bus or the train on my way to work. Besides I also had school that day. Anyway, the managers went to their different departments and judged who had the most scariest cubicle design and they also judged the costumes of their staff.

It's my first halloween. Never experienced it back home because it's really not that celebrated except for the bars (booze! booze!) and the clubs (all the dancing and ehem. . . gorgeous men!) who put up parties for it. I still don't have a costume for tomorrow night so I might go out later to check-out stores and hopefully have a costume in time for trick-or-treat. I know I'm 21 but here, I could pass off as a 16 years old. ^_^ I'll post some pictures from tomorrow one of these days.

*****

I am Angel. . . wishing everyone a happy halloween! ^_^

For My Friends' Back Home

2004-10-09T17:15:00.002-04:00

For my Friends' Pleasure

This was taken a couple of weeks back during our company's party. I didn't want to post it here for the reason that I extremely look H-U-G-E here which I am not. I look like a helluva a WHALE here but because my friends' wanted some pictures for them to make fun of me back home, I posted some. ^_^ The people here are: (left) Daniel, me, Ate Kaye (my cousin), Naleem, and a person I don't know, (right) Ate Monina, Tarah, Abbey, and Salina.

This was taken more recently. I think this was taken last September 27th when I had dinner with the relatives of one of the most important people in my life. It was a great lunch and had fun with the kids. The people here were: Uncle Temmy, Karen and Kevin and of course, the beautiful me. ^_^

****

An Open Letter to the Graduates

My dearest, dearest Friends,

Hello there! Another chapter of your lives have now closed, giving way to another phase in your lives.

Graduation is such a sweet word, a culmination of years and years of hard work, sleepless nights, tears and brain cells being frayed! Graduation marks the end of your college years and the beginning of another phase in your life: joining the workforce. A lot of people compromise what they love and live for in exchange for the big bucks and I hope and pray that this would not happen to you. You guys have a lot of heart.

Psychology not only comes from the logic and rationalizations (not to mentioned the structured interviews. ..) but also from the heart. One has to LOVE and LIVE psychology before they can practice it and help out people. I believe that through out the years, we have all learned to love and live psychology, ergo, our insatiable thirst to reach out and help people. Please do not lose the heart. Do not lose sight of what is really important: Helping out other people. We are not psychologists because we want to get rich and eventually become apathetic. I believe that we are psychologists because we are sensitive enough to help out people in need regardless of the hardships that it will put us through. We are psychologists because we want to make this world a better place.

I am so sorry that I am not there to witness one of the most memorable days in your lives but know that I am always praying for you and I am always here cheering you all on. I wish you all the luck in the world. And hopefully, you will find jobs that you would all enjoy and that all your talents would be put into good use. Good luck and congratulations, my dears! I am celebrating this day with you in spirit. . . ^_^

Au Revoir!

> Angel <

*****

I am Angel. . . cheering my friends on!

Dreaming of death

2004-10-03T18:01:00.000-04:00

I DREAM OF DEATH

What do you do when you dream and you dreamt that you died?!?

Well, me, I texted someone said something to the effect of: I just woke up from a dream. In my dream you were there with these people and well, in the end, I died. But we saw each other.

And comes the analysis part. The other person sent a text message to the effect of: well, dreams are in reverse right? i'll die and you will all live happily. To which I replied: No, you represent _______ and my dying might me a part of me dying or already died. And you know what, I think it is true. I think that a part of me is really dying. What part? That I have to figure out.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that a part of me is dying. But hopefully, its not the part that me and my text partner were thinking about because if it is so, I wouldn't know how to break it to him. I wouldn't know how to tell him that the part so fond of him is the one dying. I wouldn't know how to break someone's heart without meaning to. Specially, I don't know how to break his heart.

*****

Speaking of dreaming of deaths, about a month back is when everything started. At first it was my grannymom's death that I dreamt about, and then some random person, and then my own death. I don't know why I have been dreaming of death. Psychologically speaking, dreams should some kind of subconsciously working out repressed issues in me. People say I have some weird sense of things and hopefully, this is not it that's happening. I used to say I wanted to die young but having discovered and realized that there are a lot of things in this life that I still want to explore and experience, I do not want to yet.

I am afraid of death. Some people are not but I am.

****

I am Angel. . . figuring out which part of me is dying.

Man's Feared Animal

2004-10-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

MAN'S FEARED ANIMAL: GROWN WOMAN

It's only now when my shroud of grieving have lifted that I finally made some sense of things in my life. I have really grown into one of man's feared animal -- grown woman.

It pains me to know that I have grown miles and miles apart from the one person I thought knew me inside and out. It pains me to realize that our differences are now glowing and glaring at our faces that it gives me an unsettling and unnerving feeling. A lot of promises were made and broken, and now, a couple more of them are being uttered carelessly but now that I have seen something that he has not yet seen I would just play along with this charade pretending to be the person that he has pictured or envisioned in his mind all these years. I believe in constancy and I also believe in change. I have seen the great change in my life these past few months. This great change started when I got acquianted and eventually got so close to heartache. That was almost two years ago and now, I have evolved into something that I even don't believe I would evolve into-- a grown woman.

My Japanese Sister once testified that: "Lycanthropy is a man’s ability to transform into an animal is a common belief, although what the animal is depends upon which is the most powerful and feared animal in a particular locality." (Alvarez, 1995, p. 96) To paraphrase Julia Alvarez, Angel has transformed into an animal, and she transformed into the most feared, powerful and lonesome animal in this territory - a grown woman. And what a beautiful, smart, wonderful and strong woman she has grown to be. At first I didn't believe her but after all these time she was right. I was forced to grow up. Heartbreak and heartache forced me to grow up. And I have grown up and still growing up.

I see how I have changed, evolved and transformed and sometimes, I myself is scared with the fact that I have grown up. I know that I am scaring him because there are moments that the "new" me brings about a dissonance in his thoughts with regards to me. I often tell people that I am a person that keeps my promises and I believe that this is one of the reasons I believe in constancy. This for me is one of the proofs of my own constancy. Constancy for me is a lot of things and I will talk about that in one of my entries. Bottomline is I have grown and he should be scared because I have evolved into something that he thought I would never come to be: a grown woman. For him and some people, I will always be a baby but in truth, I have grown into something that they never thought I would grow up into.

*****

MY ABSENCE

Why did I stop writing for such a long time?

Answer 1) Had to battle three brothers plus my mom in using the computer
2) Comes home late from work and too tired to write
3) For a time, I lost the confidence to write.

The third answer is the most important answer to the above-mentioned question. Yes, the story-teller lost confidence in her will to tell stories. I have lost the will to write for awhile. I have lost the confidence that I can string up words to make a worthy enough entry to read.

Ideas for stories or entries are abound me. The characters I see on my way to work, the street I live in, the people I talk to over the phone each day for work, how my hip-hop brother suddenly found a liking to writing and poetry, or I could talk about how I finally gave in to shaving my legs because it is the WAY here, or. . . or. . .or. . There are a lot of ideas for stories, poetries, entries but the will was suddenly not there for sometime.

I don't know what made me stop writing for awhile. Maybe I am still reeling from the new life I have: work, school and house chores. Maybe, I read a blog or an entry that sparked the inferiority complex hidden inside of me and lost confidence in my own writing. Maybe, I got pretty occupied by something that a few months or years from now I would be desperately trying to forget or would be joyously looking back at. Maybe. . . maybe. . . maybe. . . There were a lot of plausible reasons why I stopped but here I am again, writing.

A lot of times on the bus or on the train, this thought always crosses my mind: "why do I write?" Do I write because I have something worthy to say? Or do I write because of pride. . . because I have something to show-off that I think the world ought to know? Do I write because I have an audience in my mind or because I want someone to read whatever what-not I babble about? But I guess, at this moment, the reason I write does not really matter. Because at this moment, my passion for writing encompasses all reasons: rational and irrational. Love for writing is what drives me to write tonight.

*****

I am Angel. . . still believes in L O V E. ^_^

Are you In Or OUT?

2004-09-09T11:10:00.000-04:00

Are You In or OUT?

I'm out. . . as in very out of place. Yesterday was my first day as a York student. The HUGE campus is overwhelming enough for new students but the most unnerving thing of all is the "fashion" show that happened everytime you walk around campus. The Green Archers' fashionista would definitely pale with the York fashionistas that I saw around campus. You would never think that this ladies that walked around are mere 18 or 19 year olds and not to mentions students. It seems like they were in a fashion show in Paris rather than a university. I saw those flimsy ponchos, off-shoulder dresses, "extra" micro minis, and [drum roll please. . .] . . . stillettos! Yeah dear voyuers you read it right! Stilletos!

I know you're wondering how the hell these fashionista ever gets to their classes right? I am also wondering about that. Our campus is bigger than UP but there are still some brave [read: crazy] souls who would walk or rather prance around in stilletos going to classes and attending classes. Sheesh! I pity their poor feet!

*****

I am Angel. . . a York Student!

Stress and anti-stress

2004-09-07T11:34:00.000-04:00

The Day Before School Starts

. . . is dreary. The clouds aren't white but have a muggy color. It's drizzling and somehow in some strange way, the skies are crying out.

The weather today is a bit depressing. You'd never think that its the first day of school for some kids.

*****

Discovering Michael Buble

Yeah you read it right. I am discovering Michael Buble lately. Been downloading and listening to his songs. I know that there was once a time in Manila that Michael Buble was the next hot thing but, as usual, the uniqueness in me didn't give in to the "fad". But now that I've discovered the soothing smooth voice of his, I am hooked as in almost every other girl during the time that there was a Michael Buble fever back home. He has a relaxing voice that seems to just drain all the worries and stress that I've been lugging around for days now. The next time I have enough money I'll prolly buy a cd-player or an mp3 player so I could bring Michael Buble anywhere I go. ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . . listening to Michael Buble crooning "How Can you Mend a Brokenhear?"

NO TAGALOG PLS. . .

2004-09-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

Reaction

'English-only' set in Manila

Starting this month, PLM's 10,000 students would have to speak in English in designated "English Zones" and at given English-speaking hours.
So called "Free Zones," where students may speak in any language they wish, have also been designated.
"We would like to create an environment where if you speak in Filipino in English Zones, you will not get an answer," PLM president Benjamin Tayabas told the Inquirer.
The creation of the "speaking zones" are stated in Pamantasan administrative order No. 15-2004, which lays down PLM's English Proficiency Program.
Updated 09:25pm (Mla time) Sept 01, 2004 By Tarra QuismundoInquirer News Service

I am posting my reaction, verbatim, to this stupidity that the Pokemon administration approved. I couldn't believe how they would do such thing. Preferring some foreign language over our native tongue which took a long-time to become and now, it seems like it's slowly fading starting from it's edges. I am deeply sadden by this news.

Nakakalungkot na ipinagtutulukan ng ating mga tinatawag na "edukado" at "akademisyans" ang pagsasalita ng mga mag-aaral sa wikang banyaga. Hindi ko mapagtanto kung bakit kinakailangan ito. Ang matuto ng magsalita at magsulat sa Pilipino ay isa sa mga dapat ipagmalaki ng bawat Filipino. Ang pagsasalita at pagsusulat sa ating sariling wika sa aking palagay ay isa sa mga makakapagbuklod sa isang bansang naghihingalo at nawawalan na ng pag-asang makilala ang tunay na sarili. Ang pagtulak sa English-only zones ay isang bagay na maari nating purihin at ikondena. Purihin dahil sa tayo ay maiintindihan ng mga banyaga at ikondena dahil sa ito ay nakakapag-"alienate" sa ating sariling bansa.

Observations

2004-08-31T23:50:00.000-04:00

Subways and Buses

I've been riding to and from work by subways and buses. I wouldn't venture into the subway lines and the buses I ride home but more on the quirkiness of the people who ride in these things. According to one of my professors back home, what makes a psychologist a good psychologist is his/her ability to observe and most of the time "meddle" with the environment that (s)he is living in. Riding the subways and the buses reminds me of the times I ride the jeep going to and from La Salle. You see people, how they react, how they group, what they talk about, etc. You get to see things that you're not accustomed to seeing from the life "box" that you have grown so attached to.

You can easily differentiate the minority (Asians, Indians, Arabs, and the likes) from the majority (Blacks and Whites). You see the minority walking with their head down, careful not to meet some hot-headed haughty people from the majority. You see the minority either silently talking or extremely talking or laughing out loud while the majority normally keeps things to themselves. Personal space is so treasured and respected here that you sometimes miss the knee-to-knee confines of a jeepney. I now understand and see the Western Culture that one of my psychology professors have been lambasting about. I am now, one of those many Filipino immigrants who are forcefully fed this culture. . . it's a good thing that I know who I am and who I will always be. . . a Filipino.

*****

Writing Draught

I've been in a writing draught these days.

I miss writing so much that it consumed me and because of that I don't know what to write. Mwah19 suggested I "revolutionize" this blog and write in Filipino. I would love to do it but my fear of grasping for equivalent words for English terms hinders me. Since I was small, I have always been more inclined to write in English rather than Filipino. In the letters I've sent to a lot of people, I wrote in English most of the time. It's a shame that I am not so fluent writing in Tagalog because I have been professing time and time again of knowing my roots and loving who I am and will always be. I bet Rizal's turning in his grave right now because of me. How ironic isn't it?

Funny how you realize how valuable and important a certain thing is once you lose it. I've realized how I missed talking comfortably in Tagalog and how important it was that people I talked to understand what I am saying even though I am not half-way done with my sentences. I think one of the disadvantages that our educational system back home has is that it prioritizes English over our native tongue. It is something that we should both condemn and commend. Commend because we can be understood by those "powerful" nations and condemn because it alienates us from our own country.

Dapat nga nating tangkilikin ang sariling atin. Knowing how to speak and write in Tagalog is one of the greatest achievement any Filipino should be proud of.

*****

Olympic Questions

>> Why is it that some countries have two athletes in some events/sport?
>> Why is it that people oggle at the tv watching the Olympics and scrutinize the athletes while not even attempting to get off their butts and exercise?
>> What is the Olympics for? To know who is the champion or the greater nation or for uniting each country on the globe?
>> Why is it that commentators see more of the flaws in a performance than the judges?

*****

I am Angel. . . who wished upon the first star she saw tonight.

confusions

2004-08-23T21:31:00.000-04:00

YORK NEWBIE II

Officially speaking I am now a York student. I have mixed feelings with regards to being a York student. First of all, I will always be a Green Archer at heart. I was converted five years ago and being the loyal person I am, when I say always, I mean it.

I'm excited to go back to school. I actually have 30 credits more to go before I could graduate. 30 credits is a year's worth of full-time study and I could finish school in one year, unfortunately, because of some stupid regulation by the senate I have to stay for two years at York before I graduate. Since, I will still be staying that long, I decided to kind of slack-off during my first year. I only got 12 credits to go this year and well, it's really not that bad. It's quite a very light load compared to the usual 18 units (five/six subjects) I am quite used to. I took a light load this year because I know that I need sometime to adjust to juggling York, school, and household chores. I used to juggle two things before like school and work at the restaurant but now, it's quite different. I need to be on the road a whole lot to go to and from places and well, Canada is still a new place for me.

I just hope that my charms and intelligence will work here. I don't want to be one of those people looking at York University with an outsider's eyes. I want to have friends like I have back home and hopefully, in time I would eventually warm up to these Canadians.

*****

FOR MY CONFUSION

Dear Confusion,

I want to tell you that you've been in my life for quite sometime now. I was just wondering how long you plan to stay. It seems like you got so comfortable in the warm crevices of my brain and the dark recess of my soul. I have a feeling that you're gastronomic taste buds are frequently filled by the raw emotions I tend to let run my being. I have a feeling that you enjoy seeing my thoughts and jumbling them up like some computer virus.

I once seeked refuge from Valproic Acid and Lithium before but you still came back, rearing your ugly head. Now, I just let you run around my whole body trying as much as possible to be comfortable in the most uncomfortable of situations. But lately, you've been having your terrible mood swings and you've been sardonically delighted by flashing memories of the long-gone past that I've been trying to desperately let go and forget. You've been inviting misery and sadness to keep you company. The sunshine and the joy that I've experienced before are now cowering at the backseat, thinking of ways to push you out of the driver's seat.

I want you out but I don't know what to do. Some say I should look at my past and see the lessons I've learned and maybe you'll go away. I did that but you're just too powerful that you made everything swirl and just become one big blob of emptiness. Some say I should deal with you but dealing with you just made me see myself as one big irony, therefore, causing more confusion. People say I should wait for the Divine. Some even offered that YOU are the Divine.

I don't know what to think now. I guess, I should just wait for that thing called Enlightenment. Maybe one day, hopefully soon, Enlightenment would come and sweep you out of my being. Then joy and my sunshine will soon reign again.

Hope you wouldn't stay too long now.

>ME<

*****

I am Angel. . . born to try.

Hand In My Pocket

2004-08-20T14:58:00.000-04:00

HAND IN MY POCKET

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless

-- Alanis Morissette

What do you do when you just have a couple of bucks left in your pocket going around unfamiliar places?

What I did was walk. Walk from Eglinton West up to Yonge-Eglinton intersection which is a good hour and a half's walk. It was a stupid move but I saved a couple of bucks'. The good thing about my good walk is that 1) got to see some quaint little stationery stores and 2) saw some interesting people. I also proved to myself that I am not a weakling and that I have that hidden energy inside me. But would I do it again? No! I maybe crazy but NOT THAT CRAZY!!!!

*****

PIZZAIOLO

There's this pizza place near my work where they sell a huges slice of pizza and a pop for only $ 5. My cousin Ate Kaye was the one who pointed me and my other cousin towards that direction when I first went to downtown for my interview. It's a little pizza place with good looking guys (though I suspect two of those guys are gay; what a waste!) . Went there to eat after my very long walk and man-oh-man was my tummy filled! ^_^ Wish Table_03's here and then we would all enjoy our gourmet pizza (with a cheap price) and oggle at the good looking guys! ^_^

*****

YORK NEWBIE

Thanks to our pc and I was able to go to York U without any hassle and confusions and minimal asking of questions to strangers.

York U have a very big campus somewhat similar to UP. We have our own version of the ikot jeepney of UP which is the Glendon-Keele flag bus. It's a very big campus so most of the time you have to have a map or directions going to places but hopefully, I wouldn't look too much of a newbie with the help of my cousin, her boyfriend and her friends. ^_^

A part of me couldn't wait to go to school and a part of me also is hesitant in going back. First of all, it's a new and BIG place. Quite different from the clustered buildings of DLSU. Second, everybody speaks English (duh!!!!) and well, not that I couldn't speak in English its just that sometimes I miss talking in Tagalog/Filipino. The only time I would be able to talk in Filipino is when I am home or sometimes when I'm talking to my cousins. It's only now that I understand why some Filipinos who study abroad or stay abroad for quite sometime would acquire a twang and would speak in Taglish when they go back.

I used to despise those Filipino people who seems like they are foreign to their own tongue just because they stayed in another country. Now, I am seeing things through their eyes. It's hard not to get the twang or to speak the way these foreigners do because you will be "forced" to acquire these abilities. If you wouldn't talk you'll be a hermetic which would be hard because as the cliche goes: no man is an island.

My Japanese Acrobat Sister/ Freudian Slip worshipper Sister commented that I already got the twang when I called her. I really don't notice it. Barok pa nga ako dito eh. I refuse to be foreign to my own tongue. I refuse to be one of those high and mighty Filipino-Immigrants that doesn't help out their own kind. I will forever and always be a Filipino na nakatapak pa rin sa lupa ang mga paa.

*****

I am Angel. . . missing her lengthy conversations in Filipino.

That li'l corner. . .

2004-08-18T23:43:00.000-04:00

Computer Nook

I'm writing this entry in the comfort of our central-air house in our little computer nook besides my li'l brothers TV hooked up to his own X-box. My Hip-Hop brother was able to hook up the internet cable to our computer and voila! a kick-ass computer with net ability! Whoopah! ^_^

Though I doubt it I'll be writing often in the confines of our home, I'm still glad that I'm writing this entry from home. It's quite late and almost everyone's asleep already, what better time to blog, ei? ^_^

Hopefully, in a few months time I would have my own laptop to tinker around with and to write my entries with. Anyways, before I get into any more trouble, I am signing off for the moment! Nightie-night my dear Voyeurs!

*****

I am Angel. . . testing out our kick-ass net capable Sony Vaio desktop pc! ^_^

VAIO: is a YO!!!!

2004-08-17T15:15:00.000-04:00

R U CONNECTED?!?

I am!

Went home yesterday to a lonely house with only my dad home. Everyone else went out with my mom to go buy a kick-ass computer. It's a Sony VAIO desktop pc and man-oh-man! It's so sweet!

I has a flat LCD 15" monitor with a cpu that has a dvd-writer, 80 Gb, intel pentium 4, and some other things. Oh man! We just have to wait for a bit for our internet connection because the one that Rogers' first installed was too short. But man! It would be so sweet using that computer! I couldn't wait for it to be net-capable! ^_^

Oh! And the pc came with a Lexmark all-in-one printer which is capable of printing pictures, scanning, and photocopying. ^_^ So excuse my gloating right now.

*****

I am Angel. . . still riding on my lucky streak!

T.G.I.F!!!!!

2004-08-13T08:37:00.000-04:00

ON MY WAY TO WORK

I take three train rides going to work. The first one starts at McCowan which is called the RT, then I get off at Kennedy station with starts the Subway going east and I have to get off at Yonge-Bloor, and then the last going North to Eglinton. I've been riding these trains for five days now and today, I got a bit disconcerted about my rides. I forgot to get off at Yonge-Bloor, got off the wrong side of Yonge-Bloor and had to walk all the way to the otherside and got off Eglinton. The subways here are pretty straightforward but I don't know what's gotten into me and I my brain suddenly went dead on me. Tsk! Tsk! I'm just blaming it on the fact that it's Friday the 13th. hehehe! Hopefully, later I don't have to pick-up my dad from work because I'll be taking the bus alone for the first time. The first time I took the bus here I was with Kathy and well, you know how it is when you're riding with someone you just have to follow. It's a good thing people here aren't snobs unlike when you're in the U.S of A.

*****

NAMELESS COMPANY vs. RONA

Tatay got a full-time job at this garlic factory in Pickering (which is a couple of minutes away from Ajax). He will start on Monday and now he's thinking of dropping out of RONA. Personally, I don't want him to drop his job in Rona because it's quite hard to get into Rona and he has adjusted pretty well there already even though the job is quite hard (i.e. lifting heavy objects and climbing ladders that are almost two storeys high) and far from our place. A lot of people say Rona gives great benefits to their employees but Nanay wants him at the nameless company (read: small time, unknonwn) garlic factory. I'm already tired of arguing Tatay's case. I just hope that when things don't go well at that garlic factory we wouldn't get the brunt of their (my parents) listlessness and restlessness. I would greatly derive pleasure in saying "I told you so" if and when that time comes.

*****

READY FOR THE WEEKEND?

I sure am!

My officemate asked me this while in the elevator. I couldn't wait to just lie around our house relaxing (while doing my laundry) and catching up on some shows I wanted to watch during the week. I also have a christening party to attend to this Saturday. I will also get to hang-out with my cousins and maybe watch a movie. I'm also going around our place to take some pictures over the weekend! I miss taking pictures! Thank God It's FRIDAY!!!! ^_^ (Though its the 13th. . .)

*****

I am Angel. . . currently having an LSS with the song Manila.

I'm doing what?!?

2004-08-12T08:35:00.000-04:00

DOING THE PHONES

Yesterday was my first day doing the phones. Yup! I did the phones after two or rather three days of training. My words are all mushed and mumbled that sometimes I couldn't help laughing at myself. (Ask Table_03 I always do that!) It seemed like my Filipino accent's getting thicker by the minute. And my grammar's getting all jumbled up! Oh geez! The F-O-B in me is waking up from its stupor! hahaha! ^_^

It wasn't that hard doing the phones its just that sometimes, the clients calling have a much thicker accent than mine and I have to tell them to repeat the name or department they're wanting to call. But, in general, I had a good day. ^_^ Hopefully, I wouldn't have a hard time today. ^_^

*****

HOMESICK

I'm missing home right now. It's the 12th and one of my friends in Table_03's birthday. I still haven't mailed her letter because I still couldn't find a post office that's near our house or that's near the plaza, which by the is a 15 minutes walk from our place. They sell a packet of stamps at Hallmark at the Scarborough Town Centre but as I am still money-less despite my being employed (my pay will go to my account sometime next, next week) I couldn't buy it even if it's under $ 8. I know that despite all the busy-ness of Table_03 or the "issues" they have with one another (reading between the lines of zaizai's journal) they will cook up something nice for Z. I wish I could be there laughing with them, contributing my dad's barbecue (which by the way is quite popular in the party my tita threw for us a couple of days after we got here) or sharing some money for the food. I wish I could just spend sometime with these people whom I got to know and hang-out with for awhile.

Sabi nga ni He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ". . .it's nice to be with someone who knows you very well. "

I miss you guys!

*****

TIRED!!!

Yes, I've only been working for a couple of days but I've been feeling oh-so-g**damned tired!

I don't know if it's the work (which is quite a light job compared to my brothers' work (Mc Donald) or Tatay and Nanay's) or the long rides (one hour and a half going to work and two hours going back home) or the weather. It's just that when I get home, I'm so dead-tired that my body just goes in its sleep mode as soon as I my body touches the couch or my bed. I hope this feeling of tiredness wouldn't go on until I go to school. That's going to be tough because I wouldn't have time to study or do my homeworks. Geez! I really oughta learn to drive so I wouldn't be spending too much time on the road.

*****

I am Angel. . .bubble bath addict!

UPDATES!!!

2004-08-10T13:37:00.000-04:00

THE JOB

Yes my dear voyuers, I know I've been absent from the blogging/writing world again for quite sometime. First things first, this Angel isn't jobless anymore! I got the job that I've been fussing/raving about in my last entry. This week is my first week, ergo, training week. ^_^ I did some paper folding during the first half of my day here at work and the last couple of hours training in my job as a part-time receptionist. ^_^ Some people working here are ok, some are a tad bit testy. But eventually, I'll get to the point wherein I'll be friends with some of my colleagues. The pay is quite good but I'm still in a contract for three months and hopefully after that they'll like how I work and the might absorb me and make me a permanent part-time receptionist. ^_^

*****

THE HOUSE

We moved to our own place, officially, Saturday night. It still needs a bit of tidying up to make it more "homey". There are three bedrooms in the house and my li'l brother and I share the same bedroom but lately, I've been the only one who's really been using that bedroom. I guess I could already claim the room to be mine for the meantime.^_^ I'll try posting some pictures of the house in the next coming entries.

I've spruced up my room and it looks really good because my brothers are now arguing amongst themselves who I would be sharing room with. ^_^ But, my li'l brother put his foot down and well, nobody could really argue to any BUNSO right?

****

SPORADIC WRITING

Sporadic is actually an understatement for me. It's been awhile that I've really written that makes any sense. Why is that so? You ask. Well, I've been really busy these past few weeks and I've also been competing with a couple of people for the use of a computer in my Tita's house. Now that we have our own house we are still in the process of waiting my dad's credit card so that we could go buy a pc. If Meloche Monnex keeps me, I might probably buy a laptop come as a Christmas gift to myself. ^_^ That way I wouldn't be fighting for computer use and I would also be extremely happy because one of my dreams came true. Besides, I would also have to stay two more years at York University to finish my course, ergo, another need for a computer. ^_^

But, Zaizai, I'll try to write more often now that I have some kind of access to a computer here at work. ^_^ Thanks for that wake-up call, ei?

*****

I am Angel. . . part-time receptionist.

Calm before the Storm

2004-07-30T22:59:00.000-04:00

AFTER THE INTERVIEW. . .

. . . comes the waiting. The agonizing days of jumping at every phone ring and pounding on the phone like it was a holy grail will go on until that fateful moment wherein a few words could make or break your being.

I got interviewed at Meloche Mennox last Monday afternoon for a part-time receptionist job and they were requiring me to give them a reference but since all my reference are abroad I have to wait longer than normal to know if I got accepted or not. The HR person a.k.a BIATCH is in a bit of quandry whether to hire me or not. Oh well, hopefully, she would call me soon and say those words that I have been hoping to hear these past few days. ^_^

*****

ON BEING THE ONLY BUM

It sucks to be the only bum in the family.

You get to hear snide remarks about being the only one without any job. You gets to be delegated the very professional and rewarding job of housekeeping or rather to put it nicely home manager. You get to be bossed around by almost everyone in the family since you don't earn your keep. You get long sermons whenever you get money to go out. And being the only bum means one has to endure being the butt of every joke and insult.

It really sucks to be the only bum.

*****

MOVING OUT

The process of moving out will soon start tomorrow. The furnitures that we've acquired during Nanay's garage raids will be moved from my Tita's garage to our own rented house' living room. Our landlord says that it will take him another week to finish all the tweaks that he has been doing since the last family moved out. We will be applying for hydro, phone and cable tomorrow. Since this Angel still has no job except to be the bonafide house manager and babysitter, I would probably be spending the next few days at our house and fixing our furnitures. I might also be the one who would be contacted by all the delivery people of the things that my parents purchased over this week.

Moving out would mean independence for me. I would be forced to ride the bus going around town. I would be forced to go and make our new house my new comfort zone. I would be forced to do a lot of things.

Hopefully, we would be able to ease into this new phase without any hitches or glitches. I guess, this process is the calm before the storm and I pray that the storm would not come.

*****

I am Angel. . . still jobless.

Lucky Streak

2004-07-25T14:21:00.000-04:00

NEW HOUSE

In a couple of days time we will be moving to our own house. It's just a rental but it's quite nice for a family that's starting anew. I'll be posting some pictures when we finally move in on the house. My youngest brother and I will be sharing bedrooms and hopefully, I wouldn't be kicking his ass too much! tee-hee! ^_^

But I'm really glad that we're getting a place of our own. I know that my tita's family is all good with us staying here but there is such a thing with us Filipinos about utang na loob and overstaying our welcome. We don't also want to be a burden to our tita's family that's why we're trying our hardest to move out as soon as possible.

The neighbourhood that we'll be living in soon is a bit quiet. It's near the 401 but also near a bus stop so hopefully we wouldn't have any problem with getting to and from places. Hay. . .we are literally starting over again. I just hope my subconscious would also stop bothering me with a past that is now literally long gone.

*****

RE: JOBHUNT

YES! YES! YES!

I have an interview coming up tomorrow. Finally, after several weeks of waiting I finally have a scheduled interview. My job title is: part-time receptionist. That is pretty self-explanatory in itself, ey?

I am suddenly having those funny butterflies in my stomach today. The pressure for me to find a job is really mounting. My mom got accepted in Canadian Tire (one of the biggest stores in the Country) and my dad has been working for almost past a week now at Rona Lansing (also one of the reputable and biggest stores around here). My brothers are going to work as service crew in Mc Donald's. Officially speaking, I am the only BUM in our family. That's why my nerves are really getting to me with regards to passing that interview.

I really want to get that part-time job. My mom wants me to get a full-time job but I really don't know if I should get one until the time I find out if I'll be going to York University. I am still waiting for some kind of letter from York to see if I'll be accepted or now. I have another job offer but the pay isn't that good and the work is a bit tiresome. The job title is: Developmental support worker. I will be working with kids or persons with developmental problems. If you think about it, this developmental support would be more beneficial to me because its in the line of my course. hay. . . hopefully, I do get a job soon.

*****

I am Angel. . .the job hunter!

Gone a Miss

2004-07-21T14:53:00.000-04:00

MISSING HOME

The thirst for anything Pinoy is suddenly surging in my being. This coming Thursday would mark my 3rd week here in Canada. I don't know what is it that suddenly made me crave for things that are Pinoy.

It's not as if we don't eat Pinoy food everyday. It's not as if we don't speak the language. It's not as if we have been away from the Philippines that long. But I suddenly miss home right now.

Yes, people here seem a bit friendlier. The weather here is cold. People here tend to follow rules. Every washroom has a functioning (read: flushing) tiolets and tissue papers are abound. But I still miss home right now.

Maybe I'm missing home right now because I am missing a lot of things in my friends lives. I must seem like a distant pestering unknown acquaintance to them these days. Or maybe I miss the lifestyle I had back home. I miss riding the jeepney and the taxi going to and from places. Riding a bus here is still a bit confusing for me. Getting a cab are only for the very well-off people here. I miss the dizzying heat that we have back home. I miss a lot of things from home.

It would seem, by the way I write, that I have adjusted myself to the thought that back home and over there means PI (or Philippine Islands, as how my cousins would refer to it), but in truth I really haven't. It still feels like I am just on some great big vacation and one of these days I would come back home. My Tita would comment that I am like a "Canadian" in the way I dress going to NoFrills or MickeyD's (FYI: I am in my tattered t-shirt and old jogging pants) and would compliment me in the way I speak, but really my heart and soul is and would forever be Filipino.

I may have the twang in the way I speak. I may even dress up as a Canadian but all these are still foreign to me. Four years , 11 months and 1 week from now I will be given the choice to be a Canadian, I will say yes to it in order to please my mom but in my heart I will always be a Filipino. Besides, dual citizenship is now allowed back home. ^_^

*****

RESTLESS

My subconcious wold not let me rest.

I have put on hold dealing with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Sorry Gurl-in-Pink) that's why he keeps on popping in my head these past few days. I have vowed to get to know myself more before deciding the fate of the power of two. I hope that this is just one of those passing feelings that I have had these past years. I hope that soon I would find the inner sunshine that I had when the power of two were still together. I hope that in time I would make the right and final decision.

*****

BOUND TO YOU

Bound to you,
I am not anymore.

You have severed ties first,
I just followed suit.

My heart is still shattered,
But I know in time it will be healed.

I maybe broken right now,
But I am stronger than ever before.

Bound to you,
I am not anymore.

*****

I am Angel. . . sky lover!

Changing Skies

2004-07-15T13:18:00.000-04:00

JOBHUNT

The hunt for the elusive job is on.

The pressure for me to find a job is mounting as each day pass by and my family members are getting accepted in the jobs that they have applied for. I am still a jobless out of school youth and I am getting frustrated and impatient. I know that we have only been here for two weeks but the pressure for me to find job is increasing. I have been sitting long hours in front of my tita's pc just to look for jobs at different online job boards.

They are all expecting job experience which I have very little of. My tita and tito wants me to get an office job as a clerk or a receptionist but even these things need some experience. I am getting restless as each day pass by and the calls from the different companies I have applied to still hasn't found its way to our phoneline.

I hope and pray that soon someone would be interested enough to consider me for a job. Being a BUM also has it's expiration date for me. And hopefully it'll expire soon.

*****

Changing Skies

This picture was taken sometime last Sunday. I hope D visits my site sometime soon. Hope you guys like this picture I took. ^_^

It kinda represents the mood that I was a few days ago. Hopefully, I get back to that mood soon.

*****

I am Angel. . . a job-hunter!

Strawberries anyone?

2004-07-12T13:23:00.000-04:00

QUOTE FOR THE DAY:

Angels have no beginning and no end. They exist in this moment, and not in memories, or projections. To find angels, we must look into the core of our Being.

- Karen Goldman,
"Angel Voices"

*****

STRAWBERRY PICKING

We went strawberry picking yesterday. It was a nice and new experience for our family. I know that back home there're strawberry picking farms somewhere in Tagaytay and Baguio but plans to go there normally didn't push thru because of work or school. But anyways, it was quite an experience for me. I saw how my li'l bro tried carrying a bucket full of strawberries even though his face was flushed and red from the heat. I saw how my cousins who already experienced going there before still have this look of excitement as they picked plump and very red strawberries from several long lines of strawberry bushes.

I think it was a nice experience for each and everyone of use who went there. Some of the strawberries we picked up from yesterday is now getting a tad bit overripe but the experience and the joy that we had picking up those strawberries would last us a long time just like the strawberry scent permeating the house the we live in right now.

*****

HOUSE-HUNTING

Last night we went to look at a house that we were considering to move in after we all get the ID's that the immigration and the human resource agency would be mailing in my tita's house.

The house we looked at was a two storey house with a detached garage. It has a basement which could house two more rooms and the second floor has three bedrooms. The house is near the 401 and the bus stop. It's near my li'l brother's school and my Hiphop brother's work.

My parents and other family members like it. I think it's also a good start for us. Hopefully, the landlord would give us a call back and we could move in soon and literally, start the new life that we all have been talking about for quite sometime.

*****

UPDATE ON THE JOB INTERVIEW

I got the job selling knives, unfortunately, all my family members and my tita and tito told me to decline the job and look for another one. They are not too keen with the idea that I would go to "pre-set" appointments and sell knives to other people.

I still am waiting for several calls from different companies that I sent my resumes to. Hopefully, a few of them would call me one of these days. For the meantime, I am riding on the waves of the net looking for a job that would suit me. ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . . job-hunter and strawberry picker.

all about me

2004-07-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

NEW HOME. . .for the meantime

This is my new home for the meantime. My family is bunking it out here at my tita's place. We're still house hunting and waiting for some identifications to be sent by the different Canadian government agencies so we might be staying here for a month or so. My Tita's family is very accommodating and very helpful. My Tita and Tito even took sometime off to help us out.

This new house that we're living it is quite different from the one we have back home. We live in a quiet new community. The house here is spacious, carpeted, and with centralized aircon. But I miss our house back home. I miss the warmth and coziness of my bed. I miss our dinner table which witnessed a lot of varied events of our lives. I miss my teddy which I left with Donna to be shipped here once I have saved up some money. I miss our oven-like office.

I do not know how long I will be missing our house back home. It seems like I would never see it again because Nanay and Tatay's contemplating on selling it to finance their plan of buying a new and better house. I think it would take a long while before I call any house home. I would have to make and leave a lot of memories in that place before I could call it home. Home, for now, is still thousands of miles away.

*****

SHUTTERBUG

Yup! I am a BONAFIDE Shutterbug! Eversince I got my digicam I've been taking photos of quite a lot of things. I still have quite a lot to learn when it comes to photography but I am quite happy with a number of pictures that I took these past few days. I got my CANON POWERSHOT A75 last Saturday just in time for the party that my Tita held. Unfortunately for me and my mom, I accidentally hit the reformat button for the memory card last Monday. My mom contained her anger with regards to the boo-boo I made. I oughta be careful these coming days because I feel her anger brimming and simmering already. Good thing that a camera couldn't capture that weird feeling. ^_^

*****

JOB INTERVIEW

I have a job interview tomorrow. I think I might be selling knives for a living. Tsk! Tsk! My first job: costumer sales representative. . . a fancy name for selling knives for a living! hahaha! ^_^

I don't know how much the pay is nor where the interview will be. Hopefully, the job wouldn't be that hard. I could always turn it down if I don't like the environment or the nature of the job. ^_^ I have handed out a number of resumes and I am hoping that this wouldn't be the last job interview I would be getting. ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . . shutterbug!

Back home

2004-07-05T08:07:00.000-04:00

BACK HOME

I have been in my new home for five days since the eve of the first. It's chilly here and the sun sets up really early and does not go down until its 8 or 9 in the pm. Fascination of the place still rules my being and sometimes I just am caught in awe of the "abrupt" change in my life. Everything still seems pretty normal, except that I am a wee bit domesticated now. I have learned to share in household chores like: doing the dishes, ironing clothes, fixing beds, etc. which I would have left to the household help back home.

Back home -- it seem strange that I would call Philippines this way. It would seem like I have left Manila for quite sometime whenever I say this but it's really how the way things are. Home is something that is a thousand of miles away. I don't know how long I would be foreign to this country or if I could be as familiar to it to be able to call my second home, but I know that Manila would always be my first home. 20 years of my existence and experiences happened in Manila and I guess it wouldn't be easy to forget that. I miss a lot of things that could only be missed back home and it's only my fifth day here. I hope it wouldn't be that hard to busy myself so that I wouldn't miss home too much. I guess, subconsciously, I would be counting the days until I could go back home.

*****

21

Another number added to my years of existence, another year to fill up with memories. . . another year. I had two birthdays this year. My birthday was last July 2 but since we boarded the plane going here to Toronto last July 1, I had my birthday Manila time on the plane and Toronto Time here in Ajax, Ontario. My turning 21 signifies a lot of things. Turning a new leaf, starting over or anew, leaving the past behind. 21 is also the time or rather age that I migrated to a new land. I am in a new place and hopefully, my broken heart would soon be healed. Memories of a past long gone, hopefully, would not sting me too much. Triggering of these memories would be few because the places I would frequent here are like clean slates in my memory bank. I have yet to put some memories in these places.

I am hoping now that my parents would soon see how I grew up after they ingrained in themselves my image of a helpless little clingy seven year old girl. I have hidden in my shell for too long now and I have no resort but to go and show them a new side of me: the grown up ANGEL.

*****

I am Angel. . . a newly landed immigrant.

To a few friends

2004-06-21T09:24:00.000-04:00

Your grief

I feel your pain. . . your grief. My condolences are sent through a number of sms. My concern for your well-being suddenly surged through my being. Frankly, I do not know what to say when you told me you were lonely. I thought it was your typical reply to my almost rhetoric question of how are you. Then you told me that our friend died. He accidentally plunged himself 20 metres down to the ground. I was speechless. I was stunned.

Your grief suddenly enveloped me. I guess I knew you really too well that I felt you would start to break down after I asked how you are doing again. I knew you were fighting your tears because you are that type of person who tries to suppress and repress all your emotions. I knew that you did not allow just anybody to be with you in the land of tears.

I do not know if I should feel honored that you took me to that land. I do now know if I should really feel this terrible and big grief which is hanging around me like a big dark cloud. What should I say to a person who I haven't heard from for quite sometime, trying his best to sound ok even though I hear the quiver in his voice, telling me that our friend died? I could only surmise that I was one of the first people who he told about the incident.

I wanted to hold you like I once did. I wanted to comfort you. . .dry your tears and say it's not your fault. I wanted to keep you close to me, cradle you like the child that came and went like a thief in the night. I wanted to shield you from the pain. . .from the grief, but, I can not. I am not in that position anymore. All I can do is sms you that I would always be here for you.

I know that you are still not over from waking up from a beautiful dream. I know that you are still grieving the death of the power of two. I know that you are still not strong enough for this kind of blow. But God has this "funny" way of showing how much He cares and thinks about us. This is His way of showing it to you.

I know that you will soon find in yourself the strength I tried feeding on for quite sometime. I know that you will soon surpass all these grieving. Dwell in the brokenness and search for yourself and you will soon find the peace of heart.

I can only pray and hope for you. I can only wish that good things would soon come your way. I can only pray that you find the strength I once saw and felt in you. I can only hope that sooner or later the loneliness, the pain, and the grieving would be replaced by happiness and peace.

I am so sorry our friend died. Yes, he could've done so many other great things in his life but his time was up. God has some other plans for Him. I could only think that God thought he would be a better help to people if he was with God and His Angels.

I worry about you so much. I guess, I would feel the same thing to any friend who needs comforting. I really am so sorry.

*****

With Angel Kisses

Dear _________,

I hope you're doing much better now.

I know how heavy and fluffy angel wings could be. Sometimes they are too fluffy and sometimes they tickle you at the wrong places.

How does it feel to be up close and personal to that Higher Being? Do He really like those filling Manna that He showered to His people once? Does He crack jokes or is He such a serious Being?

I know that this letter seems a little weird to you. I guess, I am just missing you right now. A lot of people are missing you right now. A lot of people suddenly feels this big hole in their hearts because you left the party called Life too soon.

I know you would look over us. Making funny faces when we are sad and lonely. Reminding us that we should laugh. Maybe we'll hear your laughter-- deep and rich-- in the soft gentle breeze. Maybe things are this way for the better.

I know you are now partying up there with the Angels. Give Him a big kiss for me ok? We will miss you and would always cherish the memories we shared.

Take care now. Don't party too hard ok? I know we'll see each other again.

With Angel Kisses,

Angel

*****

I am Angel. . . here to comfort people.

Etcetera. . .etcetera. . .etcetera

2004-06-20T06:42:00.000-04:00

HAPPY DADS' DAY!

It's Fathers's day today.

I have not or rather I refuse to greet my dad. I still have not recovered from the tiff we had. So I guess, my dad is one of those not so happy fathers on this day.

*****

WRITING

I wrote my first poem when I was in grade six. It was published in the gradeschool Paulinian paper (Yes, I was once a Paulinian.)I loved to write even before that. I kept several diaries over the years some of them are burnt because it ensued a lot of teeth-grinding and head and heart aches for my parents. But still I kept on writing.

I often say here and in my other journal that writing is the one constant thing in my life. Happy or sad, I write. I have so much love and passion for writing that my ex-Honey has two big boxes filled with my letters. Normally, I would like to think that I write about anything under the sun. But of course, Deecee would disagree to this because she still insists that this is an infatuation junkie's blog.

Lately,my passion for writing started to wane. I have difficulty writing a worthy and interesting blog entry. I feel some sort of writing draught about to start. I feel that I already ran out of story to tell. I guess, inferiority complex is also kicking in.

As a friend once told me, EVERYTHING IS A PASSING FEELING. Maybe this feeling of wanting to stop writing will also pass. Hopefully soon I won't have to will myself to write. It would gracefully come to me like before.

*****

CROSS STITCH

I have a two year old project waiting to be finished. I started a cross stitching a then graduation gift for my ex-Honey two years ago. I was not able to finish it on time for his graduation so I gave him something else. I intended to give it to him as an aniversary gift instead. Unfortunately, the stars collided and things did not go as we thought it will. We parted ways two weeks before our second year aniversary.

I have not touched that cross stitch project eversince. Everytime I see that cross stitch project, I used to feel my heart breaking. It used to remind me of a dream that was once was. It used to remind me of an Angel who used to believe in forever, always, and eternity.

I started working on it last night. I braced myself for the feelings that I thought I would get. I braced myself for the pain. I looked for that old familiar feeling but I felt nothing. Actually, I felt a sense of calm when I saw it and started working on it again. I guess, I finally really grew up and moved on.

In a few days time, I'll be done with it. DONE-- a word that denotes finality or accomplishment. I guess I have to happily bid adieu to the once reigning feeling in my life-- heartache.

*****
I am Angel. . .wanna-be writer.

Band-aid on a broken heart

2004-06-16T10:02:00.000-04:00

FOR THE STAR WORSHIPPER

I would love to sew your little broken heart so you could see and feel the sunshine around you. I would love to take the pain that you're feeling because I know you don't deserve it. I would love to hold you close to me but I can't and I won't. I have said my piece and all you have to do is consider it.

There are certain things you have to experience for yourself to understand life. There are certain things that you have to let go in order for you to fully understand the meaning of peace and happiness. I have been through quite a number of heartaches and pain that you are,unfortunately, going through but I know that you will eventually see the light. As much as I want to protect all those special people in my life from the evils in this world, I could only do so much. It's up to you to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of people around you. It's up to you to find the will to move and forget. Healing is not an easy task but as an enlightened one once told me: Peace of heart follows brokenness.

*****

I am Angel. . . brokenness flew away.

BAD NEWS AND AUNT FLOW

2004-06-15T02:49:00.000-04:00

BAD NEWS!!!

My graphics for this blog aren't showing up for some reason. I'm praying that my free account at photobucket.com isn't messed up or accidentally deleted. I got quite a number of nice pictures there. Ho-hum! I emailed photobucket a couple of minutes ago and hopefully my graphics would soon show up!

*****

AUNT FLOW

I hate it when you are in town Aunt Flow.

You make the BITCH in me crawl out of her watering hole.
You make me susceptible to colds, cough and flu.
You make me irritable.
You make me more argumentative and opinionated.
You make my body, particularly my abdomen, ache.
You make tears flow easily.
You make my emotions more raw and tender.
You make the need to stay home more urgent than before.

I hate it when you are in town Aunt Flow. . .
. . . specially now that I a solo-singular person.

*****

I am Angel. . . pms-ing!

Being a Filipino

2004-06-12T06:00:00.000-04:00

HAPPY (?) INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Photo taken from: www.filipinoexpress.com

I've been in the john mulling about the what-nots of life when I suddenly realized that today is the 12th wherein everyone who calls themselves FILIPINO is supposed to be celebrating our great INDEPENDENCE day!

I searched through my entries faintly remembering the words that I wrote in my Independence Day dedicated entry a year back. How strange for me to read the words I spewed out that day. I talked about things with such fervor that it almost sounds like I have a rallyist's blood surging through my being. Tsk! Tsk! It almost seemed like it was a long time since I wrote that entry.

My dearest voyeurs, Happy Independence Day! ^_^

*****

IN SEARCH OF THE FILIPINO

"noypi"
By Bambo0
Tingnan mo ang iyong palad
Kalyado mong kamay
Sa hirap ng buhay
Sa dami mong problema
Nakuha mo pang ngumiti
Noypi ka nga. Astig.

Saan ka man naroroon, wag kang matatakot sa baril o patalim
Sa bakas na madilim

Hoy pinoy ako
Buo aking loob, may agimat ang dugo ko

Sinisid ko ang dagat
Nilibot ko ang mundo
Nasa puso ko pala and hinahanap kong kulo
Ilang beses nakong muntikang mamatay
Alam ko ang sekreto kaya't nandito pa't buhay

Sabi nila may anting-anting ako
pero di nila alam na Diyos and dahilan ko

Hoy pinoy ako
Buo aking loob, may agimat ang dugo ko

Dinig mo ba ang bulong ng lahi mo
Isigaw mo kapatid ang himig natin

Has anyone of you ever thought who or what is a FILIPINO? How did we ever become a FILIPINO? Are those people who uprooted themselves from our Islands and planted themselves to a "greener soil" still could be called FILIPINOS?

These thoughts have been running inside my head for quite sometime now. They suddenly became somewhat like those glaring billboards that we often see on Edsa when Nanay started lecturing my youngest brother on saying "opo" and "po" even though he might be speaking in English with a Canadian twang. As you all know, in just a short while our whole family will be moving to Canada. Foreign people in foreign soil dreaming and hoping for the GOOD life. Aspiring for every migrant's dream.

What makes me a Filipino? Does having a Filipino passport suffice to my being one? Does speaking in Tagalog make me a Filipino? Does eating things like Sinigang, adobo, bagoong make me Filipino? Would I lose my sense of being a Filipino when I move to Canada? And lastly would I forget that I am a Filipino?

I guess all this things can be answered by the fact that I'm planning to go back here once I get my citizenship. I may be absent for five years living the Canadian way and reaching for a Filipino-Canadian's dream of a better life, but my heart and my sould would always be here in Manila. I guess I would always consider myself a Filipino though I would soon be living in a foreign soil.

*****

NOLI ME TANGERE/ TOUCH ME NOT

I've re-read Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo during these past few months that I have been a bum and an official OSY [out-of-school-youth]. I never really gave much attention during my highschool days. It was during my JPRizal that a part of me was somehow nudged by our National Hero Jose Rizal and his masterpieces.

When I re-read Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo, I saw the ideas that fascinated and sparked superfluous words from my highschool Filipino teacher. I saw the problems told by Rizal during his times in our day. I saw the Maria Clara-Crisostomo Ibarra love story that seemed to be the pattern for most of the telenovelas of our time. I saw the idealist Crisostomo Ibarra in some of my friends. I saw the filibustering of the tribunal in El Filibusterimso in the canvassing of votes in our time. I saw the truth in Rizal's work.

I guess, it's only now that I really, really saw the wisdom in Rizal's words. Hopefully, in the near future the problems of our time and Rizal's time would eventually be resolved. We really do have to look back at our past to learn from our mistake and so that we could also better govern ourselves.

*****

I am Angel. . . Filipino in heart and soul!

Poetry

2004-06-12T05:40:00.000-04:00

ANAK NG BAYAN

Naghihingalo
Nagsusumamo
Nagmamakaawa
Ang Inang Bayan
Ikaw ang pag-asa
Ang ilaw ng kinabukasan
Ang itintanging mamamayan
Ang Anak Ng Bayan
Ngunit
Ang mga hinaing
Sa mga tengang bingi
Hindi makapasok
Pag-asa'y wala na
Kalunos-lunos na hirap
Ang dumadaloy sa katawan
"Mang-ibang Bayan!" ang sigaw
Ng Anak ng Bayan

New Look!!!

2004-06-11T04:41:00.000-04:00

I've discovered something new with blogger! Bloggers now have the option to put titles on their entries! Wohoo! ^_^

Addition to my turning on the title field of this little writing abode of mine, I've finally, finished its new look. I got tired of the old look and voila! I got a new one. I'm kinda having problems with how the entries look like they're on top of the other but I'd give it a tweak. My eyes are already tired from too much html tweaking! ^_^

I'd try-out this title thing first and if things work out I'm going to keep it but if not, I'm going back to my old rambling self! :D

*****

I am Angel. . . on a different High!

2004-06-10T10:18:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

FREE MIND 2

I sit here waiting for the Divine. Waiting for answers to the questions I have asked all my life. I am sitting here with my bleeding heart. The hurtful words of hate, suppression and repression turned into little daggers that pierced every inch of my small heart. The ghosts inside my head are out to get me again. I am slowly slipping into the stupor that I once dwelt in. I suddenly found a humble abode in depression. Bipolarity sounds like my favorite candy. Bipolarity seems like the newest fashion trend that I allowed myself to revel in. I have tried demystifying things and sticking to the truth but I guess some people could not really take the bitter pill called honesty.

Respect flew out of these windows of this temple I dwell in. I wondered and wandered around looking for a bit of respect to try to put into this hat that seemed too big for me. I am weighed down by a lot of things. I wish Respect would remember its way back home.

Hate and old issues suddenly begun crowding my temple. I am trying to drive them away by FAITH, unfortunately, FAITH is too weak. Eventhough Faith is too weak, a part of me still tries to hold on to it. I liken it to a weak broom which tries to sweep away the cobwebs and the dirt of the past. Soon, everything would be spic and span again. FAITH would win. Peace and happiness would soon come back.

*****

I am Angel. . . holding on to the Higher Beings.

2004-06-06T23:13:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

ON BEING A KID AGAIN. . .

Taken during our Cam's birthday a couple of months back.

*****

JUNE 7th

If ex-Honey and me were still together today would mark our fourth year as a couple, fortunately, we're not together anymore. But there's still this feeling that is tugging at the seams of this semi-perfect life I've created. This feeling still gives importance to this day. This feeling wants me to remember a past long gone. I did give in to this feeling for a few moments. I celebrated this day by dining alone in Karate Kid while surrounded by couples. The skies cried there heart out for me while I tried to summon tears that have long dried up. It's hard to cry without tears.

Someday, I will treat this day as one of the many days in the calendar. Someday, I will forget that June 7th marks the day that I let myself get to know love. Someday, I will not celebrate anything on this day. Someday, I will forget that June 7th once was a special day for me.

*****

MY FISHERMAN

It's been a long while since I wrote anything about my fisherman. I haven't seen him for the longest time and I'm afraid that he has forgotten me already. I'm afraid that the last memory that he has of me has something to do with my childishness.

As the day for me to leave nears, I am starting to miss people who have affected my life so much. My fisherman is one of them. Hopefully, when we are both not busy we would have time to hang-out and basically, talk about anything under the sun. I guess what I am saying is that I am missing my fisherman.

*****

I am Angel. . . found peace and happiness amidst the confusions.

2004-05-29T01:44:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

ART OF LETTING GO

"The Art Of Letting Go"
by Mikaila

OOOOOOHhhhhhhhhh

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

+++

A lot of people who tried and failed in loving are looking for a formula to heal, forget and move on. I've been through a lot of emotional turmoils and inner struggles when it comes to the love department and I could attest to the fact that there is no easy way out in dealing with heartbreak or heartache. There is no formula. There is no sure-way pattern in moving on. Every time people attempt to give love a try varies. The emotions are generally the same but the treatments are different. This also applies to healing and moving on. Through the confusions, struggles and pain in one's attempt in forgetting and moving on one will eventually [sooner or later] find the enlightenment and peace of heart that has gone amiss for quite sometime. I haven't fount these things but I there's a budding hope in my heart and soul that soon, despite and in spite of all the troubles I've been through they will all come and I will be ready for the right man for me.

*****

I am Angel. . .learning the art of letting go.

2004-05-24T21:36:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

HELLO STRANGER

Oh wow! I can't believe it! A month has passed me by so quickly. A month passed by without me blogging.

It's amazing how things change in such a short time. Excuse me, while I stretch my wings out and give it a hearty li'l mexican shake. ^_^

I guess you, my avid voyeurs, have been waiting for some update for quite sometime now. I've been in another world where repressed and suppressed emotions have to be dealt with. It was harsh and cruel in that world but I have to take a breather and enjoy doing that one thing that is constant in my life: writing. I have to indulge to its call once more, lest I get even more crazy.
Hello strangers, voyeurs, friends. . . I am back!

*****

OF BEING AN ATE part 1

Being an ATE or older sister isn't an easy job. One has to play different roles: friend,an antagonist, adviser, spritual leader, and sometime a parent. I would say I haven't done a real good job of being an ATE to my younger siblings. Childishness, selfishness and pride took up most of my time and I forgot how it is to be an ATE. My brother Carlo is in the hospital right now and well, I realized that the ATE in me has grown. You could say I am a sissy or a soft hearted but my heart cried out yesterday when I saw my brother crying out in pain. I guess no matter whatever it is that happened between us, one can not really cut off ties with their family. No matter what choices one person makes regarding his/her life, s/he would still bend rules and see loopholes when it comes to their family. My mind has been too clouded these past few years with some triviality that has now gone with the ever changing course of wind. It's only now that I realized how valuable my family is to me. Tsk! Tsk! This BITCH of the WEST has gone soft!

*****

PARTY! PARTY!

Two saturdays ago, my despidida party no.1 took place in sweetie guy's place. Some of my Table_3 friends were there, my bestfriend was absent, and an engineer friend came. It was basically a small party but the fun wasn't that small. People say love is multiplied and not divided I guess that could also be applied to the fun that our small party had. We enjoyed Jovie's Magic Sing mic, Francis' Chivas Regal, my London Dry Gin, our resto's bbq and pancit. I had a grand time and hope that the night would not end. Unfortunately for me, my curfew's rather vague so I had to go home early. The party was fun and I hope we could get together again one of these days.

*****

BUMMED OUT! STARRING: ANGEL

I don't want to be a bum anymore! Geez! I hate the feeling I get whenever I ask my mom or dad for money to go out with my friends. I hate not going to school. I hate being at home all the time. I hate having too much free time on my hand. I hate being bored all the time. I hate being a bum.

Before this almost two months of bumhood, I have had episodic periods of fantasizing about being a bum. Now that I am literally one, I can now say that I can really sympathize with the feelings of my friends who are currently on the job-hunt or are laid-off or just are too rich to work. Even though I have time on my hand, it is really not mine. I accompany my mom most of the time to meetings, places and events that she had and has to attend to. I sometimes am the errand girl in our house. I want to go back to school but unfortunately, I can not. I don't exactly know my schedule.

Before being a bum, I am so anal with my schedule. I stick to it lick super mega-hold glue. But now that I am a BUM, my schedule is so messed up that I've even cancelled a couple of dinner dates and lunch dates with my friends. I just hope that the meetings regarding our resto would soon come to a conclusion so that we could finally leave and I could go back to being the schedule-stickler person I once was.

*****

I am Angel. . . unproductive and a BUM!

2004-04-23T07:37:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

LIFE AFTER TABLE 3

Table_03 is what my group of friends call themselves. We always joke about talking about our dreams, our plans in life and basically what our life will be after college and spending time with Table_03.

Only one people in our group knows my thoughts about life after Table_03. These thoughts came after a big fight with my tatay and over a roastbeef meal at Gilligan's in Makati. As I've mentioned before, I am torn between staying and leaving. One of my reasons would always be my friends. These guys and gals have been with me for almost a year now and no matter how corny and cliche-ish it would seem, they are my second family. My life with Table_03 are filled with laughter, hugs, horsing around, and food escapades.

My Table_03 family held me together during the times that I was so lost and scattered. They are the people who put a big smile on my face whenever sadness, loneliness or my extreme moodiness strikes. They are the few people who put up with my telenovela life and my weird fashion sense. They are the ones who always notices and makes fun of my being sablay-- always pointing out that I shouldn't be wearing my Bitch of the West socks with my semi-formal attire. They are the ones who would always fetch me in Jovie's ride with their windows down, Cassie in the passenger seat hollering: "Magkano ka iha?". They are the people who always believed in me during the times I lost everything because I took the risk with ex-Honey. They are one of the group of people that touched my life and shaped me into the Angel that I am today.

Life after Table_03 is hard to imagine. I'm not the type of person who easily forgets friends and acquaintances. Once some kind of bond and attachment is formed, I will keep it and strengthen it. During the short time I've spent with these people I've shared so much of myself and I've known so much about these people. There wouldn't be life after Table_03 because Table_03 and me would and will always have that certain bond called: FRIENDSHIP.

2004-04-21T06:59:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

FREE MIND

For the moment, I'm going to let my cluttered mind wander and leave memories scattered in this reality that I've been living in for the past few months. I have been living the life of a BUM these past few days and it being a novelty is finally wearing off. LETHARGY started eating my insides since the start of Holy Week and is still slowly but surely consuming my savory insides. IDLENESS leads to boring entries, nonsense talks, loooonnnggg naps, and aching butt and back from sitting too much infront of my pc or watching too much tv.

I scatter around suppressed and repressed issues in my cluttered mind. People say I'm such an impulsive, emotional, and obssessive person. I tend to obessess about things. I act according to my impulse and my emotions. I tend to wallow. I tend to listen to a song I like over and over again until I get tired of it. I tend to wear my heart out on my sleeve. I have had crushes lasting weeks and some years. I have tried loving and failed miserably. I fit imperfectness and tactlessness like a custom-made leather glove. A lot of people see through me. The thought that other people might have a hidden agenda scares and troubles me a whole lot. The thought that I am feeling lonely also scares me.

*****

I am Angel. . .writing non-sense!

2004-04-20T05:55:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

COMPACT LOTSA IMPACT!

A few more weeks to go and I'll be officially bidding goodbye to our motherland. All day I have been packing the things that I would be bringing with me to my new country. Its so hard picking out things from my vast trinkets and "junks" of memories. It's only now that I can surmise that I am really a sentimental person. I was able to dig up a palangka letter written to me by one of my gradeschool buddies. A lot of memories came back to me.

Its so hard to fit almost 21 years of existence into two big balikbayan boxes which should only have a total weight of 70 lbs. 21 years of living downgraded into two boxes. The feeling I have right now is the same feeling I had when I realized that my life--academic wise-- can be summed up by a two and a half paged resume.

Its hard for me to move to another country now that I have formed bonds that might last a lifetime. Its hard for me to leave this country of ours no matter how hot, dirty, and poverty- stricken it is. But I have no choice, my family's moving and when family’s involved no child in his/her right mind would be able to argue against their decision.

*****

OF EX's AND DREAMS

Ex-honey's been invading my dreams lately. These dreams are leaving me drained of energy that I could spend for some worthy thing or activity during the day. I guess in my extreme attempts to forget him, I've repressed and suppressed to much that my subconscious is the one that's doing the painful and dirty processing of all the unnamable things and emotions inside me. My being is so scattered and my brain's so cluttered. Stress and changes in life should be WISELY spaced during one's lifetime, unfortunately for me, they seem to come in one big bang! Geez! I hope and pray the dreams, rather, the nightmares would soon stop.

*****

HATE

. . . is the metallic taste in my mouth whenever taunts and careless words are thrown towards me. Its the acid that intoxicates me, leaving me weak-kneed but enraged. My chest swells like a big balloon. My veins can be seen in my dermis, throbbing. Hate is one of the things that go thru my body whenever a nerve is touched and the unspeakable is tackled. You touched that nerve and damned you!

I would love to wring your neck like when I wash my white towels. I would love to put two sharp and double edged knife in your teasing eyes. I would love to give you a ball crushing kick. I would love to bang your head to the wall. I would love to torture you only stopping when I know you are near the edge of death. I would probably stop to look at you while you slowly die. G**! I hate my ***!

*****

FOR ~~^_^~~ My FISHERMAN

Balisong
by Rivermaya

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

"Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted (more)." (Repeat 2x)

You're everything I wanted

*****

I am Angel. . . NOYPI!

2004-04-15T02:28:00.000-04:00

{ Plugs }

PHOTO SERVICES

Here's a sample of my extremely overflowing with talent good friend D or DANIEL for other people. Click on the image to be transported to D's wonderful portfolio.

HTTP://PBASE.COM/DCERCADO2/LANDSCAPES

Btw, you can reach this nice dude (to avail his services or for counseling ^_^ ) through these nos.: (+632)6458626 or (+632)0919-8320972 and his e-mail addy: dcercado@mailcity.com

*****

I am Angel. . . currently blog-hopping.

2004-04-14T07:38:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

Broken Wings

I used to flutter around unmindful of the harshness of the real world. I used to dance to the music of the wind with the rhythm within me. I used to smile and laugh and be as a tolerable child-like 20 year old lady. I used to wear my Bitch of the West socks to perk up my boring clothes. I used to be impulsive and innocent. I used to flutter around unmindful of the pain and suffering around me.

Now, that real and harsh world finally caught me. My wings are broken. I no longer flutter around unmindful. I no longer flutter around. I am just one butterfly with broken wings.

Yaj, told me that everything will pass. I should not lose hope. D said I should believe in grace. I am still finding my way around this new reality I am in. I am still finding hope. I am still finding grace.

My rose-colored glasses are misty and cracked. I have yet to visit the Healer. I have yet to visit the man who fixes rose-colored glasses. I have yet to encounter the ONE, the gentle, the wonderful, the beautiful ONE who will fix my wings and help me learn to fly again.

*****

I am Angel. . . I'm lost inside my fears.

2004-04-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

{ Poetry }

Sa May Pintuan

Kumalabog ang pinto
Napabalikwas ako sa aking pagkakahiga
Halos hindi ako makahinga
Ang pagkasabik sa'yo ay nag-uumapaw

Nilingon ko ang pinto
Ang mga mata ay umaasa
Ang bibig ay umuusal ng dasal
"Diyos ko, sana siya na
Ang makita sa may pintuan."

Ngunit,
Hangin at Dilim lamang pala.

*****

Nang Muli Mo Akong Nilisan

Ang lamig ay nanunuot sa aking kalamnan
Wala na akong mapagsidlan
Ng aking mga malulungkot na nakaraan
Umapaw na ang lungkot at lumbay
Umaapaw pa rin ang aking pag-ibig
Dapat ay nagawa na kitang limutin
Matagal ng panahon ang nagdaan
Ngunit ang alaala NATIN ay
Parang nagbabadyang umaga sa 'twing
Tumitibok ang aking puso
Waring ninanamnam ang kirot
Ng malalim na sugat na iyong
Inilagak sa aking puso
Nang muli mo akong nilisan.

*****

I am Angel. . . stressed out to the max!

2004-04-06T03:10:00.000-04:00

{ Ramblings }

Hello. . .

I am writing again. It has been a month since my last entry. To make up for lost time, I am posting a story I wrote last night. Its been a long while, years to be exact, since I last wrote a short story. Here is another helping of Angelism! ^_^ Enjoy!

Bus Ride

" I remember that fateful day when I left Never land and decided to grow up." Cindy said. " I was on the bus on my way home. . . heart broken and tears uninhibitedly falling down my chubby red cheeks. I remember it clearly as if it happened yesterday."

+++++

My mind was a buzz. The "what-ifs" are coming like some broken damn. The questions are berating inside my head nonstop. My mind was a bee on an excessive dose of some illegal stimulant drug. The tears would not stop from flowing. I never wanted the day to end. I did not want to go back but I had to. I had to go back and stop playing house. I had to go back to being a logical, rational young grown up lady. I had to experience getting my heartbroken and I had to force myself to learn to accept how things are. It was hard I tell you. I had to forego the nice innocence that I loved. I had to forget the feeling of being in the nine. I had to stop being in love with the concept of love. I had to force myself to stop using my heart and for once use my head.

People say I am such an impulsive, emotionally driven person. Some say I am so reactive that it is both my strength and my weakness. Well, I still am but I have decided to put my foot down. I keep myself on my own toes, as I would like to tell them. Cindy of the Never land is a thing of the past.

I remember sadly looking out my little bus window. My heart seems to be so heavy to the point that I feel like it was going to burst. My eyes were trying not to spill out those pearl-like tears. The corners of my mouth were trying to go to there smiling position. "This is it!" I screamed in my mind. I waved goodbye to that boy I have given all my love to. I touched the greasy bus window and he, on the other side, touched it also. For that single moment I thought there was still a chance. I fought the hot tears I felt welling up inside me. I looked away for a moment, just that brief moment, and when I looked again-- he was gone. Just like that. Just like the day I met him. . . the day he professed his love. . .the day I knew I loved him. Just like that.

He was like the cold breeze that swiftly touches your cheeks on a hot day. He was like my favorite candy which melts in your mouth and disappears after awhile. He was all the candy-kisses and the warm bear hugs that leave you wanting more. He was the youthful curiosity that fleets by once there is something new to explore. He was the puppy love multiplied a lifetime.

+++++

" I remember it clearly. It seems like it only happened a while ago. I remember her. I remember her tears. I remember her sadness." Hero said. " I drove her to the bus station. I felt her sadness reverberating. It was like a cloud enveloping me. I had to show her I could get through this lest I make matters worse."

+++++

I know she is inches from breaking down but I cannot comfort her lest I forget why I am doing all these. I feel her heart slowly breaking into million pieces. Her sad eyes accusing me, saying things she would not. Her stance slowly piercing through this wall I built around me.

I had no choice. I had to do it. I love her too much but I am still not ready. My life is one tortured telenovela. I do not want her to see me weak and vulnerable. I do not want her to be dragged into my miserable life.

I do not know what triggered these thoughts of leaving her in spite of loving her so much. I used to believe that we will get through all these obstacles but now, I just do not know. I am so confused.

People say I never take things seriously. Maybe before but after I met her, she meant the world to me. She was the one thing I took seriously. She was the one person I wanted to protect from the evils of the world. She was my angel. She was hope to me. She is love to me.

I remember we were sitting side-by-side, waiting for the bus. I wanted so much to hug her to let her know that I still love her to tell her all the things going inside my head but I cannot. I do not want to burden her anymore. I do not want her to be miserable by staying with me. I want her to be happy.

I remember trying to touch her arm lightly. She shrugged me off. I remember hoping and praying that I did the right thing. I remember she was fighting off her tears. I remember her trying to tell me that she will be all right. . .that she understands. . . that she will always be there for me. I went away for a while because tears suddenly started to flow. I did not want her to see me like this. I do not want her knowing my heart is also slowly breaking. I do not want her to know that a big part of me is regretting doing this.

I went back and saw her looking at the distance. She's in deep thought again. I saw the bus and told her that I'm going to see her until the last minute that the bus leaves. I walked with her. This was the last day she was going to walk beside me. This was the last day she was going to be close to me like this. I can feel her strength slowly ebbing and sadness taking the bigger part of her. I know I hurt her so much. It pains me but I have no choice.

Four years of sharing our lives. Four years. I know her like the back of my hand just like she knows me. I know her inside out. She was the first woman I truly loved. She was the first woman I stayed with long enough. She was the only one who put up with me. She was my baby.

I remember she chose a seat beside the window. I remember telling her we would still be friends. I remember and would never forget our last kiss. I remember touching the dusty bus window, saying my final goodbye to her but her eyes started to well up with tears. I could not bare looking at her so sad. . .so hurt. I left without her seeing me. I left because I thought I had to.

+++++

" I am a changed woman now. I am stronger and wiser. I would give love a try but not in the so distant future. I have to mend my still somewhat broken heart." Cindy said.

" It's been awhile now. I hope she has moved on. I hope she's stronger now. My life is still a mess. I have yet to find myself." Hero said.

*****

I am Angel. . . still alive and kicking!

2004-02-27T02:39:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Woe ME!

I've been rattling my brains out for some answers to why certain things had to happen and when I think I found some answers to these questions of mine, some higher beings out there would just give me some other things to blow my top to and make me lose my footing and answers. I've been slinking in and out of the blues lately and I'm still not strong enough for another round of issues but I am again entombed to a lot of them these days. I fear that rationality, logic and saneness might soon leave me and allow me to be the scatterbrain that I was once was.

*****

Reflection #1

It just hit me again: there is no forever and always. There is just now and the past. The hardest thing is to forget your past. I ask you this: how do you deal with the now if your past keeps on surfacing and tormenting you like it is your now? How do you stop feigning normalcy when all your insides are just a mere throbbing open-wound? How can you trust, invest emotions and some sense of security when one knows that at one point in one's life someone, somebody or something would just leave you with broken promises, broken friendship or the feeling of brokenness?

*****

I am Angel. . . under a lot of stress lately.

2004-02-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

One Month After

Yep! Yesterday I regretfully and "sadly" marked the first month of my being single. What a way to start this entry huh? I've been so sad these past days and I haven't touched my journal at home since. . . a month back. A month has already passed me by but I'm still in the process of getting the right formula to move on and forget.

A month after. . . Mwah19 dropped me the famous line of: "What did you see in Ex-Honey?" I tried to rationalize and reason out to her but she's a better debater than me in this certain touchy issue. I know everyone's right, there are a whole lot more better men out there for me but unfortunately I'm still blinded by my being heartbroken that I could not even feel there presence.

*****

With all the pretty roses. . .

and all the Haranas and chocolates comes the momentous event/ Hallmark hyped Valentine's day. How did I spend the day in which I thought that the Gods conspired against me? Well, I hanged-out at Cheesyboy's place in order to surprise my Japanese Acrobat Sister. Attended Japanese Acrobat Sister's surprise party. Went to Fort after to attend the MTV awards bash. Went home after that and slept the rest of the V-day off.

I've been cruel to lovey-dovey couples that day. I snarled and sneered and snickered at those foreign and non-foreign couples that I see making out. I tried to be invisible as much as possible. I tried to laugh. I tried everything but. . . I still felt the coldness and the pent-up tears of being alone on V-day. And I'm still carrying that feeling up to this day.

*****

Shout-out:

Thanks PREM from waking me up from my stupor of sadness and non-blogging.

*****

I am Angel. . . sadness is seeping through my being.

2004-02-07T23:50:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Hello Blogging World!

Its been a long while since I last posted anything in this blog. My blog's going to turn a year older and it seems like I still stink when it comes to writing. But come to think of it, at least I've got something to keep me busy other than school or else I would probably be in the basement of Makati Med right now acting out all the issues and other things in my cluttered mind.

I know you're all wondering what kept me from the blogging world these past weeks. I know you're all wondering how I am doing with regards to the phase I'm going through. I know you're all wondering what the hell happened to me. Well, I busied myself these past weeks with school work. Reacquainted my heartbroken self with the life I had before all the drama happened. Talked to people I haven't talked to for quite sometime. Bought an SLR cam and am trying to learn how to take good photos. Befriended winston and west again. And sometimes, I let the sadness flood my being for a brief while and then after that I try to pick up the broken pieces of my dreams and my life. These were the things that kept me from the blogging world, but I am back at it again. Back to my first love: writing.

*****

Major Embarrassing Moment

Have you ever heard of the phrase: "thinking aloud"? This thinking aloud thing happened to me, again, last Friday. Me, mwah19, zaizai, and z were on our way out of our green and white school to have lunch at this new place which serves great chicken chops. The thinking aloud thing happened while we were in the intersection of the third and second floors of Miguel building when I saw this cute guy. I was thinking that he was gwapo but I didn't know that I blurted it out, rather loudly, that he was gwapo and the guy was in hearing in distance! Talk about major embarrassing moment. Zaizai tried to save my ass but to no avail. The damage has been done. Mwah19, Z, and Zaizai were laughing there ass off by that big boo-boo that I made. I was also so schocked by what happened. Hopefully, that gwapo guy would forget what happened last Friday.

*****

My Break-away Butterfly

I drew this butterfly two February's ago. This is how I felt when me and my ex-Honey first broke up. I'm posting this to remind me that this is what I am now and that I do not need anyone in my life to complete me. As it is, I am complete. Yes, I am sad but I am complete.

*****

I am Angel. . . still wading in her own sea of sadness.

2004-01-28T22:12:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Event Filled January

A few more days to go and everybody this side of the world will be bidding January 2004 goodbye. This month is like one big crazy emotional rollercoaster ride for this butterfly brat. A lot of things happened and I'm still in that state wherein I'm still seeking the reasons and intentions why these things had to happen. I can not lash out to anyone. I got myself into this mess and I oughta get myself out of it. I just hope that the next coming months will be a little bit kinder to me.

*****

New Number = New Life?

09164372***

My parents put an ultimatum on me: buy a new sim card or they'll be keeping my phone. This ultimatum was made with regards to my telling them that ex-Honey and I used to talk. I guess circumstances are really telling me I should leave my past behind and move on with life. Would changing my number equate to my life being the same semi-perfect one before ex-Honey came back? Would changing my number mean forgetting a big chunk of my past? Would changing my number do me any good?

How I wish that in an eyeblink I could stop the pain, the confusion and the conflict. How I wish I could stop myself from analyzing things. How I wish I could hush and shush that little voice inside me. How I wish I could be happy like before. How I wish I never let ex-Honey in my life again. How I wish I could hate ex-Honey's guts. How I wish I could just change everything in my life. How I wish I could just take out my heart and the memories I have inside of me. How I wish I never fell in love and started to love ex-Honey. Maybe my life wouldn't be too complicated, not to mention, I wouldn't have shed that much tears.

*****

Dido - White Flag Lyrics
Album: Life For Rent

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

*****

I am Angel. . . still searching for answers.

2004-01-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Goodbye Never Never Land

I've been spaced out these couple of days. Things between me and Honey finally went to a baffling halt which is still making me reel from the pain. I don't know what and how I've been feeling these past days. I've been living the pretend life again. I love him so much but he says he is not strong enough for me. If only I could give him my strength, my courage, my bravery. If only I could do something to ease this whatnot that I am feeling.

There are still a lot of questions in my mind but I have to hush and shush them. There is no point in asking, analyzing, reflecting and contemplating. He said: "This is not the end to our love story. It ain't over 'til its over." But he already put a dot to this thing that we had. He said the words that prompted the end of our love story. He was the one who told me that: "I really do feel right now that our relationship is going nowhere. I think its really bad to go on with this relationship. Sorry."

I wish that things didn't have to end this way. I prayed so hard that the last few hours I spent with him wouldn't end. I prayed so hard so that I could keep him but it seems like nobody listens anymore. I hoped and prayed so hard that things would somehow work but he gave up, again, on me.

"It's not you. It's me." He said that what he did last Friday was breaking his heart. He said that he still loves me. He said that he's just too messed up. He said that I deserve to be happy. "It's not you. It's me." that's what he told me.

He told me I gave him everything. He need not ask. He told me I gave him excessive and extravagant love. He told me that I gave him the space and freedom that I never gave him the first time we tried. He told me that there's nothing wrong with me, its just that he's really messed up. He told me that he has no complains, its just that he's really messed up.

He asked me if he ruined my life and I told him that at that moment I felt he did. I don't really know. He made me think about the decisions I did the past few years of my life. He is and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't think I could and would ever love this great again. I prided myself as somebody brave and strong but I never took the step to get out of this love for Honey. I guess, for the longest time, this is the most mature thing that we both did. Honey's really not the kind of person he thinks he is. He's not that weak as he says. He was strong enough to make a decision that he thinks is right. I just really pray that it's really the right thing to do.

"Maybe this is just a temporary set-up. I'm not closing any doors on US. But I'm not giving you hope." Honey said.

Yes, maybe. I'm not also closing any doors on him. I'm not giving up on him. Maybe when his head is clearer and when things are not as difficult as they are right now, maybe we could try again. Maybe when my family, specially my mom, understands me more, maybe we could try again. Maybe when we are both strong enough, we could try it again.

The future of Honey and Baby is bleak, dreary almost non-existent. We promised to remain friends. But promises by Honey are like debts written in water. Promises made by Honey are made to be broken. I pray and hope that even for just this one time he will keep his promise. I don't want him to be out of my life again. He also doesn't want that. I really pray that somehow in some weird way we could be friends.

Hopeless as our case seem, I pray and wish that somehow someday if we're really meant to be, our paths will cross again and maybe that'll be the right time for the both of us.

As Z told me: "Pare, you should grow up. Leave your cloud nine. Leave never never land. Face your reality." Even if I don't know what to do right now, I'm heeding Z's advice. I am choosing growing up over the heartache. I left my cloud nine last Friday. I am in the process of leaving never never land. And right now, I am facing my reality. The reality that I will be alone again.

*****

I am Angel. . . saying goodbye to Never Never Land.

2004-01-15T07:41:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Questions

There are a lot of questions in my mind and I feel that my heart is slowly being broken into several tiny million pieces. These past few days I've been tiring myself venting out my frustrations to some close beloved people. I am really a weakling. Whenever there are problems with regards to love relationships, my old weak self just surfaces and things just revolve around that problem. It seems that everything's blown out of proportions and so irreparable that I just want to throw the towel in and let go. I've never been a quitter and people tell me am as stubborn as a bull but this time I really feel like quitting. I've forgotten myself not just once, twice but many times for this relationship that I have with Honey. I've thrown the tiny teaspoon of self-dignity for a blind belief that maybe, just maybe this time around everything's going to work out. But, look at me right now, I am again in one of my lowest and bluest point in my life again. I am basically in the dumps even though there is no dumping or breaking up that's happening.

Funny and strange how things are with me and Honey. I am the girl but he's the one who's having second thoughts and mind-boggling confusions. After a year and two months of thinking and being solo, Honey suddenly felt like thinking again. Maybe this time around I should be the one who should do the thinking and going solo. Maybe this time around I should depend more on myself rather than him. Maybe this time its really how its supposed to be.

I've prayed for this second chance. I've prayed hard so hard that whenever I pray tears just flow from my eyes. Now, tears are flowing from my eyes but not because of praying so hard. These tears have been my company these past days. These tears and the constant pinching in my heart have been ME.

These past days, I've kicked myself over more than a hundred of times. These past days, I've somehow regretted always praying for this second chance. These past days, I'm thinking of getting out even though my heart is breaking and my strength, courage and wisdom are all drying up. These past days were the days I started to hate myself.

I've been putting off letting go and breaking up with Honey. I've been putting off telling my family about him. I've been putting off meetings with D just for him. I've been out of my own life because of him. I've forgotten myself so I can devote myself to him. But I guess all the things I've done are still not enough. I guess, I'll never be good enough for him.

I thought we've worked things out. We were so happy the last time we were together. I am so baffled why all of a sudden things went into a turnabout? It seems like we are both drifting apart. I am still blindly loving him; while, he is still thinking, reflecting and determining what he wants to do with us. He told me before that he's not sure if he's really worthy for me. He told me before that he doesn't want to lose me. He told me before that everything's really up to me. But right now, I am wondering why is it that I am the one left here awaiting whatever decision that he'll hand out to me?

I've written before that Honey is my man. He is home to me. He is my weakness and at the same time strength. He says he is fragile these days because of his family problem. I've treated him like a china vase even though people think he is just some cheap replacable clay pot. I've treated him the best I know how but it still seems like not enough. Maybe, I'll never really be enough.

I don't know how to say goodbye or I am lettin you go whenever Honey's concerned. No to him is not absolute. No to him is almost always a maybe and most of the time a yes. How can you say no to someone whom you've included in all of your future plans? How can you say to no someone you've shared everything you are and you have? How can you say goodbye to someone you love more than yourself? How can you say goodbye to someone whom you can never say no to? How can you say goodbye to someone who is home to you? How can you say goodbye to someone that shaped and molded you to be a better person? How can you say goodbye to someone who is your strength and your weakness? How do you say goodbye?

*****

Fortune Tellers: II

I've consulted LotusTarot again. And this is what she had to say to me. . .

how you feel about yourself now
You are very aware of the feminine power within, intuitive and conscious at a spiritual level, looking for guidance and answers, a secret to be revealed. You desire a wise guide to help address your questions, and your intuition is just that. If you are male the appearance of The High Priestess can represent a woman who you care for very much and who truly inspires you.

what you most want at this moment
The cards suggest Gela, that what you most want at this time you can’t have, like the forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more tempting. Or you could go for it but you know that it would be a bad choice and for all the wrong reasons. Yes, you want passion and gratification - just be careful where you go looking for it.

your fears
You are fearful of lacking the will power and strength to deal with someone or something that concerns you. Feeling negative and listening to all your fears will only cause failure and lost opportunities. Be as brave as a lion but work compassionately and you’ll be fine.

what is going for you
Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded. It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness. You may choose to buy that dream house or a wonderfully fulfilling relationship is on offer, enjoy!

what is going against you
There are conflicts around you, frustrations and possibly a break up in a relationship. Be careful not to over-react and be too protective or dictatorial about your needs, and whatever you do, do not resort to emotional blackmail, it won't do you any favours. You may be experiencing infertility problems or an unplanned pregnancy, if so just know that there are people around you who love and care for you and will provide support.

outcome
Whilst you are confused and fearful and allowing your anxieties to hold you back, trust that all will turn out well in the end. Things may seem tough or confusing but stick with it, its right for you. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair and helps guide us to open our minds to new and unexpected possibilities.

++ now should i be happy with this answer?

*****

I am Angel. . . broken-hearted.

2004-01-11T04:21:00.000-05:00

{ Rants }

M.I.A Honey

Tsk! I'm fuming mad and about to go crazy with worrying. My Honey's officially missing. His mom called me up around 4 p.m. and lo and behold! She brought me the great news that my Honey's did not go home yesterday night or this day. I'm really getting tired of this mouse and cat-like relationship that we're somewhat carrying. I'm starting to get tired with this game that I don't know if I'm really playing. I'm really reconsidering a lot of things right now. Honey might just be an ex-Honey again.

*****

Dedicated To Honey:

Shut up
Black Eyed Peas

Shut up
Just shut up
Shut up [3x]
Shut it up, just shut up
Shut up
Just shut up
Shut up [3x]
Shut it up, just shut up

[Chorus]
We try to take it slow
But we're still losin control
And we try to make it work
But it still isn't the worst
And I'm craaazzzy
For tryin to be your laaadddy
I think I'm goin crazy

Girl, me and you were just fine (you know)
We wine and dine
Did them things that couples do when in love (you know)
Walks on the beach and stuff (you know)
Things that lovers say and do
I love you boo, I love you too
I miss you a lot, I miss you even more
That's why I flew you out
When we was on tour
But then something got out of hand
You start yellin when I'm with my friends
Even though I had legitimate reasons (bull shit)
You know I have to make them evidence (bull shit)
How could you trust our private lives girl
That's why you don't believe my lies
And quit this lecture

[Chorus]

Why does he know she gotta move so fast
Love is progress if you could make it last
Why is it that you just lose control
Every time you agree on takin it slow
So why does it got to be so damn tough
Cuz fools in lust could never get enough of love
Showin him the love that you be givin
Changing up your livin
For a lovin transistion
Girl lip so much she tryin to get you to listen
Few mad at each other has become our tradition
You yell, I yell, everybody yells
Got neighbors across the street sayin
“Who the hell?!?”
Who the hell?
What the hell's going down?
Too much of the bickering
Kill it with the sound and

[Chorus]

Girl our love is dyin
Why can't you stop tryin
I never been a quitah
But I do deserve betta
Believe me I will do bad
Let's forget the past
And let's start this new plan
Why? Cuz it's the same old routine
And then next week I hear them scream
Girl I know you're tired of the things they say
You're damn right
Cuz I heard them lame dame excuses just yesterday
That was a different thing
No it ain't
That was a different thing
No it ain't
That was a different thing
It was the same damn thing
Same ass excuses
Boy you're usless
Whhoooaaaa

[Chorus]

Stop the talking baby
Or I start walking baby
Is that all there is [repeat]

*****

I am Angel. . . fuming MAD!

2004-01-09T09:20:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

A New Term

A couple of days ago, I got acquainted with the new school term. It seems like I've been away too long from my green and white school. The pillars of my school seemed whiter and cleaner. The aircons are working in all the classroom I went to. There are still the usual stereotypical professors. I just hope I get through this term in one piece.

*****
Xcerpts

. . . from the past three days of my life. . .

This excerpt transpired last Thursday after my HEALPSY class. . .

VanNESS: How is you?
Me: How is me?!? Read my blog!
VanNESS: Nice answer pare!

While having lunch at Tokyo Tokyo HP

Z: Umm. . Uhhmmm. . Uhum. . . [in reference to some food in Tokyo Tokyo]
ME: Uh. . .Uh. . .Uhhh. . .Uhuh!
Z: Pare! Stop it! Iba naiisip ko eh!

-- Si Z talaga in denial. Unconsciously there's some repressed maniac part in her. ^_^

Still at Tokyo Tokyo. . .

While Japanese Acrobat Sister, Zaizai, Z and me plus the other table_3 people were trying out Samurai Balls. . .

Japanese Acrobat Sister: Sarap ng Samurai Balls 'no?
Z (talking to J.A.S): Laughing! Pare! I didn't expect that from you! Di bagay sayo! Mukhang dapat si Angel ang nagsabi niyan!
Z (talking to Me): Sabihin mo nga uli
Me: Sarap ng SAMURAI BALLS no? ^_^
Z: Yan! Mas bagay kung ikaw nagsabi! ^_^

While walking from Agno to our ORGLAB at J509. . .

Japanese Acrobat Sister (pushing me): Si Dondie oh!
Me: I know! (Shouting) I crash you! (While I passed by Dondie) ^_^
Japanese Acrobat Sister: Sira ka talaga!
Me: Magagawa ko! I crash him talaga!
J.A.S: Pano si Honey?
Me: Ok lang yun. Crash lang naman. Buti nga di niya check friendster ko kasi if makita niya kung sino gusto ko ma-meet giyera yun!

While at Honey's car. . .

Honey: Why you all quiet?
Me: Masakit tummy ko!
Honey: Naku! Problematic yan!

Me: Sarap ba ng macaroons?
Honey: Uhmmm. . .mmmm. . .ok lang.
Me: Eh yung cookies?
Honey: Yung isa parang chips ahoy. Yung isa interesting ang lasa.

*****

I am Angel. . .happy and in love as of the moment.

2004-01-05T02:24:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Hallu Fortune Teller!

During the dark days of mending my very broken heart, I've subscribed to different "new age" websites. One of these websites is LotusTarot. It offers a free 6 card tarot reading to people. Well, I tried it again after sometime. As usual, I have a question that concerns my relationship with Honey and this is what LotusTarot churned:

how you feel about yourself now
You feel discontent or uneasy and feel a need for a change in your life, a new direction, perhaps even an adventure. You might not know where you want to go, just that you don't want to stay where you are. It's a time for optimism and major decisions - unexpected influences could have a powerful effect on your decision making. Ask yourself, is what you desire really the right thing for you?

what you most want at this moment
The cards suggest Gela, that what you most want at this time is some clarity and less of these confused emotions that leave you fearful and vulnerable. You want to know the outcome, because you are so unsure about how you feel. Use your intuition to guide you away from any deception and ride this out - it will turn out alright in the end. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair.

your fears
You are fearful of the future and rather lacking in self-belief - you are afraid your hopes will be dashed. Well don't be, this is your wish card - a time of joy and fulfilment. Good health, possibly after a time of illness, and good fortune that will give you a new zest of life. If considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

what is going for you
The harvest is here; you are entering an abundant time of happiness and joy. Creative energy is high so if you are considering starting a family, a new job or artistic endeavour this is a favourable time. Relax and enjoy.

what is going against you
Someone, most likely male, isn't quite what they seem. Trickery and deception cleverly disguised as charm and friendliness, so be sure that this person really does have your best interests at heart. If someone who you feel wary of is presenting you with a business opportunity, be cautious and trust your instincts.

outcome
Love is coming into your life even if you really can't see where from at this time. If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life. If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make - go with your heart, take the risk, greater happiness is ahead of you.

These "interpretations" specially the one concerning a male guy somewhat freaked me out. I'm really not so into these new age things but these kind of predictions kinda gets to you, right?

*****

I am Angel. . .wondering who that male person is.

2004-01-02T07:27:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Welcome Year 2004!

Yep! It's a brand new year. Brand new start for some people. Time to throw those bad habits away and time to learn new things again. Here's another year for us people to be better earthlings. ^_^
The Chinese Feng Shui (pronounced as Fung-Suy for some Pinoys and Feng-Swi for the other 10 % of the Pinoy population) says that this year is the year of the MONKEY! I'm really not so much into these Chinese horoscope or feng-shui [ I bet Jo's better at this than me] but I'm praying and hoping that this MONKEY year will be a great one for all of us! ^_^

*****

L. S. S.

Last Song Syndrome. . . have you ever experienced those days that this one song just keeps on playing in your mind like a windows media player on major loop? Well, I've been experiencing this LSS for quite sometime now. I've been somewhat singing, humming and listening to Addicted by Enrique Iglesias for days now. I really don't know why and how I got this LSS. Maybe I've been too cooped up here at home too much. Maybe I've been too much of a couch potato these past couple of days. Maybe I've been too acquainted with the tube. Maybe I've been laying in my bed for too long now. Whew! I really don't want to analyze this phenomena right now. Here's the lyrics of that song Addicted by the yummy Enrique Iglesias:

Addicted
Enrique Iglesias

Have I told you how good it feels to be me,
when I'm in you?
I can only stay clean
when you are around.
Don't let me fall.
If I close my eyes forever,
would it ease the pain?
Could I breathe again?

[Chorus:]
Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug
that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is
you're the only reason I'm trying.

I am wasted away,
I made a million mistakes.
Am I too late?
There is a storm in my head;
it rains on my bed
when you are not here.
I'm not afraid of dying,
but I am afraid of losing you.

[Chorus:]
Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug
that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is
you're the only reason I'm trying.

When you're lying next to me
love is going through to me.
Oh it's beautiful.
Everything is clear to me
'till I hit reality
and I lose it all...
I lose it all...
I lose it all.
I lose it all...
Nah nah nah
nah nah nah....
Nah nah nah nah nah nah.....
nah nah nah nah nah nah....

You're the only reason,
Yeah, you're the only reason I'm trying,
Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying,
Don't want to lose it all,
Don't want to lose it all,
I'm trying, I'm trying..
I'm trying ...
Yeah, you know I'm addicted,
You know I'm addicted,
Yeah, you know I'm addicted....

I've downloaded the song and got the lyrics. Been exchanging several text messages to Honey and i've mentioned that he should add this to my growing list of songs for him. ^_^ .: Angel :. Eeeewww!! mushyness again? ^_^

*****

Plug Me Baby!

Zaizai left a message in my taggie that i should plug her and our group's blog. So my dear voyeurs, if you guys and gals have time, please take a peek at zaizai and table_03's sites. ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . . a big softie.

2003-12-23T22:56:00.000-05:00

{ Ramblings }

Here are some of the pictures from the X'mas party I was raving about a couple of entries back. Got these pictures from the Table_03 site and Zaizai. Hope you enjoy some of my memories.

The Fabulous Cake

Courtesy of Cassie a.k.a Mwah19

Exchange of Gifts

BebeV got a liquid soap
Mwah19 got a butterfly wind chime

Lester got a pillow
Mike got some washboards!

RB got a pen; Jovie got fake shit
Z got a pipe/musical instrument

Lyra got a liquid soap
I got a Tazmanian Devil inspired Mug! ^_^

++ Uber Special Thanks to Zaizai for the pictures! ^_^

*****

I am Angel. . .giddy over Christmas! ^_^